The Final Push
Today was difficult. I had the 'sense' last night when I went to sleep that it was time for me to clear more 'layers' of 'gunk' from my soul that had collected from incarnation after incarnation. I woke in fairly good spirits but it was very very late, like, ten o'clock.
I wanted to accomplish one task--cleaning the kitchen, and one chore--taking the mice babies back tot the pet shop because the cage was full. I donate them, basically. I never intended to be a mice 'rancher'--but the bird enjoys the company, so I enjoy them too. They are very healthy and happy mice.
It dawned on me that my lifestyle and my growing consciousness is creating a minor depression: I realize due to my lifestyle I can no longer plan ahead to do the things I enjoy or have the 'flow of spontaneity superimposed over a fairly predictable routine' that I once had as a kid.
Between the overnight calls, the co-parenting, and my body reacting to the energies of Ascension--I am constantly 'off balance' emotionally and spiritually.
And when I get a day alone to myself, I don't even know where to begin!
I am overwhelmed with all the 'catching up' I need to do in my life--in all areas.
To be frank today after feeding the animals and having a light breakfast, I simply went back to bed.
I have his portrait. It is the nicest and kindest thing Spirit could do for me when I went to the mediumship night last night. The artist lady sold them after the show, the ones that 'came through' for the people getting the readings.
(as a side note, WHY IS IT that when you go to activity that costs thirty dollars, there is always SOMETHING ELSE there for sale at the event? why isn't it INCLUDED with the ticket? The same thing happened tonight at the slack key guitar concert I saw, too.)
Seeing that face of my Beloved is a lot to take. And things came up. I had to lay on the couch and talk to him, from my soul. Had I failed him? Was he seeing a mistress--is that why he went out at all hours of the night when we were alive? Why couldn't our happiness have lasted FOREVER?
I felt incredible, deep deep GUILT over having had to leave his body (we were Jewish) and knowing it was thrown out of the town wall for the scavenger beasts to destroy.
G: I saved your life, right? (he died instead of me during a chase)
G: Could you have gone to the body without risk to your own life back then?
C: No, I couldn't.
G: You think it would have been wise after my saving your life for you to go out there and risk dying so soon after my death trying to save my body for a proper Jewish burial?
G: You were in survival mode--and then the Jewish laws don't apply. You are excused as my wife from the proper burial rules; I don't fault you.
C: That's why I need YOU--I can't forgive myself for this because only YOU can forgive, and you just did. Thank you.
I still felt terrible loss over that lifetime, where everything seemed at the time perfect, easy, and filled with love.
I also realize with my rising consciousness, that in the Illusion of Separation from God, our Loved Ones are tangible GIFTS from God. They are all we can see and feel and experience as Divine with our ordinary senses.
So when they pass, especially suddenly, as spirits incarnate we ACHE with the realization of separation from Source--our Loved One who had been 'filling our hearts' is ABSENT...even as an Energy Worker, I can 'sense' how our energy is actually a sum total of our etheric cord connections to our work, our family, and our friends. When one 'connection' is severed, it hurts! This is because there are LEAKS in the aura from where the attachments were. It will take some time to heal from this, and it will in fact heal. It just takes time.
This in itself is the single most frustrating experience of being incarnate and communicating with beings in Spirit--they tell us 'God is always with you' and 'your deceased LOVED ones are even closer than before'...
BUT IT IS NO CONSOLATION!
Within the Illusion, I tell Spirit again and again, 'You can't love AIR!'--it's just too intangible for a human to love an energy field.
This is why many people look for 'signs' from their deceased loved ones for their presence--coins, feathers, birds, songs on the radio, flowers...
Basically this part of the Illusion SUCKS.
With my Higher Self
I was taken to Sophia today by Ross.
Much as I know her and love Her, the first thing that came out of my mouth as Ross took me by the elbow was, 'She's not going to EAT me I hope?'
There is terror with your Higher Self--they know all, you know very little, thanks to the amnesia--and you never know exactly where you stop and they begin, and what will happen to you...
I had so many questions for her!
- Why am I made this way? And for what purpose?
- Why all the lessons? Why must I experience PAIN? and suffering?
- What is my part in all of this?
- When will this END?
- Please promise me this will never happen again!
She answered me kindly. I saw her, we were face to face. She was seated on some silken ottoman, she had long flowing gown, long brown hair, and her face looked like Lady Nada's face...
She told me I had signed up for this. That I was about to graduate...
At this I completely lost it and started freaking out--PLEASE DON"T TELL ME I HAVE TO INTERVIEW FOR A JOB AND THEN GET STUCK FOR THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE WORKING IN A CORPORATE HELL VERSION OF DUALITY!!!
(Ross had to explain to her that in our culture, after one graduates one is expected to support one's self by working, sometimes more than one or two jobs)
She reassured me this is 'continuous learning' and there is no expectation to commit to employment or a career of any kind in the afterlife.
She also said that I am a good student (I quipped, 'I will do what it takes to get A's') and that my lessons are advanced so that is why they are difficult.
Ross and I were incarnated together three times to my knowledge. First I had thought was Gamaliel and Tabitha. Then immediately following was the life everybody knows us by different names than our Ross and Carla.
But BEFORE was Melchizedek and I am told my name was Bobbee. He was twenty years my senior, and a priest. I was a child brought up in the community to be 'religious'--devoted to the temple. I guess you could say I was a temple girl.
Since we were Twin Souls, you can imagine the chemistry between us. And the spiritual growth and development which followed for us both, pushing us to our limits in our mastery of our training.
I asked how he died?
And what happened to me?
He had designated for one of his servants to come with him to the burial, and be entombed with him. So when he died, I was destined for death too, at his bidding.
I asked to make sure I wasn't sealed in the tomb alive like Aida?
He told me I was given something to drink, and that was it.
This had me VERY unbalanced...Melchizidek was Ross. Gamaliel was Ross. And Ross was Ross--all of whom were my soul twin.
I wanted to 'ride off into the sunset' with Ross at the end of all this, that's been my dream...to motivate me through all of this Ascension experience.
Now, half-heartedly, I concede--Ross? In whatever form you are, I will always love you. I accept that YOU were present for me in all of those forms, possibly more, and it is still THE SAME YOU.
So much for the Richard Gere sweeping Debra Winger off her feet in An Officer And A Gentleman 'finale' to this incarnation...it's more of a 'my saying Uncle! I give up!' instead.
It's not a lot, but I still feel annoyed and cheated because, for example, tonight at the auditorium--I looked around and said to myself, 'I'll bet those people can schedule and plan their lives and pursue their own agenda. I bet they have no clue there is anything MORE out there than that life experience!'
And look at me.
Every time I go do something fun, I am asked to build a vortex, to help people cross to the Light, to clear out negative imprints (I just did that tonight at the concert--it was held in the City Hall where the politicians meet)...
When Spirit 'nudges' me to go do 'something fun', I can't even think of anything. This is because I don't have access to free time, to downtime, enough to spend time with friends and family--except for the family events and holidays.
Deep down in my heart, I know that my life is one of Service, and the true Service hasn't even begun--in a way I am almost looking past THIS incarnation to the next one in order to be able to enjoy my life experience. It's like this one is all used up, and promised for this mission and that assignment...I am not going to fight the Universal City Hall to get my own way, especially since according to Sophia I had good reason and I signed up for this.
I asked her point blank, in our conversation earlier, 'Did I do this to impress somebody? Is THAT why I signed up for all this?'
She said I hadn't. And that in the big picture I will be pleased once everything is done.
Running To Daddy
When I can't take it any more, I go to Divine Father. HE has never had any incarnations (at least when I asked him that's what he's said--he confessed he had 'aspects' of sorts but nothing major). He is ALWAYS the same!
So I just went to him and opened my heart, and sat quietly in His presence.
He explained that as a Seraphim I am made to 'worship' something--Creator. And in the human experience, this is why I 'take it so hard' when my Creator 'substitute'--a pet, a person, anything I really love and adore--goes away. If the 'Illusion of Separation from God' is painful, for a Seraphim is it triple or more...for that is what we do...all day long...if you have looked that sort of thing up you would know...
Anyhow, he helped me feel better enough after a short time to go with Ross. Ross explained gently he is RIGHT NEXT TO ME...
But it's a bunch of 'hot air' in so many ways--I can't touch it or hold it you see...
Then when I lay on the porch swing while I watered the garden with a sprinkler, I saw IT.
A tiny speck of light like the sun shines on an airplane--very far in the sky--and it didn't move. Not for anything. It was too bright daytime to be a star or a planet.
I sent it my thoughts. I love you please tell Ross I love him thank you for protecting me.
I really didn't want to go. And I sat in the back. I looked at my phone. The music was awesome but I was just not able to relax and enjoy the concert for the longest time.
I finally did. And I bought four CD's--one was a tribute to Sublime and the other a tribute to The Eagles in Slack Key...lol
It wasn't 'my crowd' as if I had a crowd--you see, the other people there were like an AARP convention. This was shocking to see people who let their hair go gray!
But after the concert, when I got into my car, I 'got it'--and I said, 'Ross, thank you for the sound therapy'.
It was healing.
Plus, I manifested it. I've been wanting to go to Oahu for about two months now. At least from what I understand, due to the economy--more Hawaiians are moving here because if you don't inherit land you can't stay there with a place to live...So this is why the Hawaiian Musicians make the tour on the mainland...you see?
As you can see, Carla is making it up the hill. She is breathless and exhausted but has hoisted herself up (last night she had one leg up and was ready for the Big Push).
With the 'timeline splicer' we have the ability to remove all of the pain when there is no unfinished part of 'the lesson'.
When there is, one must ground and 'go through the emotions' of the 'spiritual assignment'--although there is much help from us, who guide those who are incarnate--only the incarnate one has the ability to do the work itself.
Just as a child must learn to walk, falls and scrapes and bumps and bruises--no one can carry them around indefinitely.
So as it is with you.
As you REMEMBER and RECALL your past life experiences, your 'incarnations' as Carla calls them, a lot of old FEELINGS (he gestures to his chest) are going to be re-lived. This is why it is good to 'hold your head steady' and always be the 'impartial observer' while you are healing your past life work. We want you to feel the emotion, process it, and let it go. Why? Because all of this 'stuff' isn't going to take you anywhere to to Higher Realms. It is 'excess weight' for your emotional body. So RELAX, LET GO, and SUBMIT TO THE PROCESS.
Just today, Carla has forgotten it already because we took the timeline splicer to her--Carla said, 'I ACCEPT all of my Life Lessons and Experiences, even the painful ones like with Gamaliel and Ross. I know it is for my Highest Good. I selected them. I accept and allow what must become of them, and me. I agree to move forward with the learning process.'
That is an important point.
I want to emphasize it again, with a parable--Imagine you were siamese (conjoined) twins. One of them has to go one way, the one with the legs and the ability to control them. The other has to ACCEPT and go along with the ride. It helps for that twin to be as pleasant as possible, and to request nicely when there is a desire to go another direction. This is the way of the Twins in the sense of not just like me with Carla, but with the soul and the Higher Self.
Carla 'released' her expectations and let herself go along with the current of the energies of her Life Experience.
With love and gratitude, together with Acceptance, this is the way of Deliverance from the status quo, and where you are 'stuck'...
Here are four videos that made a huge impact on Carla today too. Here are the links if you haven't experienced them:
- The burn patient speaks http://www.musiccrowns.org/art/miyya-ulove-sifford/
- The Hensel Twins https://youtu.be/pVnd3r_aY2k
- The girl who says, 'I don't need something easy, I need something POSSIBLE' who has no nose and is blind https://youtu.be/uzATvc_s4-s
- The boy who lived before https://youtu.be/QgOBfCrxS3U
I thought you might like to know about them too. They answered Carla's heartfelt question to her higher self Sophia--'Who AM I? Why am I here? And WHY would I agree to experience so much pain?'...
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla