Sometimes I feel in this incarnation I have lived more lives than a single one!
Twenty eight years ago today I was a bride, down in Long Beach, with a view of the Queen Mary at the reception.
I had forgotten!
The last two days for me have been very rough. It seems my growth is scheduled to take place when Anthony is with Jared for the weekend.
Yesterday was a very rough time for me because my lawyer had provided a geotechnical engineer, and I was given ten days to sign a contract that had multiple estimates for each phase of a five phase project (we all know how 'estimates' are!) that were each phase over five thousand dollars!
I was in shock! All I had wanted to do was have an expert evaluate my home. But with the five phases, that was just the beginning, and didn't even include getting anything fixed!
I don't want to sue anybody. I just want to fix my house and know if it really needs to be fixed.
I lay on my porch swing, and cried. I begged for Joseph to come to my aid! This was far outside my expertise or even familiarity, and every cell in my body screamed to say to this offer No! No! No!
Comfort came, along with a promise to assist.
When I awoke this morning, I was told I would get to stay in my home.
But Spirit wasn't done with me. I had to be driven to that point where A) I realized it ISN'T really 'my' house, the bank owns it, and God lets me live here through his grace and B) there are some pretty nice other options out there with homes that aren't connected, God wasn't trying to be harsh.
The last part, C) wasn't pretty.
Joseph was asking me why I don't want to move? How do I feel?
It was the old 'stuff' from my life with Ross coming up to be healed. I didn't LIKE all the moving. Everything would be fine and then one day he would say, 'It's time to move!' I never had any say in any of it. I had no choice, no other option. At the end, he didn't include me to move with him at all, because of our daughter. He went and I stayed home.
My soul was crying in agony to Joseph just how completely miserable our old lives had been. I told him I had wanted to stay near him and Ross' mom. And to enjoy our family. I couldn't understand why it had to be so?
Joseph reassured me I had indeed agreed to it, before I was born, but in the actual experience of living it out, it was a lot harder on me than anyone had bargained.
Mary came to me too, and comforted me. I forget now what she said. But I was in sort of a fog all last night and most of this morning. I ate ice cream straight from the carton --I eat my emotions!--hadn't done that since fellowship. That was my dinner. And I played video games to relax. Smurfs.
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep. I actually got up after an hour and played more Smurfs. It's Anthony's game but I used to play it too a long time ago. Then I was sleepy and went back to sleep.
This morning wasn't a whole lot better. Ross in my sleep had showed me 'things'--about his, um, 'things that make me sad'. He wasn't as bad--he said. I saw it, and I rejoiced over what I saw. But I countered that it still was bad enough for me to catch a communicable disease, and back in those days, we didn't have medicines like we do now, and I suffered.
Then I REALLY remembered. I remembered the rush and the fleeing for our lives after he died. I remembered packing, and having people help us (me and his mom and his daughter) to go very far away. I remember fearing for my life, and our family's lives. I remember being in total survival mode and living in caves for years. And how we kept a chamber pot, and the air in the cave was never really fresh. It took a very long time for us to get the all clear it was safe for us to come out.
That was traumatic. Just the memories alone. I called in Raphael, Michael, and I cried to Ross saying, 'this ISN'T me! I don't WANT these bad memories to be me! I don't know how to get rid of them! It's like they are in the very atoms that are me. Please, please, help me to heal and to move beyond this horrible story!'
My mom called right at the worst. She always knows. I couldn't pick up. She can tell when I have been upset. She doesn't know any of it, Ross, me, our story from the past. Her guides have told her I am 'a very special soul' and that's it.
Raphael had this long green glowing wand that was like a vogel crystal, and he was using it to heal touching all these points in my energy system while Ross held me and soothed me.
It was BIZARRE!
I was crying to Ross because I am afraid to remember anything else--was there more trauma that was hidden? Is this how our story ends with me an emotional cripple from our experiences in the Illusion?
He looked at me in the eyes, and said, gently, 'There is more' and I picked up from his tone of voice that down the road after this there are some very good things in our story, things Ross has planned for us, things I couldn't possibly understand at all.
I forgive Ross. I have forgiven him over and over and over.
What we are stuck with are the negative energy patterns from the trauma which are in my soul, and are working their way out.
Last night he had kind of asked me to hang out with him, and I caught myself with the ice cream and video games and thought to myself and him, 'I guess I'm not much fun, am I?'
I didn't want to be with him, and I hadn't understood why. Now I do. I also realized my failed marriage is healing--the one to Mark.
When it rains it pours.
Here is a little more from my history...in the early 1990's, I used to live in North Side in Berkeley, California. My favorite shop was called GAIA Bookstore. I have a little yellow ticket stub from a book signing, Gaia Bookstore, 1400 Shattuck Avenue at Rose, Berkeley (510) 848-GAIA. The book was by Dr. Leonard Laskow, a physician. The title is Healing With Love: A Breakthrough Mind/Body Medical Program For Healing Yourself and Others.
In the timeless wholeness of Infinite Love we are one.
It was written on the first page.
This was written in my own hand on the second page, just under the dedication of the book which says: To that spirit in each of us that desires to bring boundless love in to physical being, making the infinite finite and the finite infinite.
It came out of me, unknowingly, a voice rooted, sprung forth from an inner need. Beseechingly I cried, in the midst of marital warfare: I want you to touch me, to hold me, tightly...to say you're sorry that I am in pain and that I don't have to hurt anymore." (my husband had not been especially supportive during my healing from repressed memory of gang rape before age 5).
Later, I realized that Jesus had discovered this, and in this manner he had been able to heal. Truly, he still does, in His own way.
I think of him as the Master Psychiatrist, ruler of the innermost psyche, the human heart. (watch out AMA!) (the American Medical Association--ed)"
I couldn't believe I had written those words. I had to sit down. I felt both at once like my soul hadn't healed ANYTHING in twenty-four years. And that I was a prophet.
I was completely surprised at just how far I've come, never realizing it would be eighteen more years before I reached Reiki 1. (By the way I got all of my Reiki training in one year, and reached Reiki Master by December 2010, when this blog started as a way to reach out to my fellow healers...)
Today's Creator Writings click here made me smile. Because although I hadn't written anything, Creator was watching, and always giving me loving support.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Hearts