The events of the last few weeks with the Covid-19 have been painful for everyone. For those of us who work in essential services, we have faced anger, shock, betrayal and resentment over the lack of protective personal equipment and our not being able to remain home in safety as nation after nation advises the public to stay safely confined in their own homes.
It's been upsetting.
And recent things I've been sharing about here have been upsetting. They are hard to write, hard to read, it's the kind of stuff that nobody wants to listen to because we all want to have the uplifting, positive advice where we are told that everything is going to be okay. George Carlin in his last HBO special, 'It's Bad For Ya'--told the truth about how being told by the government that 'everything is going to be okay' is the biggest lie of all!
It isn't.
In the next weeks, months, years, as the painful truths emerge, I'd like you to know that as a survivor--of molest (gang rape by neighborhood boys at age four), of alcoholism (I'm an adult child of alcoholic), of emotional abuse (my mom was often in rage), emotional neglect and isolation (due to my very high intelligence I never really 'fit in', or 'connected' with my peers--I preferred older kids, about two years older than me)--life is messy.
I'm not even a SRA survivor or a Targeted Individual in this incarnation! I have the memories of it, being locked up in an underground room, not knowing how to speak, and thinking I was a cat. I was a sex worker--way, way worse than abuse--and that's how I died.
I'm here to tell you good news.
I really am.
And I'm going to hope it bounces around and around in your Consciousness over the next few painful weeks...because Love is all That Is.
Right now we are going to talk about wounded healers, what it is like to be a survivor, and how unfortunately, the scars which we bear do not show except to our closest loved ones...who may not understand...and they suffer in bewilderment and in pain because of our actions.
Abused children are overwhelmed with situations that would be challenging and PTSD-inducing for full-grown adults to experience. Feelings of pain, isolation, powerlessness, sexual sensations, the anger and lust of people who are older and in positions of trust, hunger, fear, lack of knowing who to trust, humiliation of telling and not being believed...this is the short list...there are so many facets to this.
It is said that if there is one stable parent or loving adult the child will grow up a survivor, and be okay.
My uncle, grandparents, and dad, as well as my teachers, were good role models for me. As time went on, and I experienced the healing of some of my missed emotional areas through AlAnon (Friends and loved ones of Alcoholics)--I was able to function. I realized I was, as another member said, 'God's kid'. I gratefully learned to stop the self-loathing and negative self-talk I had absorbed growing up in my situation.
I'll be honest. Surviving sexual abuse is right up there with anorexia and bulimia, because like food, intimacy is important for our health and fulfillment.
I'll be honest further still.
Some children get mixed signals because of the pleasure they experience during the abuse, especially if it is groomed into them, or they have to act that way to survive (Kerth Barker had to do this, and felt hate for himself the whole time he was doing the sexual servicing of men.)
What is needed is someone to trust, someone strong, someone honestly sent from Heaven as a healer for the victim, and seriously sometimes a whole team is needed to help as well as many incarnations too.
When you grow up reading body language to keep yourself able to escape violence, explosive emotional and physical abuse, you startle easily.
In a way, experiencing this kind of horror where you think you can't escape and you're going to die, makes your soul reach up and out of the body, and discover/open up the psychic gifts that have been hidden. Perhaps it's the one gift from 'the gift that keeps on giving' that is actually a good thing for the soul.
Who knows why children suffer? Why is it written into the Pre Birth Contract? Is it to jump at the opportunity to break the cycle of abuse for the ancestors? It is to help awaken those around them, to open their hearts? Is it simply to balance out the debt of karma, and to really experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of abuse so perhaps in future lifetimes these individuals will not repeat these low, painful, unhealthy patterns again and again?
I wouldn't know.
What I do know, is I am a damaged individual, highly functioning, you'd never guess it, but I am. I never learned to flirt. I never learned how to enjoy my femininity. I've had partners, husbands, a father of a baby--but every single one of them I was close enough to really know, was a survivor of sexual abuse and many were also heavy drinkers. For some reason, I have felt comfortable and 'safe' with these men because 'that's the energy that is familiar to me.'
Ashtar--both him, the higher self, and the higher self of the soul that is still coming along--helped me to find horrible, shocking preferences I had in the bedroom, and face them directly. When I saw myself begging to be hit in the face hard so it would draw blood during sex, I realized I had damage that was showing itself, I didn't want to be like that, and I realized I had crossed the pain/pleasure conversion in some point of my immediate past life and it 'stuck'.
There was no way I could ever open myself that fully to Ross for fear of shame, not from him, but from myself and the exceedingly high expectations I had of myself with him. Ross has seen his share, with me. I have worked through ninety percent of the healing just with him, one on one, alone.
It is a miracle that when I was offered the opportunity to join a 'chocolate' social club (B &SM) my friend and fellow physician who was a dominatrix participated in, I felt the energy vibrations of the group and declined. That was a huge form of loving myself enough to protect myself, and not go further down in my vibration. I probably would have gotten addicted to it, and never understood why I was drawn to it, or that I ever had that immediate past life.
The last time I was with someone, a human incarnate, was over ten years ago.
It's really painful, the loneliness.
But as my father said, 'no husband--being alone-- is better than living with a bad husband.'
And as my girlfriends said, 'if he will cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.'
I've been able to turn around the sadness of yet another hope against hope that I could share my heart and friendship and hopes and dreams with someone who walks the planet--into a realization that to Ross, I am his Queen. He loves Anthony. He is a good husband, and father. He isn't a cheater on us any more. He's considerate, and of a compatible vibration. He just is like this:
Which brings me to my most important point: if you are close to someone who has experienced the painful traumas of any kind, and most people have...LOVE THEM.
Forgive them.
As Ellie Jeppesen said, 'Thought for the day, "Forgiveness" what exactly does this mean? Well there are several ways to interpret this. The first thought come to people's mind is to wipe it out. Yes, but words are always easier said than done. My definition is that I tend to remember never forget, what I thought was not right even when I do not really know what took place or understand but have to let it go to protect me. I also ask myself wo else is worried or upset by this, and most of the time it is only me. No one else is giving it a thought. I take it as a lesson and move forward. So in these times, no matter how different we may be, put it into perspective how important it is in the long run. Here is Mr. Webster's version "To excuse for a fault or offense." Yep I wish you a feel good day in spirit and in health. See ya!"
Hope survived terrible abuse too. Growing up.
You'd never realize it when you are with her.
It is what it is.
You can only experience what your life was like for you.
If you find something isn't working, isn't bringing you joy, change what you can.
Don't keep score, and don't let anyone who is --still stuck in their habits somehow unconsciously connected to the original abuse whether it was a behavior adapatation that helped them to survive and the trauma is long over, or perhaps like with the emotional stunted growth I had perhaps they never had any chance to 'catch up' like I did with the Al Anon....remember wounded people often hurt others, it happens, it's unintentional or sometimes perhaps it is...and Hold The Space.
Hold The Space for them in Love and allow yourself the Self-Love and Balance you need. Don't go looking for it from anyone on the outside.
Today, I sat in the hammock, and just told myself over and over to feel the love that Divine Creator has for me. That's my problem, as an adult child of alcoholic I can't feel the love, and I feel need to be hyper honest (alcoholics are really good liars I've learned, many addicts and abusers are) and to work way too hard and be too hard on myself. I learned not to speak up for my own needs. That's part of the whole deal. The only feelings which matter are the alcoholic's when you grow up in an alcoholic home.
Ross has been right by my side, the whole way, and I thanked him for this wonderful gift of healing, of learning compassion, deep deep deep compassion, for again, they know not what they do. And it's something that needs to heal.
The children are being freed and rescued from the deep underground tunnels of the SRA systems. These are not ordinary children. They have seen the worst of the worst--including spiritual abuse, Monarch programming, and SRA. I believe they are being treated on the Comfort and the Mercy medical ships. Some are very thin, so you can see for yourself signs of that form of abuse.
Pray for them.
Know that angels and experts are going to make all the needed help available to help them recover.
Remember that sometimes rescue dogs and cats need a lot of love and consistency to help them learn how to be a dog or a cat again and TRUST that everything is going to be safe for them in their forever Home.
When the anger hits, at the terrible tragedy these children have endured, take a step back out of that anger energy, and go back to the energy of pure, unconditional love--for yourself, for the victims, for the rescuers, for the Truth to be free at last, and for the abusers who are often victims who made the unfortunate decision to perpetuate and repeat the cycle of abuse.
For those who are like me--kind of patched up--but not really one hundred percent better and faking it as best as you can--be mindful of reminders and triggers and give yourself the time and space you need to take care of your own wounds. Remember to put your own oxygen on first! And that oxygen is going to be pure, unconditional Love that Divine Creator has for YOU.
Then hold the space for the rest of all of humanity who has been deceived by those who are in positions of trust as they awaken to the hidden truth as it comes to the Light of Day and Light of Healing.
I'm sorry this one has been so long. It has been an important one. I always try my very best to be honest, and this subject has been so delicate I've tried my best to side step it and dance around it because it's really an unpleasant thing...even having the training I've had in the incarnations way before my immediate last one...even going back to ones with Ross in his three incarnations...with the sex magic...it's difficult to share but a gift I've worked hard to gain. If you are interested, they don't teach it like I learned it, but the readings of David Deida or Shalom Melchizidek and his Cosmic Sexuality are a decent start.
Will I choose Love?
I have.
Will I forgive myself for not giving in to the desires of my heart?
Yes. Everyone is deserving of pleasure. I'm not one to hurt anyone though, to take pleasure at the expense of another. It hurt too much when Ross was unfaithful that even if it was just a little pointed in that direction, I couldn't do it. If I can't talk on the phone in front of Anthony in the room, it's not me, it's not my style, and I just say, 'thank you, I'm flattered, and honored but I have to say 'no'.'
Ross says there's one more thing to share. He says when you go UP you have the benefit of a broader perspective. You are less apt to judge another. You couldn't possibly understand their motives and you are aware that many people act in ways to reduce their own experience of pain. Nobody wants to face it, not even he wanted to when it was his time, it is part and parcel of being incarnate. So LOVE. And when you reach the end of what you think you can handle, reach back and LOVE yourself and the Other just a little bit more.
That's how you grow to become in all ways, a Citizen who abides by Galactic ways and not by those on Earth where everything is hidden and the mind ferrets away and makes plans and gets that rush of endorphins when getting away with something exciting.
It's all good.
That's what Ross says about things. And that the many victims who are coming to light are exposing the darkness for what it is, they are the experts in their fields, and tremendous Light Soldiers who are coming to the front lines of yet another battle for the souls and consciousness of those who inhabit Gaia, surface Gaia, for all to see.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
Wow two blog posts in one day! Thank you for bearing with us!
