I have a little notebook. There is a silhouette of a stag on it. And in it, I dutifully follow the exercise given in the last video about Childhood Emotional Neglect.
It's helping.
I feel vulnerable.
It feels good to put a word on that feeling, to be able to communicate it. The world of feelings is a difficult one for me to navigate.
It makes me sad to experience a world where one unhappy student can speak out in a safe place, and attack me--they would never say it was an attack of course, it would be a defense, right, nobody ever attacks. But we live in a world where there is ego, there is Spirit, and there are so many combinations of the two...from the information war, to the ASSC, to having to expose myself to risk at my work that can kill me just so I can earn a living...not to mention the things that happened to me growing up that made me who I am...
I'm coming to terms and to accept I have a disability. It is a painful one. It doesn't show. I am a survivor of uncomplicated PTSD, and complicated PTSD (from the babysitter who was drunk, Carrie, the Hungarian woman. I even spoke fluent Hungarian at age two--I've never learned Italian fluently, but I was so desperate as a baby I learned and I learned quick how to communicate). At to that my Asperger's tendencies...and knowing what I know with my medical training it totally sucks.
It hurts and makes me feel like I am less of a person.
I want only to be close and feel that warmth and nurturing with people I care about.
My attachment ability is all ruined. Once I have someone in my life, by the grace of the Divine--I'm okay--I'm able to function. I'm not able to ask for my needs and set boundaries as well as I should though. It's so lonely it breaks my heart because I want a hug, I hunger for it, just to be able to be next to someone and feel the warmth and reassurance and love.
It's reasonable for other people, who have been through a lot, to seek compassion and caring. I've hugged lots of people who needed hugs, I've known they needed it. Since it is reasonable for them to ask in this situation, I am going to ask too. Realistically, there's Anthony who I always hug. It's not exactly the same. But I'm going to find the next best thing with Ross' guidance. I'm going to pause on my writing, to nurture myself for a bit, and to focus on learning to identify and express my feelings a little better.
I adore writing.
I'm just going to take a little effort to work on things I enjoy and make me feel whole, and to take time to connect with people who help me feel like I matter. I called one of my sisters last night, and shared that I was making strawberry rhubarb sauce. This was the first time I was making it. And instantly she understood why--they used to serve it in the elementary school cafeteria. She was happy and shared my joy and reminiscence.
A promise was kept to me too.
I don't know how to say it, but I've like, never had anyone keep a promise, ever.
But my last Covid-19 intubation call was on Monday, and the promise was that I wouldn't be alone and I would be kept safe for all of these calls. It was a promise from Spirit.
I was safe. This call goes away on May 1, no more twelve hours in a tiny call room in the basement, with no windows, waiting for the emergency.
I'm blown away, and keep thinking, that promise was kept! It wasn't broken! It feels good for a promise to be kept. It really does.
It's little things like that, someone keeping their word, that keep me going when I feel open, exposed, vulnerable, and at risk.
I also understand that these things, these emotions, happen for a reason, they are gifts from Spirit. So for me working through the steps, the energies are flowing through me and there is transformation. I won't call it rebirth but it's like major tornado emotional Spring Cleaning. Everything holding me back is being cleared out. There are a lot of feelings of inadequacy that I need to let go of before I make my Ascension.
I couldn't connect with Spirit the way I do if I was emotionally one of the 'gang'--and if I was invested so much in the Illusion. Only an outcast/misfit could see the Illusion for what it is, on the outside looking in. It wasn't until I was attuned to Karuna Reiki that I felt like the ugly duckling that found the swans, and energetically, I felt like, 'ahhhh where has this been all my life'.
So I take it all in stride. It's part of the plan. It's not fun, it's like walking uphill, but I signed up for it and will keep walking until it's time to stop.
I have three videos to share, and that's about it for a while.
I feel hopeful and confident that these skills I am working on will help me to improve my ability to communicate and be fully present everywhere I am henceforth. If you see me trying to talk about my feelings, with you one on one, please give me the time and space I need to speak up and go through the steps I use in my notebook with you. Stating my feelings, and asking for support, is absolutely terrifying for me to do. With practice it will become easier.
Thank you.
These are my favorite daisies of all. Technically they are called 'fleabane'. They are very tiny, very delicate, and grow close to the lawn. My friends and I used to make necklaces and bracelets out of them. And little crowns too.
It's not just me. All of the rescued children are going to have the last kind, the complicated one, too. They are going to need therapy for a long time, from specialists like Dr. Peter Levine (he has wonderful resources on tapping to heal trauma). This is a look ahead for Ascension for many who will be freed from the trafficking and torture and ASSC.
This soul, Micheal, has Trisomy 21, or Down's Syndrome (go to 9:30 to see him). These souls are actually very advanced in areas that victims of trauma suffer damage and developmental delay--social skills and emotional connection. Their hearts are so loving, they love everyone unconditionally, and themselves too. Michael resounds with dignity! I have been hearing his speech in my head and my heart ever since I heard it yesterday. It's healing. We are not broken. And we have something to offer, exactly the way we are.
Ross fully supports me and actually suggested I take some time off from my duties. He will be sending healing and love if there are pauses in our usual schedule. He wanted me to take five days off, yesterday was one, and I'll keep going as he recommends.
He says he hopes you enjoy our videos!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The hearts who are healing
