Deconstructing The Veil
Today I saw Ross the clearest I have ever seen him. I had to walk through a white tunnel to get to where he is. I said to him how I miss him, how I enjoy being with him. And how when he died, I didn't get the chance to talk to him--until I met him again in December 2013--and wasn't it a SHAME for all those lost years?
This moved him deeply. My behavior as of late has not been the best. I own up to it. But when I shared my feelings, Ross took note and immediately communicated it to his teams.
He told me what to eat for breakfast. I just ate it. I was on call last night, and I am catching up on my sleep...
Moments of Clarity
About three weeks ago, I realized that Jared, Anthony's father--is just as psychic as me, although he doesn't use it or take the opportunity to develop his gift. That was the attraction between us--our being able to talk about this gift in a safe way.
Jared used to have LOTS of dreams/memories, of 'fighting in a space war' and 'protecting me and Anthony'.
The connection was that although there is a lot of crap behavior and narcissistic interactions from that man, that 'layer of crap' is the illusion...and the warrior soul underneath is what's real.
That's why he was sent to me.
Because EVERYONE here on Earth is in some way our teacher, even our students, and the same is true for me.
The second 'clarity' was that I saw a father with a beard who was tall and big and obviously of Scottish heritage. He was with his son, and very tender. And I realized the unconscious decision to be with Jared was that Greg--the husband of my friend since medical school, Genevieve--was really nice, quiet, and always dressed up like a Scot with the guild at the Renaissance Faires which we used to attend. (Genevieve was a centauress, and I was a princess. I made my own costume.) 'Scots are SAFE' and also dependable!
I was like, 'THAT makes sense!'
The Bottom Of The Barrel
In my sum total experience of life lessons, we are at the bottom of my soul and spirit is scraping hard to detach all of the layers of deep unhappiness in my last experience with incarnation (here, now, as Carla).
My mother was a lot nicer to everyone else than she was to me. She still is, although to me she has grown a lot nicer.
At twenty-three I don't think she really wanted to get pregnant, nor my father, but all three of us we 'made the best of it'.
I felt close to her initially, but 'close' wasn't exactly what most people consider 'close'--yes, she DID take days off from work because I couldn't bear to be separated from her, and I got sick a lot.
Her life was her main focus--not even my dad, but her own life experience--her hopes, her dreams, her troubles.
I was mostly 'around'.
Mom didn't 'make the choice to be a mother' until she got pregnant a second time. And in her heart, THIS child was the be-all, end-all...from day one. And EVERY interaction with me reflected this.
I was second best. She even let the baby push me out of her lap, when Christi was one--and I never asked to sit in mom's lap again. Ever! I knew where I stood for her to allow it, and never even offer me a 'turn' 'later'...
So I put my faith in dad, and stopped opening my heart to her.
The mother-daughter relationship being what it is, this is a means of a survival but no way to grow up 'healthy'.
And after witnessing the Christi-mom 'love-hate' relationship that was very volatile, I developed a distrust of 'all things estrogen'. This only amplified when my body grew into that of a woman. My own body was betraying me! I was now officially one of 'them'.
Although I enjoyed being feminine, and sexuality was a delight--my walls went up THICK and FAST around any 'sorority' vibe. They always have, as a result of habit. I don't like it. This energy is one of bitches, unwritten rules I can't navigate, and constant drama.
My engineer friends, my asian friends, and my one lab partner at work Donna Tavares--were 'cool'. So was my best friend Jackie, and all the kids on the block growing up. But even mom took away Jackie when I was twelve, and forbid me to associate with her ever again.
Jackie sassed my mom. All the time. Because deep down although mom was nice to everybody, she sensed that somehow, mom was not exactly nice--and sometimes just plain mean--to me. That's why mom made her go. Jackie was a 'bad influence' on me.
Years later, at a new school and I was fifteen--I came home from a Campus Life event very sad. Mom noticed. She said, like an armchair psychiatrist--'you don't have a friend in the world, do you?' and I broke down! I put my head in her lap and I sobbed. She said, 'there there now it's going to get better'.
She broke me. And I never thought of myself as someone worthy of 'friendship' again. I kept all of my true feelings to myself. Only twenty-five years later did I meet my very first woman friend I could trust with my innermost feelings, and that was Donna. Even when I went to tell my boss three years later I was quitting to go to medical school--she was walking past the office just to see the look on my boss' face! She was an amazing friend.
I think this was because her mother was cruel to her. A Brit here in the states, her mother decided to cut Donna out of the family at a young age. She put all of Donna's belongings on the lawn, changed the locks, and never gave an explanation. (It was awkward when the grandkids came into the picture). When Donna went to her mother's house with the baby, she saw that her face had been cut out from all of the family photos and replaced with generic faces she didn't know.
A Grandmother's Love
Nana and I had a true heart connection. We loved to share things like cooking, and gossiping about the royal family...I always FELT her love in my heart, and I never had to guess.
When nana got sick, I used to visit. I drove three hours to the facility at the desert where my uncle had her, and later, the new place closer to my sister's home.
As a physician, I was learning about geriatrics every time I saw how the staff interacted with the residents. And every time I would push nana in her wheelchair for a tour, or just stay with her while she slept.
Once the loss became 'real' to me--I couldn't take it. One day, I just started crying while she slept. She woke up. She asked what was wrong? I said 'what happened to us nana? how can this be? I don't like what is happening at all! I want it the way it was when I was little, and you were healthy!'...
She smiled, and with perfect clarity and love, she said, 'We do the best we can.' and she gestured to hug me.
She also said she would 'never ever' make me cry, and wanted me to stop my tears.
This is a woman who faded in and out of consciousness and spoke Italian just as much as English.
It was a gift.
But I had to internalize it. I had to GO. And GO I did--Hawaii, France, Vancouver. I had to enjoy life! To LIVE...all the while wishing in my heart I could have had the time in my work to care for nana just as lovingly as she had cared for me when she used to watch me for my mom.
The only source of motherly love I have ever consistently had--was going to die and there was NOTHING I could do about it!
Then she got worse.
Every minute I could, I was at her side. A short day at work? No problem. I would go and see nana. A two hour gap in my lineup? No problem. I would go and see nana. I was on OB call the day she passed--but a colleague Esther covered for me for twelve hours--so I could be with nana when she died.
Have I seen her since? From 'the Other Side'? Once. Just one time, and I started bawling tears of joy! She was with my grandfather. I don't take loss very well at all.
An arthritic young woman came to lecture us our first semester in medical school. She shared her story--and showed us her rings she wore--'middle rings'--of silver to keep her fingers straight instead of curling up.
Beautiful--gorgeous lady--who said, 'I deal with an amount of pain every day as NORMAL that would make you all cry if you had to feel it.'
I was like, 'WHOA!'
And I say now to you, I deal with a loneliness that is incapacitating--through every day of my existence--and it doesn't go away.
I wanted a kitten.
Both of them ran away.
I wanted a sister. My parents gave me a dog. It took weeks for me to figure that one out.
I wanted a sister! Someone LIKE ME! And my sister came, but my life was hell on earth the minute she arrived, and it never got better in the loneliness part. (My sister was innocent of the hell on earth, but mom really was lopsided and still favors my sister to this day.)
My vibration is very high. Extremely high. I thought it was the Karuna Reiki but actually I almost made someone who is sensitive to such things get knocked over by the sudden experience of my energy when I opened the door. He said I could light up the city of Los Angeles with my Light! (I demurred, 'I'm glad you noticed! I've been working on it.' LOL.)
This is a kind of loneliness from which there is no escape. And all the meditations in the world, all the 'connections'--even to Ross--lack the SUBSTANCE to let me know this is REAL, I can COUNT ON IT, and IT'S NOT GOING AWAY.
Today I refused to get out of bed. Again.
I was given a bracelet design called, 'Heaven'. It had angelite, mother of pearl, pearl, larimar, moonstone, and malachite.
I think it's ugly.
But it's medicine for me. And I have it on my right wrist, hoping it will help me 'jump' like Creator says.
Jumping Through Hoops
I ask you to read these two links:
With the last one I saw RED.
- you are there as a representative facet of the being who sat, and continues to sit, in conference with a council of guides, teachers, masters, and soul family who determined, and continue to determine, the why and how of your present incarnation
I am an AVATAR! I am some galactic 'Super Mario' who is going to slog through emotions and experiences for the 'amusement?' or 'advancement?' of the BIGGER version of whatever they say is 'me' that is not.
I remember once my Higher Self smiling and saying, 'You are my BEST PART!'
Although she may have meant it, down here it could have been said by Bette Davis in All About Eve with a whole different 'meaning'--if you get my drift.
So here I am--the 'rest' of me--on some 'council' 24/7, with the 'me' I know as me going up there when I sleep...
- You are continually guided, counseled, and taught by whomever has the guidance and information that you need. That is one of the reasons that you need sleep, you know. And that is why you are so frequently told you should spend time in nature, meditate, etc
And I have a 'purpose'...
- You have a purpose for being where you are. You do not, most of you, remember what that is.
I have a PURPOSE???
SO DOES A SPOON!!!
For God's sakes, why are we here????
Is this like the Maze Runner? It this some giant psychological 'strengthening exercise' for the soul?
Who on earth would like to play THAT?
Who would sign up for it?
When does it end? Do we level up, like Super Mario? When we are finished being 'useful' with our 'purpose' are we thrown out?
And get this!
- There is nothing that you can contribute to the world more helpful than the keeping of yourself in a higher vibration. That means, oddly enough, that it is very helpful for you to be happy. And happy is something you can be if you decide to be. It is a thing that you can do. Do that.
Well beloved Council, I offer you this! http://www.hulu.com/watch/30915
Because here on Earth, even though it takes the Law Of Attraction and the Vibration to 'make things go' in A Galactic Sense, I'm NOT going to give a FAKE SMILE.
There is NO FAKE HAPPINESS on Doctors With Reiki.
That is worse than GMO.
FAKE HAPPINESS will trap you in a psychological pattern just like Marge told Lisa to 'stuff her feelings down below her knees so low she could almost walk on them'...
The going over the emotions--with Ascension or whatever our 'Purpose' is--in real time as they happen--is what sets this work apart from all of the other contributions by Lightworkers all over the planet.
Many say things that are positive, and uplifting. But when you are not 'in that space' yourself while you are reading the 'uplifting messages'--it's difficult because you feel like you are in a way 'not measuring up'.
At Doctors With Reiki, we say, just like Marge--'Be who you ARE! When you don't feel like being happy, we will smile for you and go ahead and feel sad until you don't feel like being sad any more.'
I have been in the Kubler-Ross stages of grief over the anticipated loss of someone who is going home. If you read between the lines, of what I have written, you will understand the loneliness I face with this loss. Plus the lack of ability to control.
I see the Galactics as a very one-sided relationship. It is imbalanced. And everything happens on 'God's time', not my own.
I have rebelled. I haven't wanted to speak to anyone on my team for about a week now. I push people--here and up there--away--to allow myself the healing I so need .
You see, the only thing that works in behavior modification with humans is to 'take it away'.
And death (or Assumption--going with body UP to Heaven) is the ultimate and final form of 'taking it away'...it is terrifying to have the closest thing to Home get taken from you. Again and again and again.
The Universe is so BLATANT in wanting me to 'get with the party line' that THIS happened to me yesterday morning, while I was setting up for my first neurosurgery case: the circulating nurse had her mother die less than twelve hours before her starting this shift! The mom had end-stage lung cancer, had been unresponsive when they got home, and hadn't peed (there was a foley) for three days. They thought she was just anemic, and took her to the ER. Well, she died.
And this nurse--a very highly-evolved soul--was just showing up at work as if nothing had happened.
I saw her at the end of her shift, and gently asked, in private, 'are you okay?'
She was tired but otherwise well, and was not going to take any time off--she was planning to go to work like normal.
Was she heartless?
She is EVOLVED. And the highly evolved soul looks at Earth like a bus, and no matter how much you enjoy the person who is sitting near you on the bus, when it's time to get off the bus, everyone has their time and place to go where they have to go.
This is what the Universe's message is sending to me--Grow Up, Accept, THINK like a Galactic!
Last night, I thought about it. How many ways 'out' are there from this Illusion?
- through physical death
- through the heart (with a HUGE HUGE HUGE 'mind adjustment')
So for my second option, if I tell myself, 'Being Incarnate is GREAT! I want to be the BEST Super Mario there ever has been! I want to score lots of points for my player as Her 'Avatar' and jump through LOTS of hoops again and again and again'--perhaps I will get to the end of the game, and BE out of the Illusion?
WHY did the Council send such a blunt message?
Because I was so ANGRY yesterday morning I was throwing cream pies in the faces of all my teams and also Divine Father (he got lemon, Ross got Vanilla)! Although I used the very best of ingredients, I wanted them to know how much I hate this game, how very stupid it is, and how I don't like anything about it.
It's the not knowing that is getting to me the worst. I feel like a plaything. And like I am too stupid to understand the real truth.
If you pick up the tone in the message from the Council--I got to them. They are just as frustrated and annoyed with me, as I am with them, which is saying a lot because Galactics don't have much of an emotional body like we humans do.
And finally--check this out--I just saw it when I was looking for the other link. It's fresh today:
To this I say, 'never again! never again! never again!'
The other day my phone downloaded over eight thousand images to my computer. And I saw my life literally flashing by, with images of nana alive mixed in with her dying ones, with Anthony as a baby as well as now as tall as me...and as I watched, I noticed I didn't feel any of the emotions that went with the pictures...
And I thought, 'This is what is must be like for them--just a bunch of images and experiences--all mixed up together because time goes in spirals!'
Just for the record--my purpose is to speak my truth. Only mine. Not for anyone else's.
My purpose is to expose the lies--and the deception--of the Veil--as perceived by someone who walks on both sides of it...and to encourage YOU to find YOUR TRUTH!
The VEIL does a number on us. It makes it so we can't enjoy life here. It makes it so 'taking it away' always makes us 'behave'. It makes us doubt who we are--have I been willing to co-create ANYTHING since my friend is due to be 'taken away'?
I don't want to screw anything up. I don't even want to try. I want to just rock in a corner in the fetal position, and count my days until I get to go home--by option one or two, whichever comes first.
Where Is Ross In All Of This?
He is far. Far far far away.
He can't do this for me. I can only do this for myself.
Last night my team did the thing where they send the energies to make my thinking fuzzy and to make me less angry.
I get 'zapped' like that a lot.
There's a big blast of it going on right now, I fight it.
It feels like warm sunshine flowing in through your crown chakra. But it won't get too hot and it won't sunburn you. It feels like everything you ever wanted or needed. And you just want to surrender to it, and soak it up.
You remember it.
You ache for it.
And me? I still fight it.
I don't want one quart or one gallon.
I want to have an ocean of it.
It is my HOME and my BIRTHRIGHT to exist in that 'soup'...
Gaia loves all her people very much. She loves them dearly.
But Gaia is not happy with Her situation at the moment.
Even though She is the first to Ascend with all her inhabitants--together--the first in all the Universe---Gaia is having second thoughts. She promises herself, the next time, to go back to the 'tried and true', like She did at the end of the cycle with all the Dinosaurs.
This has nothing to do with government. Or Her people.
It has everything to do with Her ability to do What She Needs To Do--WHEN She Needs To Do It.
She feels held back, and tied down.
Gaia does not like the feeling. She has never had to Wait.
Gaia wants to be Healed. And to Grow. She feels 'stunted'...Gaia is very sensitive to the energies.
She accepts the expertise of her Teams.
Gaia wants to be Heard. Although She doesn't feel like anyone is listening, She wants to Share from Her Soul what is 'going on' with Her.
That's all she can do.
This is for all the men. (gestures to everything written above this--ed) Can you read that?!
I am not joking. Can you read ANY of it and have it make sense?
And to the women (shows a picture of women nodding their heads yes and yes with every line--ed)
HOW do you understand it?
THAT is the mystery of the human heart.
For in Divine Balance, there is a masculine and a feminine in our hearts.
Remember when I was talking to you about the hearts (gestures with his fist to his chest--ed) the other day?
Carla is meeting it HEAD ON. Carla is exploring the depth of her resistance to us, and exploring why, and even though it does not make much sense, Carla is exploring her feelings which are in essence, her Divine Road Map on the way OUT and Back To ME.
Carla saw me the clearest she ever has, just before she wrote this, while she was meditating.
And you know what is the first thing she did?
Carla gave me a kiss!
Carla looked at me, and within a nanosecond of realizing who I was and where she was, Carla took my cheeks and planted one on me, right square on my lips!
For all of her anger dissolved in my presence. And what remained was an exhausted, bereft soul in need of some loving support.
Carla was in the corner between 'rounds' of her match, in which Carla is fighting with her 'shadow' self--'shadow boxing' if you will--and trying to sort out what is what, and who she IS in her heart.
And yes, Carla, you ARE truly the 'best part' of your Higher Self--and I am not kidding.
You are scrappy, and astute.
I know you heard her laugh warmly with the thought you had this morning, 'I wonder what it IS they really DO up there (on the Council)?'...
One day you will come Home to me. To My Heart. And you will remain at my side for as long as you wish.
Carla? I am not going anywhere. And we will have the conversations--make up for lost time!--from when we were on our honeymoon together thousands of years ago, where you were filled with togetherness.
I won't go away.
Carla I am not going anywhere.
Now get to work.
(opens arms wide and looks at the crowd from side to side--ed) And if you think this is only for Carla--it is for YOU.
Your heart (gestures closed fist by his chest, tapping it--ed) is going to carry YOU Home to the Higher Realms, to where you are fulfilled in every way--from your stomach to your pocketbook to your romantic dreams...
(taps on this paper, as if this is a tablet or papyrus--this blog--ed)
Now get to work!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla