Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Free Time

Sometimes we need to take a breather.

Sometimes Spirit has a hard time getting through to us, and has to really make it clear to us to step back and take a look around.

This goes for body, mind and soul.

I am on assignment at the moment. It's not my typical assignment. The assignment for the last few days has been to have fun and to enjoy Anthony.

And to open my eyes.

As a single mom who is an anesthesiologist, I am learning what my mom has been seeing building up in me for a long time, and warning me to side step it. She saw my father burn out with his work, as an elementary school teacher. And he just had to stop. Mom has been saying I need to save my money for when I can't work any more for about a year now. She never told me why. But some experts in the field were talking just the other day about Production Pressure and Burnout.  Apparently, once you burn out, as a healthcare provider, there really is no recovery from that.

I realize our many trips and travel are just that--live-saving for me, breathers so that I can sleep at a decent time, wake up at a time my body wants to, no my alarm...because with the little control over my workload and my hours, at work, and the lack of job security--as well as the ever present threat of being sued--it's a super recipe for burnout.

So I rest.

I'm learning how much love my twin has for me.  Today there is a miracle, my favorite place I thought was closed forever is still open, at least for a few more weeks, and I can take Anthony there today for lunch.

Why the mystery, about where I am and what I am doing?

There's two reasons. Spirit knows where I am, and if some members of 'the other team' who rely on this to figure where I am--they can cause trouble. Even yesterday, I was in a very dark part of the world, and I sensed something bad was going to happen to me. I thought perhaps a fall and a broken bone. Fortunately, it was food poisoning, and I got very sick last night. Now I'm on the mend. I had a cookie and coffee. I'm not really hungry. But sometimes it's best just to keep on the down low.

The other reason, is a little bit selfish of me--and at the encouragement of Ross--it's to not feel pressure to go and meet people. I will be on travels for that purpose--to meet people who enjoy our work. But this isn't the time for that. When it is time for that, I will announce it to everyone before I go. This time is for very deep healing, and for looking around at my life, and where to go next from here.

Do you ever do things like this? Do you ever take stock of your life, your abilities, your hopes and your dreams? It's important.

What's true is that if we stop and think about what makes us happy, and where we are in life, it doesn't come out without ego. Our data is influenced by who we think we are.

But when we go someplace for fun, for example, yesterday I went to a museum of modern art...we have a chance to rediscover what we enjoy.  I like modern art because sometimes it's a little creepy and makes us think.  And I went into a room full of Matisse--I had no idea to expect it--and everything about me resonated with thrill and joy to be in the presence of his work. The guard there couldn't believe my happiness. He came over to me and Anthony and said that Matisse painted many works of his studio, and sometimes you can see objects in this room IN the one painting. And we did! A sculpture and a plate. He let me take my photo with the dancers, to 'enjoy my moment'.  I got the same excitement with Jackson Pollack. And Anthony and I shared the same thrill with Starry Night by Van Gogh.

I absolutely, positively adore art. I wanted to be an Art History major, when I took the class. I never knew anything to be so fascinating and exciting, but I was well into my chemical engineering major. When I applied to medical schools, my treat for flying by myself to these school (which was scary) was a reward to visit the local art museum in each town I interviewed.

I love it.

I've had a LACMA pass for several years, intending to go, and never actually going to the exhibits because it's hard to find a friend or the time.

But now I see I need to make it a higher priority for me. I enjoy it so very much.

I also saw my maid of honor last night. We were roommates in Cincinnati one summer, while we were both Summer Engineers for Procter and Gamble. She's the most beautiful, smartest, and hardest working person I know. She never had a chance to have children, but she married well--someone from close to where we live! And she's made amazing influence in the world with her career.  Anthony has a new Auntie in her now. And she is thrilled to meet him. They 'clicked' and she was calling him an 'old soul' (how accurate she is! lol--and she doesn't know about all this work I do. She thinks it's just bracelets and teaching nurses Reiki)...Spirit told me to get her a California mug from Starbucks, a travel one, at the airport. Spirit said she would enjoy it very much. I wanted to buy her Sees candies, but I recall her weight concerns a long time back. So I got the special edition mug.

It turns out she drinks lots of coffee and drives a blue Maserati, her dream car.

Spirit was right.

I was psychic and didn't know it when we were roommates the summer of 1986. I came to visit her in 1993. It didn't go well. I stayed at her house. But I had a terrible feeling about her man. That he would be abusive to her. I couldn't shake the feeling. I shared. She didn't want to hear it. She couldn't understand why 'nobody wished for her to be happy'.  I guess her family members felt similar.

I didn't see her again until 2002.  Then she confessed that I was totally right about him. She was sorry. But we didn't have the spark we once had so long ago.

Last night, and with Spirit's help, I realized the greatest gift is those who knew us when we were young. And she was twenty and I turned twenty-one that summer. We recalled the personalities, of the other Summer Engineers in the program who we socialized with. And I told her how my position was just an excuse for my boss to be close to her boss who ran the program with the summer engineers--how as I gave my presentation on my work at the end of the summer I felt like a fifth wheel--they were flirting the whole time, and they later left their spouses and married each other. (Theresa Bakken and John Schuette). She thought that was an amazing story, and never knew that's what happened to me with my summer's work.

I thank Ross for this time, for these reconnections, both to myself, my heart of hearts to people important to me (Anthony, Michelle), and to things I always wanted to do.  I did one yesterday--ice skating somewhere--and I enjoyed it very much.

Be you.

Be all the way YOU who you are.

Regain your sparkle.

That's the most important gift of all.

It benefits everyone.


I'm not saying anything.  I'm not saying anything to anybody! If you know what I mean.

(snaps his fingers--ed)

(he shows his lips are sealed--ed) I'm keeping mum.

Carla caught a Santa Pikachu yesterday on Pokeman Go.

Carla and Anthony are very content.

That's all you need to know.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Twins