Ross wants me to write.
I haven't written for a long time.
I have been sick the last few days. But also, I am adapting to a new awareness of myself and my life situation, and coming to accept it.
My trip to New York was wonderful, both professionally and personally.
I don't know where to begin.
When I study, I like to learn things from the end to the beginning. I start in the back of the book.
So I'll do that now.
Ross just had me spend a few moments in the garden, enjoying a mug of hot chocolate. It's not the hot chocolate I make for myself and Anthony. It's the high sugar kind I used to make for us, until he got sick with his blood sugar being high. I haven't any milk in the house( it went bad while we were away and I had to throw it out). I just added boiling water, and took the mug downstairs.
My garden makes me very content. There is one row of potatoes for some reason Spirit wanted me to plant. Then there are two rows of fava beans, which I hope by next March will have beans for us to pick. Throughout are the garlic plants in their own rows a reader sent me from the midwest. I am glad to see them grow.
In the other little plot of land I have arugula, lemon balm, fennel, and mint. I was able to pick some for the rabbit, and also a little for me. Earlier today I had 'soup' with hot water poured into a mug with some chicken boullion, and chopped up arugula and fresh rosemary from the garden.
I missed two parties because I was sick. One was the O.R. Christmas party. The other was my sister's party for the family to honor both my niece (kidney transplant anniversary) and my mom (birthday).
Why am I sick?
I see it clearly now. It's the fear. I was flying home, and pushed into a trust Spirit and see what happens situation. I knew I would get home. But I had to engage by text with my boss and a colleague for the contingency if I didn't. It was that familiar panic because of my work, the lady coughing next to me, and most likely, the dog someone brought on the plane who 'has been flying eleven years'.
I can't be in a closed room with a dog. And cats are the absolute worst. My eyes swell shut and I get welts. They won't serve peanuts on a plane because of the allergies, but they let the animals on board like they are people.
It's the first thing I ask when I am invited to a home--'do you have a cat?'. If yes, then I can't go. It's as simple as that. With dogs, it's a little easier, but if a family has had them inside for a long time, I can't go in for very long.
I get sick for days after exposure to a cat, or a high-allergy situation with a dog. Is that why I'm sick?
I don't know.
Did I want to go to work on Friday? Not really. I would have liked to have just skipped the whole day. I had a super runny nose, I was sneezing. I asked the per diem scrub tech, 'can you call in sick to your work?' Of course yes!
I have to work.
No anesthesia, no surgery, no money, and a lot of people angry and upset.
Only if I am in the emergency room myself can I not show up, and only then, once in my career. I have to be 'affable, able, and available' to keep my employment. It's the rules in private practice.
On Friday I asked ELEVEN PEOPLE if they would trade call with me, so I could go home. ELEVEN PEOPLE said NO. They wanted to take their kid to see Star Wars. They wanted to show their kids the Christmas Lights. They just said no without any reason why. They had been staying late all week, and even through they saw I was sick--they said, 'I've started your case for you you can just stay and finish it'. It was only thirty minutes and they stuck me for it.
I had a super 'AHA!' moment from these four or five inputs during this trip:
- Mom explained to me dad retired because he burned out--she sees the warning signs in me.
- The lecture explained how lack of control over one's work situation and production pressure really increase risk of burnout. And how once burnout strikes, you can't recover from it.
- My old roommate from Cincinnati, who was my maid of honor, and I met. She's wonderful. But I realized the lie I've been telling myself all these years about my work. They yell at me. I don't get breaks to eat. I have no idea when I go home but they want me right on time every day. I pay all my own everything--insurance-wise. She works hard too, but there's a little flexibility for her, she can come in a little later after a long day. A plastic surgeon was really sad on Friday. He can't go to Mammoth on Monday, even though it's booked. A patient wanted a big cosmetic thing, and isn't available any other day, and wanted it before Christmas. He's in business for himself, he had to stay and do the surgery. But he can leave on Wednesday for his vacation with his family.
- Both before Hawaii and New York, I pulled all nighters. A full one before Hawaii--to pack--and two of them before New York. Somehow the scheduler made it so I was to work on the day I asked to be off so I could leave, and I had to scramble to find coverage.
- While I was on my 'Fun Day' with Anthony, we went to the Empire State Building, Papaya Dog, Little Italy pizza, and Grand Central Station. While I was at Grand Central Station I was happy and exploring and felt like a little kid. I haven't had that kind of freedom to just be myself in a long time! I had felt the same way at MOMA, in the Matisse room, and shared it with you earlier.
What was my trip to New York? It was more than a conference. I had to go in without my usual protective crystals. It's a very dark town--in the things behind the scenes from 'the builders'--but the people are phenomenal and have open hearts. They don't have any clue about the hidden occult symbolism that's easy for me to pick out, the clues the 'builders' like to put into everything. My energies were able to connect. It was important for me to have free time with Anthony. To go to the Carnegie Deli, to Central Park, to go on a bus tour of Harlem. To SEE with my own eyes, to feel what's up. I laughed inwardly at the wax museum, because so many of the figures there are in fact from Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest At Heart. People have no clue, no concept of the lies. I was like, 'reptilian, pedophile, full incarnation of an archon...' just able to see how the figures are arranged in the room who the real power players were.
When it was time for me to leave, my heart ached. It literally ached because I love all of these wonderful random everyday people who live and work in New York. I didn't want to go.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me, in a Spirit sense. My teams have been very quiet.
Except for one very cool thing--on the flight home, from Atlanta, Ashtar was with Ross. Ashtar gave me a gift. It's a special camera. They both know I adore taking pictures. I asked Ashtar if I have to be a special brain to use it? He said no. It was blue, about the size of my hand, and had a little strap for my wrist like ours do.
But it can take pictures anywhere in time. And you don't have to worry about the chip in it--it can't get full. It's always sending them to the cloud. And you can retrieve them any time. This is a spirit gift--I don't have it here in 3D. But I'm still excited about it.
When I came home, my crystals were like medicine to me. A vivianite ring. A meteorite one (don't get those wet they rust!) and a garnet/marcasite one. I also opened my thumbnails I'd ordered, little tiny specimens. Vanadanite, hornblende, galena, zincite...they helped too.
Here are my goals:
- to sleep in my own bed every night
- to get up at a decent hour, and also go to sleep every night at a regular bedtime--not these short or long days like I have now.
- to exercise and be able to see the doctor and take care of my needs. (I once went two years without time to see the dentist)
- to do what I love--healing and patient care--in smaller doses so I don't suffer in my work-life balance
- to keep my ears open to spirit, for guidance on how to reach these goals.
By the way--at Macy's on sale there were 'genuine stone' bracelets by Esquire--sodalite, onyx, tiger eye, or azurite with sterling silver--for the men, regularly four hundred dollars on sale for one hundred nineteen. Or Anne Klein natural stone inspirational gift sets, with Jasper for nurturing-prosperity, sunstone for leadership-energy, or Jade for love-loyalty--for one hundred twenty-five dollars for the watch plus the bracelet (made with gold-color metal, not silver).
My work isn't for sale. It's only now for giveaways or for gifts. But the price I had set for myself was actually low, when you look at the quality of the spiritual work that goes into it, as well as the designer quality of the stones which are definitely NOT in the things on sale at Macy's. Most of you who ordered--and I thank you--I always sent either another bracelet or a sun catcher or something creative to go with it--are smart shoppers and got excellent deals. Just so you know. <3
Ross wants to write. I will let him.
Carla is overwhelmed.
I came to her while she was going to sleep last night at seven p.m. , her congested head in a world of pain, and she smiled weakly.
She was like, 'wow, Ross, is that you?'
I didn't know what to say to that. For both of us know I am always with her, and she, in her own way, whether she knows it consciously or not, is always with me.
There is a part of Carla that really likes to be nurtured when she is sick. And it's poignant because when her boy is with his father, Carla is totally alone in the third dimension, and must take care of herself.
Carla doesn't have friendships like she once had when she was in medical school. There were people she could call, in a bind, and ask to bring her ginger ale and gatorade when she was throwing up.
As you can see by the result of her asking people to work for her, and their saying no, that work has taken it's toll on Carla's social support system.
Carla has no idea who is going to watch Anthony tomorrow. There is no school. She had thought her mother, but there is an extra long drive and she is sick, her mother might catch it. Then on Tuesday to Thursday, Anthony is with his dad, who selfishly 'volunteered' to watch him and keep him overnight to his convenience. This is totally out of the usually visitation schedule. But he 'insists'.
The holidays for Carla are just that--days to endure--just like the rest of her life has been since she began work at her hospital. Before, Carla worked part time, and had more to enjoy, to look forward to, in her time free. Unfortunately there is no guarantee of work in private practice, and part-time filling in work is not sustainable option.
Sometimes, and Carla is well aware of this--we have to reach a breaking point before things can improve. This is both for individuals as well as for society.
Would Carla have liked to have been embraced as my wife and the mother of my children by the world at large?
It is possible.
But then again (raises one finger up)--as my Twin, there is a devilish delight in her freedom of being in a place like Grand Central Station in New York, with not one soul knowing her for who she really is--my Twin.
So Carla, wise as she is, the ever wise Gaia Sophia--leaves it to chance, to fate, to the Higher Plan For Everything which is for the Highest Good, and ENJOYS what IS...
Even if it's lying under the covers and letting the dishes pile up for two days.
Sometimes that's what it takes.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
Here is our Reading List for those of you who want something 'more' (and some of it is watching~)
- this just caught my attention because my sister took my mom to Chateau Marmont--and guess who was there that they saw? Yup. https://youtu.be/xvxvAQkydds. I've never been there, nor do I care to go.