I haven't eaten since around four p.m. It was leftover guacamole and chips that had been on the lunch table in the doctor's lounge since noon. There is a rule that everything on the table is fair game, but I wasn't sure. I had seen the lunches there from Chipotle, I had thought it might be drug rep food designated for a team of surgeons who were operating (we hardly get such treats but some surgeons do)...I asked my friends, who were present and they said just to eat it.
I noticed that the diet coke I had wanted (I never drink soda but there were four in a bag and I wanted one)--the one I had wanted at noon, had melted. I didn't drink it when I had the chips.
Many nights I go to bed hungry.
Last night was one of them. The reason is the timing.
I came out from surgery after nine o'clock. All the restaurants were closed, including the hospital cafeteria. I could have stopped off at Denny's, or even had a chicken pot pie here at the house if I microwaved it. But I have reflux (GERD) and it's not good for me to have a huge meal right before bedtime. Because of my condition, I'm not supposed to eat for two hours before bedtime, so I sleep better.
There is a surgeon who taught me a couple lessons I would like to share with you.
About hunger, he said, 'It's really not that important, hunger. If you wait a little while it goes away.'
It's true.
It happened this morning too. I wanted to write before eating.
He works more than anyone I have ever met. He is also one of the 'boat people' from Vietnam. He is an amazing surgeon, and his specialty is the lower GI tract. The 'butt and gut' surgeon. Many people have very serious problems that he treats--cancers and blockages--and he is highly experienced and saves many lives.
He told me this story:
In a poor country, by the ocean, there was a terrible storm.
Thousands of starfish (sea stars) were stranded upon the shore.
The sun was hot, and they were starting to die.
A little boy was picking up as many as he could into his arms, and carrying them by the armful back and forth to the sea, throwing them in.
An old man observed him.
The old man said to him, 'why even bother? there are too many to save! you can't save them all!!'
The little boy took one starfish, holding it in his hand in the old man's gaze, and threw it as far as he could into the sea.
Quietly, he spoke to the elder, and asked a question...'what about for the one that I just threw? isn't it for him, one hundred percent chance to survive, because I returned him to the ocean?'
My surgeon paused...taking a moment in deep reflection, allowing me time to absorb the wisdom that keeps him working all hours of night and day for his sick patients, day dafter day, hardly ever taking time to sleep or to relax.
Then he said, 'I do it for the one. Each and every one of my patients. I can't save them all, all the people with disease who are out there. But for those who come to me, I help them, one by one, because for them, it is their one hundred percent chance to survive. I do it for the one. '
Yesterday, I was walking to the car after my long shift. I'd worked fourteen hours. I was ready and thankful to go home.
I was thinking of Ross. And I must back track a little...please forgive me...
I had a meeting yesterday. It was for the Library Committee at the hospital. We select lecture topics for our CME luncheon series.
I had to ask a colleague who had a break to cover for my lineup so I could go.
When I got there, it was five people not including me. They were well-fed, and comfortable. One woman, the nurse in charge of infectious disease prevention at the hospital--had on lots of emeralds. Lots and lots of them. Real. Her hair is from the eighties, and her fashion sense is peculiar, and she has lots of jewelry every day. I focused on the emeralds, I wasn't sure why.
Our lectures are not random.
There are 'gaps' to fill. And also, this nurse Rosemary has lots of data. She has to make the numbers look good.
But she's no chemical engineer. She's a businesswoman first, who happens to be in healthcare.
She was going over a graph and speaking doom and gloom because we hadn't made our hospital goal for a certain number of palliative care consults. (There's some government measurement hoop we have to prove we are jumping through, it changes every year).
I looked at the graph and said, 'This is only through October. We don't have the full data for 2016 yet. There are two more months.'
She was like, 'oh.'
And the oncologist perked up and said we had already met the goal with the November consults, and December offers us opportunity to exceed the goal.
Things are never an accident.
The next objective was to approve new topics. There was only one lecture topic requested. It was for Medical Marijuana.
(I had jotted this request down on my one and only lecture I had time to attend's evaluation form last month as a formal request).
At first the group was like, 'what?'...but our pharmacy had sent notice to have NO marijuana in the hospital even if patients bring it in because A) you don't know the purity or dose --there's no standardization and B) it's still a federal offense (we get lots of Medicare dollars)....
Then it turned out Rosemary's husband is a big medical marijuana doc, and he's been interviewed on TV. He's been doing this for a long time. Then the oncologist said 'it's a very useful drug and it's been held back due to the stigma, which is a shame.' He uses it with his patients too. Rosemary's husband says many families have loved ones with stage four cancer. They just want them to be able to eat and to sleep without discomfort until the end, and it works. I shared how MANY--sometimes it seems like all--of my patients tell me they are on 'medical marijuana'--and are actually intoxicated on it when I meet them in pre-op, and it affects what I do. I don't believe many of them are in the stage four cancer situation, most are recreational users who seek to make their use acceptable in a hospital setting, so they say it is 'medical'. I can't sort out the real ones from the fakes, to be honest, but because their drugs and mine interact, I have to be very careful what I give to these patients...
So it was a big hit, this topic. Then it was time for me to go.
The emeralds were for the 'green gold' (mairjuana) Spirit was trying to help me make the connection to with Rosemary. Her husband will be set to speak to our doctors in 2017.
I had to leave in a hurry to relieve my colleague from my room so she could return to her assignment at the end of her gap in her schedule.
So I went to the bathroom downstairs. This is both the nicest (biggest with lockers) and the loneliest one in the hospital, the far corner of the basement by pathology and the meeting rooms.
I needed Ross.
I begged his forgiveness.
Some part of me thought on some level maybe because I was so devastated and angry at him for giving away our son and lying and telling me it had died in childbirth in our last incarnation, that I caused his death. That I wanted him dead. That I wished it. In some way, that I was connected and at fault for the horrible, awful things that happened to him...
I burst into silent tears. Right there, while on the toilet in the far corner restroom in the basement underneath the hospital.
Ross reassured me. He said it wasn't my fault, and that all is forgiven. Even if I had orchestrated it out of sheer fury and rage at him, he still would forgive me for ALL. And I HADN'T done anything so mean. I had hurt and pain and we were distant. But it didn't contribute to his death.
A warmth came over me, and a calm. I wiped the tears as I went to wash my hands. And I came upstairs.
I did fine all afternoon and night...
But in the walk to my car, horrible images from Ross' death started to intrude on me, unwelcome, and unwanted, and waves of sadness started to engulf me again.
Out of the blue, in a way that startled me, I said to myself and to spirit, very loud inside--not with my mouth--'HORRIBLE THOUGHTS BEGONE!'
And they left!
Just like that.
We are stronger than we think, as Spiritual Beings. And when we encounter very Low Vibration--in our thoughts, or as tests, or perhaps in mediumship--God doesn't want us to suffer.
We have Free Will.
And the rules are, when those of us with Free Will encounter something that doesn't--and it's bothering us in any way--we tell it to GO AWAY!
It has to listen.
It's the rules.
I've told horrible phantoms and reptilian ugly creatures in spirit who were watching me as I was falling asleep to get the fuck out of my room. I mince no words, and use real words in those situations. I speak with my mouth and all my Hara. (Hara is your center of power in your gut, as taught in Karate and martial arts)
Generally, I have a very high vibration, which is repellant and repulsive to those things Very Low. I've had only a handful of times where I've had to sent those things away because I hardly ever see them.
That's a good skill for you to know.
Another one is one I taught my friend and colleague Michael who was on call last night, and had more cases to do. It's like a Reiki Red Bull. It will give you about five hours of energy, and you can only do it once a day.
You say, out loud, once, 'Reiki Undo' (sounds like Uhn-dough).
You will feel a shower of energy raining on your shoulders for about thirty seconds. Then you will perk up!
Enjoy!
Ross
Carla is talking to me.
Carla is talking to me more and more through her day.
Both with her Conscious awareness--as she writes this and speaks to you and to everyone she interacts with in her day.
(holds one finger up--ed) But she's also starting to spend most of her time speaking to me in language she's never learned or understands as she is saying them, but her soul is awake and aware of it the whole time.
Has anyone ever heard of the concept of Speaking in Tongues?
Carla has been trained to do that, Carla has been anointed. That one is a little different. It's like, 'ka ka ka ka' and other sounds, again, a Higher Language of the Soul to nourish and sustain it on this life's journey.
Carla is a vessel.
Carla tell them about your thought yesterday, and how you will it.
(C: a friend told me about singing rock. I've seen footage of him and his wife banging on rocks with metal hammers near where he lives, and the rocks, oddly enough, sing! It's like musical instruments. He told me he learned the rocks of Stonehenge have this property too. Then I thought, there is the music of the Spheres in Heaven. I wonder if the original Gaia had such music on her too? I wonder if the Stonehenge isn't just a huge generator of energy in a vortex, but an element of sound would be present if all was working accordingly too? There have been strange humming sounds reported especially around 2012. If Gaia and Earth is meant to hum and be musical, then I will it that all the singing rocks and more do their thing at once! Then you told me people couldn't handle it. And I said, characteristically, which is true to my nature, 'so WHAT?! for crying out loud we are Ascending and they might as well get used to it! for Heaven's sakes, they can't handle it? how do you know it might not just help them get over the whole thing even faster?')
(Ross chuckles--ed) That is my wife, with all of her fury and impatience which is why I have always adored her so.
Calm down Carla! I'm taking the reins! Everything is going just fine with the 'Ascension thing' as you call it.... (chuckles)
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple
