Recently it's been our anniversary. I forget the exact day, but I know it's around this time of year. It's been six years that Ross and I have been together across the veil.
Last blog post, I was dangling from the end of my rope. What Ross said encouraged me to look around. I realized something very important from that vantage point I never would have understood in any other way, but that. I let go of the rope and into the waiting arms of Ross. I needed to realize we are a couple in every way. To look forward to life as 'our life', not 'my life', and to make decisions as a couple. For everything. To share with him my heart, my hopes and dreams...it was a total paradigm shift.
How do we celebrate an anniversary through the veil?
We talk. Ross spoke with me and wished me a happy anniversary and reassured me of his love. I didn't buy it but he sent me an image of a ring (I spend my spare time looking at vintage stuff on eBay)--that was just like the one my mother had promised me but was stolen by a neighbor I had showed it to. The neighbor across the street from mom used to be friends, and when mom had her kidney transplant we were cleaning the house for her. And I showed it and said how it was meant for me, I would inherit it. I know the name, I know where she lives, I know her husband is an ex-cop/detective, I know she would know how to deny it, and I know I will never see that ring again. But Ross showed me the ring! It wasn't ruby. It was pink. But I understand it's a Snell ring, the cut is like a lighthouse lens, and it was a big deal in the sixties. I understand it's probably not a ruby, ruby, but a simulated one now. And there's a little gem shop not far from our house that sells that Snell cut too in silver rings, earrings, and pendants. And also gold-plated metal settings. The one at the shop was the same exact setting as on eBay. So I waited.
Our anniversary dinner was last night. Anthony and I went to a restaurant we like near the water. I was going to get a crab louie salad. Ross suggested I get the seared ahi burger instead. It was a wonderful suggestion. I got my choice of soup or salad to go with it. I took the clam chowder. It was the best one I've ever tasted. And I enjoy chowder! The there was the ahi burger and fries. Ross suggested I get a drink, I chose a mai tai. I miss Hawaii. The Mai Tai tasted like the rum was a spiced one, I prefer regular like on the island, but I suppose in its time everything has a 'pumpkin spice' season too, even the Mai Tai.
I'm starting to see things from a new perspective. Ross wouldn't want me being treated poorly in my work. And this has been going on for a very long time, the maltreatment.
He gave me a beautiful gift. There was a cancellation and I had a two hour (It stretched to three) gap. On my first call! There was an accident on the way to the hotel to check in early. So I took the road home, picked up Anthony who was sick all week, and brought him to the hotel myself. I was my own Uber! It was daring. I didn't tell a soul. And it could have backfired on me. Big time. Seeing my own house in the middle of the day, only for a few moments, meant so much. Anthony was thankful to be closer to me and my work, too. I ended up working twelve hours straight. And I told him, I would rather go without food and see you, it's totally worth it. Luckily there was delay, and I was able to eat too.
Towards the end of the call, my surgeon wasn't available. It was a ten thirty p.m. case. So I succumbed to sleep in the doctor's lounge. I curled up on a loveseat, and even though my head wasn't comfortable (no pillow, I was on the arm of the chair), I still fell deeply asleep. The workers were kind, and turned off the lights and let me rest. I was woken up at midnight to do the case. It helped very much to close my eyes. And out of most people on call, I'm the one who gets the least sleep. My black cloud is very notorious. When I am in PACU, the nurses ask me if I am on call, every day. When I say no, they breathe a huge sigh of relief!! Even then, I'm only working two days a week. It pays the bills and is a blessing.
I'd like to take a moment to talk about my boss.
He is the right boss for me.
He never lets me wallow in my single motherhood. He expects the same out of me as out of anybody. It's been a struggle to meet the expectations due to the unpredictable nature of traffic and having a small kid for the last ten years. Now he's older, it's easier.
Even when he is angry and upset, there is a core of respect. I appreciate that. He could have humiliated me worse, he didn't, he added after I was in shock and pain that he has to talk to others in the group too. It's not just me. About other things...
Sometimes God uses people in our lives just like being at the end of the rope helped me to see.
And as I talk with Ross more, and sense the energies shifting, I sense just like how I couldn't stay under the wing of Anne Reith forever--much as I would have like to stay in that community and not grow--Spirit basically pushed me out of that nest because I needed to do more. And I have. With this, and now together with Ross we have done so very much more.
At my old job, I felt the energies shifting. It was scary when I moved out from the old. There was a while where I didn't know what I was going to do. Then I found the current job. It has been very good to us. And even working super part time is a blessing for me with Anthony as a freshman in high school. It gives me a chance to scale back, to appreciate life, and to move into this house. My new office furniture arrived. I will have a work bench for the beading. File cabinets too to organize my business. I feel the energies shifting now.
A prayer Tim Braun taught me, long long time ago, was to pray for what we desire by asking for 'this or something better'. Sometimes Spirit has a 'something better' that is even healthier for us.
A sales rep for a navigation device used in neurosurgery was astonished, and blurted out at the end of the case that I was 'the sweetest anesthesiologist she had ever met, anywhere!'. That I would ask her what her name is, and have conversation with her, blew her away. Anesthesiologists just don't do that.
Out of the blue the other day, I looked myself up on the internet. Just to see if my boss was right about me--if there was bad stuff up there to go along with the long steady draining of my confidence. There isn't. There was something so wonderful it totally made my year! My Google search on me.
It's nice, isn't it?
Medicine is changing...http://csahq.org/news/blog/detail/csa-online-first/2019/11/12/new-california-medical-association-survey-demonstrates-serious-consequences-of-california-surprise-billing-law. It's better not to get too comfortable in that. To remember the wisdom of the book Who Moved My Cheese. To go with the flow.
And as my mom shared, 'you just have to show up early, you can't show up late. You surgeons can but you can't. It's like me. I had to show up early. My boss would always be one hour late. Sometimes he would give an excuse that his wife couldn't get the kids ready for school and he'd have to drive them. Sometimes there would be no excuse. But he was ALWAYS late. ' She said just drop Anthony off earlier or have him find his own way to school. She said if your boss gets to work at eight you be there at seven thirty.
That's what I did on Friday. We have a late start. Anthony was sick. And I just left for work at the normal time. I was there before everyone. I was there at seven, not seven thirty. People noticed. It was a totally boring time, but I had everything ready and time for a cup of coffee. Mom says everything is perception.
I see all of this is preparing me emotionally and on a deep level, to be Mrs. Ross. Lots of talking to everyone simply, slowly, and with kindness...no matter what. Lots of obligation/duty/requirement that I can't question. And lots of being part of his life. Our life. Our life together.
So...I'll get to work on what's new, what's coming. And I'll be thankful for my friends. And for my boss. Everything happens for a reason. Everything works out for the best. I've got two extra days of work in December to help out friends. It will be nice to find a work where I can sleep in my own bed, and I don't need to pass out in a doctor's lounge on their love seat, or go at two in the morning to a hotel just so I don't have to sleep in my car because there's no designated, assigned place for the on-call anesthesiologist in the Main O.R. to sleep if the night is rough. Our policy is to ask the nurse house supervisor for a patient bed, but they can wake you up and kick you out any time they need a bed.
This or something better.
Anthony is waking up.
Today we are having pancakes and eggs for breakfast.
xoxoxox
Happy Anniversary Ross.
I love you with all that I am, and all I have ever been, and all I shall become...
Clap! Clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Family
