Tuesday, December 26, 2017

I See

I see.

I see so much more today than I saw yesterday.

About life, and also, about myself.

Twelve years of sharing Anthony for Christmas, on top of twenty-three years of working holidays, has really hurt my self-esteem and my quality of life.

Today was difficult for me.

After only one hour awake opening gifts (all the ones with no name on them were for Anthony, it saved me time. LOL)--it was time to take Anthony to his dad's house.  His grandparents were here from Arizona, and his cousins and Great Aunt and Great Uncle were due later that day.

It was awkward.

There is familiarity between us and the grandparents. Jared and I get along well when they are in a different state. But when they are here, they are setting the agenda and it's confusing at best for me as a 'baby mama'.

I've been called their daughter by them, I've gone to a family funeral, yet there's constant pressure from the brother Ian who hates me to this day.

Anthony didn't know what I was invited to do. Since Ian moved to Seattle, I had hoped for peace and nurturing, warmth, love and compassion.

Instead, I wasn't offered a cup of coffee even, never mind the Christmas Breakfast Anthony thought I was finally invited to join.

We exchanged gifts. And after about five minutes, the axe fell:  next year Ian wants the family in Seattle.

This means no Christmas--my legal right--with our son!

Furthermore, it was 'time to leave' because 'Ian was anxious to open gifts on Skype together between both homes'.

That's right, a four day drive away, and he calls the shots.

I took the few minutes there to my advantage. Tim Braun has said Uncle Dick had visited Anthony from his dad's side of the family. He put his hand on Anthony's heart and told him not to be angry at his dad's side of the family, they are doing the best they can.

I pumped the grandparents for information about this mysterious uncle who I met only once when Anthony was two months old.

He was married to the sister of Patrice's dad.  Uncle Dick is her uncle by marriage. He was a teacher, as well as his wife Evie, and Patrice's dad. All of them were from Indiana. He and Evie were in a relationship that was long distance. He found a good life here, she came out, and also, he told her brother there was a big recruitment for teachers in California.

Their homes were very close to each other in Anaheim.

He was a counselor, and so was his wife. They worked up to being school counselors.

It makes sense he would visit from beyond to help Anthony.

I gathered up my dignity, and I left when it was time. The grandparents gave me a fond goodbye, in a hurry, because they are clearly fonder for Ian over anybody else in the family. I was invited to visit them in Arizona. 'Any time'. And also told to 'enjoy my day'.

I couldn't think of anything more cruel to say to a baby mama, than to have her know she's no longer welcome, and send her out into the cold to be alone without her son on Christmas day.  Furthermore that the 'telling Ian to get over it' two years ago, lost its steam, and there is no peace in that realm for our son and grandson.

I'll never forget the joy Anthony had on his face two years ago, after ten years of 'it's her or me' from Ian, when I was permitted to Ian's home for the family gift opening. Patrice forced it. To have both his parents in the same holiday at the same time! It was so nice for Anthony to have both sides of him welcomed on Christmas for the first time in his life. I thought it would be forever like that. I was wrong.

What I see is despite the appearances and good intentions, there is no nurturing, warmth, love or compassion for me--as it would be with my family--or with my Home in Heaven. 

These people, as Uncle Dick says, truly ARE doing the best they can. 

They are, unfortunately, extremely limited with their ability to open their hearts.

What I could see, tonight, after licking my wounds and soaking up the nurturing, warmth, love and compassion at my sister's house like a sponge at dinner--is that the behavior says a whole lot more about Ian, Jared, Jen (Ian's wife), and the grandparents than it does about me. 

So I forgave them the hurt that they caused my poor heart on Christmas day...

I felt lighter after I forgave them.

When I came home to my empty house, my neighbors had parked in my spot without asking. Anthony and I had noticed when he was riding his new bike, that the neighbors had 'borrowed' my Aloe Vera plant without asking, moved the expensive pot/plant into the street, stuck a pole into it, and mounted the thing that shines lights on the house.

It was an insult.

The dad of the many adult children saw me as they were moving the cars around--to keep the twenty four hour limit on the visitor spot without ever making it available to the rest of the neighbors--and he came out of his car and hugged me and said thank you. His brother was coming that day.

I couldn't say no.

What his family chooses to do isn't right.

This morning Anthony asked why they keep doing this to me? I told him if I had a man in the house it wouldn't happen. My neighbor Lisa had her husband Michael tell them not to park in their spot. Michael is like six foot four and very imposing. They listened. I told Anthony you are tall but still a boy and they won't listen to you.

The highlight of my morning--in that brief hour--was the miracle. Anthony had made his dad drive him to the Le Labo store on Balboa Island, and bought me a bottle of lotion and a bottle of bath oil in my favorite scent, Rose 31. It smells just like the hotel we stay at in Hawaii. When he had asked me what I want for Christmas, I had told him that. And I said, 'I'll have to drive you after Christmas' because I knew his father would never drive him.

He paid for it himself, Anthony.

His father remarked to him at the store that I have expensive taste.

He didn't understand. Thankfully, our son did. I wanted to smell like my Heaven on Earth, the place where I wake up at the crack of dawn and snorkel. The place I go to in my mind when I just can't take it any more. He wanted to bring that here to me.

For Christmas I got a beautiful necklace with a tree of life, and a blue jade bracelet from a very gifted healer. It meant so much.

I also got some cards from people I know online, as well as those I've known over the years.

A PACU RN bought me a mug from Florence, and biscotti. I had my Peet's holiday blend from my sister in it. She couldn't let me go without a little something. So she gave me Lindt, dark chocolate M and M candies, and a pound of the most special Peet's. She gets me a little something every year She's so kind!

I bought myself one ornament (Hallmark scrub one for this year) and the tiniest box of chocolates from See's that has six pieces. I also bought nesting dolls of the three kings, and a tin of chocolates for Ross. Everything else was Star Wars for Anthony, ornaments and a deluxe set  of six pairs of socks.

My oldest cousin and his wife sent me cookies in the mail.

Mom gave me a check. It was super kind of her.

Simple is good. For the whole holiday. I'm content. I helped brighten MANY lives, thanks to the help of our supporters, and for this all is well. <3 Thank you.

I saw this last night, it helped:

Then another film I saw this morning helped me to understand why Ian hates me--I had a child outside of wedlock, and I'm independent financially--it's too much of this 'vibe' for him. BTW, this film ISN'T for the sexual part, that's not my point. It's the class of women who are not slaves to men in ancient times--that is the point.

Queens of Heaven by Robert Sephir

This one here, delighted me, and also, validated me. I saw it while I was going through my emails. It's my home...Berkeley College of Chemistry and Chemical Engineering. The one who says Joyeux Noel was a brand new Chem E professor when I started. He was a Chemistry PhD from UC Santa Barbara, and he taught us Chemical Engineering 101--he was learning it as he was teaching us. Now he's the chair of the department. Dr. Jeffrey Reimer. The richness of the diversity really warms my heart.

Ross wanted me to watch a movie on Netflix.

I did.

It's called the Tree Man.  It's about François, a father of three in Quebec, who moves down to NY City for one month every year to sell Christmas Trees. His stand is at Broadway and 102nd street. The documentary is about the people who know him, and buy from him every year. A Jewish woman from Holland lets him shower at her house. He lives in his van he's named 'Elvis'. There's a night watchman named Angel who watches the trees while Francois sleeps.

I liked how François is open about how he feels about the whole thing. He loves  his family. He's never been able to pick a tree with them. He hasn't been able to keep anything but odd jobs. So he does this sacrifice to help his family survive the year. 

There's two helpers, Jason and Nelson, who deliver the trees. 

The documentary talks about others like François who sell trees on the street in the city.

It was good. 

Ross has good taste.

I had been on my emails because I have a terrible deadline. I need to beef up my time on a simulator to meet a certain requirement for my certification. I arranged it so I could study at home.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw a Master Class ad--for Alice Waters!

I jumped at the chance.

This was my message to her:

Twenty years ago, I lived on Francisco Street in Berkeley. I was recovering from brain surgery, and walked the neighborhood often. Chez Panisse was right there. Alice Waters was my hero. I had to choose between two dreams, to become a doctor or to find a way to study with Alice. Both were important in my heart. I am an anesthesiologist now, hopefully, a little like Alice in the sense I am a pioneer. I am known online as 'Reiki Doc' and have formed a small community of people who want 'healing' put back into the 'healers' in conventional medicine. Now, as a miracle, I get a second chance to learn from Alice herself! I am thrilled and eager to just spend time learning what she has to share. She's motivated me since I started as an undergrad in 1982, when I had surgery in 1990, and left for medical school in San Diego in 1996. I adore cooking, I get the organic box to my door every week with fresh seasonal produce. Bless you Alice and Bless you Master Class! I want to learn ALL! (I've eaten only twice at Chez Panisse. She even makes foods I ordinarily wouldn't like taste wonderful!) Merry Christmas!

I'm super excited. I feel that it's Ross' Christmas gift to me.

Then I did the simulator. I'm horrible at video games. The patient on the simulator has died on me twice because I can't figure out where all the little buttons are that correspond to my daily life. Fortunately there's no limit to how many times you take it. They say you will crash and burn at the beginning since there's a learning curve to 'drive' the simulator. I raised my score from twenty-six percent to sixty something. You need seventy percent to pass.

I was in a funk when it was time to go to my sister's house. I'm an early person. And they are a little 'later'. For dinner I was like, should I drive? What about when I go to sleep? And the next days when I go back to work?  Fortunately I asked Ross (with my pendulum) and he said to go right away.

So I did.

Technically I'm still on backup call, until seven a.m. But I haven't been called in.

I go to sleep with contentment.

Life goes on.

My sister gave good advice about the Seattle thing. She says a lot depends on if Anthony wants to go. If he does, then, let him. If he doesn't, then, say no. She says it would be important for his dad to take him anywhere while he still cares for his dad to take him somewhere.

My brother-in-law said that then, the following year, I can have him for the whole time too.

I appreciate the insights very much. It makes my nightmare and anxiety less.

They took care to let me know I'm always welcome.

I realized when there is a LACK of nurturing, warmth, love and compassion--as Higher Conscious/Ascended beings--it takes its toll on us, as we have feelings and are human 'this time around'.

What HEALS us is being in the love of our family--earth family, Star family, work family, 'friends as your family of choice'--where you can be vulnerable and gather your strength. 

Humanity has been exposed to the ultimate LACK of nurturing, warmth, love and compassion at the hands of Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest At Heart.  Once everyone 'awakens' to the point, like I did earlier today, that no matter what Jared's family says and does in their 'level of Consciousness' as good will to me, in the grand scheme of things, it hurts--because it ISN'T like 'home' in any sense. So...going BACK to HOME and being vulnerable in a safe environment (with angels! and our guides!) will expedite the healing.

This lesson has taken me many long years to comprehend.

Fill your cup.

The Council and all the channelers say this again and again.

It's not just nurturing yourself. It's not just 'put your own oxygen on first'. It's taking a good look at what happened, with eyes that 'see', accepting it, taking steps to heal, and regaining your composure again.

I look forward to next Christmas, because I know there is support--not just like Ross with the movie and the Master Class--but family support.

Christi found my birthday gift...from summer.

It's from Disney World, I forgot they went.  A mug and also a tote bag, both with Tinkerbell, and my name on it. I love Tinkerbell when she flies before the fireworks show.

I realized with something FROM there, I was able to accomplish similar work by extension in that location, as I've been doing all along here in Anaheim.

I'll sleep well.  I felt a huge energy blockage release when I healed it.

I've been waiting for this to happen for a long time.


Ross wants me to show the tamales I had for lunch, the raja ones (no meat, cheese and peppers inside only)

In looking for that I also saw his heart he sent me as I went to the car alone after leaving Anthony there. (They are keeping him overnight, it's not their turn, it's Monday, which is my home night, but the grandparents are setting the agenda again).

 It meant so much.

Ross honey are you going to say anything?

He shakes his head no.

I hear him say, 'I love my Carla'.

He also gave me a Reiki symbol today, the strongest one. It's the Seraphim symbol. You open and close your hands with an accent on the opening two times. I know it will work for us. He's not talking if it will work for you. He says, 'shhhh'.

We send you our love.

Ross bows in gassho, instead of clapping.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Twins