Lately a lesson for me has been coming up again and again--anger, and working through the hurt feelings to resolution.
It's an important lesson.
Let's pick up where we left off, with me being super angry and upset at Ross the other day when Anthony found his lost bracelet, and Ross had a 'plan' for Anthony to 'put it to use'...
For those of you who have been reading this blog for many years, you may recall that in our immediate past life just as I had pushed the baby out, Ross had given permission for our newborn son to be whisked away and raised by others in secret, telling me--although my intuition knew full well the birth had been normal and the baby had been healthy--that the child I had carried in my womb the whole nine months was stillborn.
It never cried--they put a finger in its mouth and were that fast to silence it and get it away to the designated couriers.
But I knew and my resentment and anger over that built and built ever since, causing me to do many things in many lifetimes just to get back at Ross for this horrible injustice to me.
My anger from this is raw, and barely contained. I think it's healed, but obviously it has a ways to go in the healing department until I'm over it.
The other day, when we got home from Hawaii, I sat on my porch swing and leveled with Ross.
I said, 'I never got the chance to raise our son. I'm sad. Very sad. I never had the opportunity to see if he looks like you and acts like you.'
Ross said, 'we were under political pressure--they would have killed all of us! Look what happened to me.'
I told him flat out that I should have been able to go in secret to raise the child too, he was only a baby. Ross was a grown man and would have been fine without me. The baby was innocent and all alone. They could have told everybody that I had died in childbirth!
That one caught Ross by surprise.
He's still learning to see things with a woman's perspective.
I told him I was sad I never had a chance to raise our son.
Pointedly, which is as close to anger as Ross ever gets, he asked me, 'what are you doing NOW (raising Anthony)?'
I saw he was doing his part. Only later.
I thanked him for the child, the boy, and I let it go.
Ross played this song for me, as a way to make the peace. It was my first song on the radio during my commute, and also, the last one on the way home.
Ross sent me to the crystal shop.
Again this is one of the many times where 'I make plans and God laughs'--I had my free time ready on the drive home, and I obeyed Ross' 'request' and scrapped my own plans.
He said he had a gift for me, and also, to drink a cup of tea.
I was drawn to a sphere of angelite. I spoke with Charlie and Brandon about its use in grief and healing it. Brandon said he has given that stone away more than any other one. It's also useful for people who are facing the Transition at the end of life, to help soothe them as it approaches.
I realized I'm the one who needs to heal.
Not just from that life, but from this one too.
I've MET the souls of Ross' and my children in this life. But to be honest, our son has been through some really hard times--has multiple abuse of substance issues, and just can't seem to get over the pain. And it's time for our daughter's birthday in this incarnation. They are married, and when the marriage was in trouble and 'things changed' I just wasn't in the right place to help them.
I guess I must have healed now to be able to want to make amends to these souls now while I'm incarnate, amends on behalf of me and Ross--because honestly back then we sucked as parents.
The one thing both remember is we were never around in that incarnation. They were always under the care of someone else.
They knew.
I feel better being in this space where I am now, conscious of the pain, and wanting to help heal it, knowing it's a long heal, and I'm praying for All Divine Assistance again for these two souls who were with us long before Anthony came to this incarnation with me now.
LINZ, AUSTRIA - FEBRUARY 22, 2015: Manuel Prazak (#235 Austria) and Thomas Wannasek (#223 Austria) compete in the men's 4x200m relay event in an indoor track and field event.
Anthony and I had a run in yesterday too.
He does something called Square One Art with his school. He's done it since kindergarten. He draws a design on a square of paper, and the company makes it possible to buy items like mugs with his design on it. They also give free stickers.
I saw the poster at the school that they were out and due at the end of the week to order with the school.
I was happy! Anthony is a good artist and his last years design of a whale tail was really top-notch!
Well, he disclosed to me in the car he threw the packet out. He didn't want any of it. He had things to do, when the art assignment was given, and he didn't do his best. He wrote the words, 'which is the way home?' and colored them in.
Metaphysically I knew the genius of it.
But he was embarrassed because he didn't try his best, he thought it was ugly, and wanted to get rid of it.
He had just came up with a 'get rich quick' scheme at school that failed--he's reading Fahrenheit 451, and he has to take notes. But all he was doing was not reading and randomly copying sentences from each chapter. He spent two hours on this, and I questioned his reasoning but let him face the consequences. They were huge, and his teacher called him on it. So HE had been angry when he threw out his art too.
I told him I was disappointed and very hurt by his actions.
He tried to defend it saying the class thought it was ugly.
Like with Ross, I leveled with him. I told him even if he thinks it's ugly, I'm his mom, this is his last one ever, and I had been looking forward to it.
I was sad. I wanted to cry.
I told him flat out, 'don't ever make a decision for me like that, let me be the one to decide if I want to order or not, I have my own reasons, I'm a mom, and what might be ugly to you and your friends and even your teacher might be beautiful to me. Don't take that away from me.'
He apologized and promised not to do it again. He has a new art project and he will work hard on it.
I told him that it won't make up for what he did, but I appreciate his concern and willingness to make an effort to help us move on.
We ended up getting new running shoes (I'm starting to wear mine out now that I'm more active) and ordered his left-handed banjo too.
For dinner, I had like, four points in my WW left. I'm at negative seventeen for the 'treats' for the week.
I cooked.
I enjoy cooking. I made chicken nuggets (healthy ones), cebollitas (grilled green onions, whole), salad, yams, and boiled beets. I also cooked some brussels sprouts on the stalk. We had leftover passion tea with a little San Pellegrino thrown in.
And at my insistence, we watched the Three Stooges at dinner.
We laughed so hard.
Anthony wished we could do this every night, and since I could watch the Stooges all day, I agreed to do it again.
I served him his slice of pumpkin pie he'd bought from Trader Joe's. He adores pumpkin. I had a tiny piece too, and I didn't count it in my points. It was a super teeny sliver.
Later, I had to play the piano to help him sing. He's switched from the band to the choir and has to catch up for a concert coming up soon.
We laughed and had fun. He was embarrassed to sing in front of me. But we ended up growing closer. Sometimes I like to sing off key on purpose, and it made him squeal so hard I thought he was going to pee his pants he laughed so much!
We are made to heal and to experience joy and warmth with others.
When something angers you, especially irrationally, look within.
Work with your guides and your life situation's lessons as they are presented to you.
Everything will heal in time.
It always done.
Just sometimes across many incarnations.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
P.S. Ross says to share what I bought for our kids--Steve and Alexandra in this life--candles. Candles of protection and healing. And two special crystal hearts. One for each. And an aura spray called 'Guardian'. I want to send them a care package. And also, to call Alexandra as soon as I get some free time to catch up and wish her a Happy Birthday...
