Allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, and spend some time in my company.
This was the advice Ross gave me during my last snooze for ten minutes.
Back home, in the Higher Realms, there is no need for 'defenses' of any kind. So when we are incarnate, energetically we need to break free from the bonds of being in a human body and living a human life. So let go. You are safe, you are vulnerable, and your guides can give you a little 'fresh air and love breeze' from Home.
You don't need to be one hundred percent on guard 24/7.
When you are sleeping all of that goes away, right?
But also, when you are meditating, just relax, just be, and Let Go.
This is important for you Spiritual mental health, as a soul, to exercise the part of you that lives forever.
My dreams last night were terrible. Really, really bad. The guns, the war, and even this time there was an overhead speaker and a series of tones telling people to go to these screened off areas using sort of a hypnosis so that they would get out of the way and be protected from one last fight.
I don't know why I have these dreams. I don't watch those types of movies. I don't read those books.
What did happen in my minutes of being vulnerable, is Archangel Michael came. Apparently I had picked up little energy things from the funeral since I am an empath. He combed them off of me.
I spent the last two days both working and attending the funeral services of Dr. Dao, my friend. On Saturday I finished my two cases, I went early to the funeral home. Vietnamese culture is very different. This one funeral home had five areas, very large, and very separate, for the viewings and ceremonies. There is a small auditorium type of space, and at the front there are memorials and the casket. It was open. In Buddhist tradition, you are given an incense by a family member, then you bow three times, in front of the photo with all the favorite foods and teas and flowers (even a cup of Starbucks!) in front. Then you go around to the back to see the body and pay your respects. Khiem had a red and yellow hat and breastplate on, the family said it was to help the soul find its way to Heaven. There was also a box with a recording of words I don't understand, in the top left hand corner, speaking in his ear. It doesn't stop.
Naturally, when I first saw this, I was overcome with grief. I cried. It was awkward because they film everything at the Vietnamese funeral. The cameras were clicking and video taping as I said my goodbyes. In my culture, we touch the body, and cry. We talk to the body. The next day when I guided Anthony, they said 'we ask that you please do not cry or touch the casket'.
Their culture is different. And that's okay.
I found that the Christians--two of his sisters were, and also some of his fellow physicians--cried.
I found that the Buddhists--were stoic.
It makes sense, doesn't it? Be yourself versus deny yourself traditions.
There was also food, and the sense you can just come and go when you can. Also different.
It took a lot of explaining to help my Jewish friend, and nurse, go through the steps. Although she understands the long ceremony because they sit shiva in a Jewish death/funeral, she was concerned over the swastika like symbol from Buddhism.
It's in the lower left hand corner. She had to walk by big ones on the flower arrangements, and she was nervous. Once we sat, she confided to me she also had trouble with the hooded robes the widow and children were wearing. She grew up in the south. They were white. Even though the faces showed, the pointy tops made her nervous because it reminded her of the group with the same letter three times. I reassured her.
The family of the deceased wears a white headband tied at the back. Kind of like a sushi chef wears. This is something Vietnamese, and not necessarily Buddhist or Christian. It is worn for about a year whenever people leave the house. It is a sign of mourning.
I enjoyed meeting his family. I didn't know he was one of eight children. Or that there was a set of twins in the family. The family resemblance was very strong. Someone commented from work how nice it is to see them smile because it is like his smile.
His mother was there. She is very kind, very nice. So is his wife, daughter and son.
I did my best to be present. To affirm his skills at surgery with all of his family members I met. To help ease the grief. I was also present, and those from work who came, saw that I stayed. Not one but two days. My friend Kelly, at the request of the widow, was by her side the whole time, and also spoke. The chief of surgery from each hospital he worked at spoke. So did two sisters (the Christian ones who stayed in the Midwest).
What happened in the realm of Spirit?
Last we spoke, I had seen Khiem's chakras turning grey, and I saw him give me a salute. He looked healthy in his navy blue uniform. He smiled. And I knew by that gesture he had decided to go.
I had heard him the Sunday I visited him in ICU, as I went to the hotel, him in surprise say, 'I had no idea...' The work is so hard I can't take call from home because I'm too sleepy to drive. I pay. I pay for my safety.
When I arrived in the morning, on the day of the viewing, he asked me, 'what do you think?'
It was a lot, a lot of ceremony, and in my heart of hearts I could see why someone like him would be a little hesitant to die--it puts everyone through a big deal in his culture. It's not like Catholic where there's a funeral, a burial, and a meal then it's done in two hours.
I also was horrified because I didn't send flowers, I didn't know. Fortunately my anesthesia group did.
Once I connected the Reiki to the room, I was called back to the hospital. When done, he asked me to go to his favorite bakery, the French one. I did. I bought seventy dollars' worth of pastries--two boxes of eighteen macarons (a box of seven is twelve dollars), a loaf of bread (he loved it) and a creme brûlée . The last two were for him. When I brought them the widow said, 'you read his mind'. Actually, he told me, but I didn't say.
Yesterday I saw Buddha. I asked him is it always like this at the end of life? People chanting to him for a long time, making a big fuss, with the priests calling the shots and the people looking to them instead of Him? He said, 'yes, it's like this all day long for me.' Then he showed me a brilliant whiter than white ray of light, and told me to breathe it. It was his crystalline clear Consciousness. It was amazing, better than mountain air--crisp, clean, clarity! What a difference between what the Buddha experiences himself, and his followers. In his words, he says, 'it is watered down'.
At the end of the ceremony, we walked to the gravesite. There was a military ceremony. I was thankful because the woman taking first call had blocked off the time to attend the funeral. I stayed with her and the nurse for that part. That's probably the most respectful thing, to close the O.R. for non-emergent cases (most are called that but truly aren't) to pay respects. Some OR staff under the direction of PACU wanted to go but were not permitted. I had to come back and do three cases. One cancelled. I started another. And got word that the last one cancelled because the patient didn't complete their prep.
We were each given a rose to place into the ground with the casket. Mine went up and to the right, by his left ear, around the same place as the tape recorder thing. I hoped it would go by the head.
For dinner, Anthony and I had Vietnamese. Khiem told me to order the bun--vermicelli noodles. Anthony had the pho ga (chicken pho soup). During the meal, Khiem gave me the first of his messages to his wife. I texted them to her. I haven't heard back. They were short, clear, concise. I AM PROUD. THANK YOU. I AM WELL.
It's not easy being in both worlds. But I wouldn't trade it in a minute. It is good to heal others with this gift. I'm glad I could be there for my friend.
On Saturday night, at the hotel, I was exhausted. I went to sleep around seven thirty p.m. It kind of sucked because with the time change I had an extra unpaid hour to be on call. But that night, Ross was more present than he had ever been. He was very close, very kind, very loving. It was almost as if he had never left. I enjoyed his presence, his words, his smile, his kindness, and to be honest, his health. After he died I am always thankful to see him whole and healthy. It was horrible to see him die. In time, that fades. But when I see his arm in one piece, I'm grateful there's no scratches on it or harm. I'm always giving thanks for this when I see him in spirit. I had the best night's sleep in his arms. I'm always sleeping in his arms, but that that night I felt him closer than ever and I was glad he was near. It had been a hard day.
I forgot to mention on the second day, I started the Reiki, but I handed it over to Ross. He was doing the healing for the group all day the second day.
I have work today, every day this week. Today's start is late.
I had a nice talk with another doc, she explained the group news. Another anesthesiologist is in big trouble, worse than me, and she's been sent to OB, only, like, ten days a month, taking more days than my colleague who normally takes the most of it. There had been complications. And an argument during a code blue with a partner. I think in an academic group, she would have the support she needs and she would do well. Complications happen. But in our group, it's all hush hush. My friend said to just enjoy the extra time off, to lay low, and to not talk to the boss, ever. It just makes things worse. To be like another anesthesiologist, just show up, don't talk to anybody, and go home. I was grateful for this.
Today is another day. I get to work with my friend who was at the funeral all weekend like me.
Ross is smiling. And he reminds me it's time to get ready for the day.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Cupids <3 who are in love.
