Yesterday I was humiliated in front of my peers. And I also had to call for help in the Operating Room. These were over two separate patients, not one.
When something is gravely wrong in the O.R., when patient life is at risk, we are trained to call for help. Skilled hands. Another anesthesiologist. Clinically, things were not so good, they were fixable, and I was actively working to fix the things. But I don't like to gamble. So I called for help to back me up as plan B if my plan A I was implementing failed. Plan A worked. So my colleague was like 'you can fix this!' and my nurse, bless her, had brought the gurney to the room. When the patient is on their tummy you can't do chest compressions. So you have to flip them after you quickly cover the wound. I was gladly able to let the gurney leave the room. Everything else turned out fine. For me, this usually happens when someone pulls on the peritoneum or another structure that causes the heart rate too slow. It's a reflex.
If you've ever heard of anesthesia being described as long stretches of boredom interrupted by moments of sheer terror, that's what a moment of sheer terror looks like. My training kicks in. But I'm shaking as I'm doing it.
One of those and your nerves are depleted for the rest of the day. Every ounce of cortisol and norepinephrine is used up from your reserves. It will take a day for it to build up.
My humiliation was how a surgeon spoke from the ego when I gave my clinical recommendation that there was going to be a delay for technical reasons, difficult i.v. access. He said, 'I just want to operate, put in a central line'. The only time we put these in awake is in the heart room, and in this case there was a language barrier. We don't put them in in pre-op. And not for prone cases.
The i.v. from the floor infiltrated. The i.v. fluid swelled up the arm instead of going into the vein. The patient looked like Popeye. Fortunately, the PICC line nurse finally arrived. He has an ultrasound machine. He was once my patient. I explained there is risk of blood loss, the arms will be tucked, and I need a really good i.v.
He gave me two. He also offered me an arterial line but I told him I can do it in the O.R. I used the ultrasound for that and I did. I commented on how mean the surgeon was to me, how I couldn't believe it. And when I took the patient, the nurse patted me on the back. He understood.
I explained to the physician assistant, that sometimes it's easy to be careless and bad things can happen. Bad things can happen anyhow, but with some patients, they need a little more care and time for the preparation just in case something can go wrong. I even had the crash cart in the room with the pacing pads connected on the patient because some pacemakers can't handle the electricity used in surgery. Most newer ones are okay. But some old ones are very sensitive (by the way if you have hearing aids, their circuitry is delicate, and it can't handle it. That's why we take them out. Hearing aids are expensive!)
The last blow was when I came home from work, right as I pulled into the driveway, I was called back in to do a case. It would be an hour to turn back. I called my colleague who had just finished a case and was also going home. I offered to drive in but if he was closer could he please start it?
He generously offered to do the whole case.
This was good because after having a blast at homecoming, Anthony was now sick. Sore throat, headache, muscle aches.
It's viral, clearly.
But now with the public school a doctor's note is needed to explain absences.
It took two hours.
It totally ruined my night.
And now I'm sick. I ache everywhere. I asked a colleague to cover for me but she hasn't called me back.
I have a short day, but I have to work and leave Anthony home to care for himself.
My heart was breaking because I have absolutely no control over my schedule. And as a parent, it's even worse because I come home from the stress, I need to relax, and I get even more stress. I wanted to cook and we had to eat out at the restaurant next to the urgent care because it was late.
I wanted to go to sleep all day long, but I had to stay up because Anthony wanted to watch The Office and be with his mom. (that's how I got sick, he gets clingy when he's sick, I do the same thing when it's the flu). I went to bed at ten thirty.
Was I loving to all when the near-tragedy was averted in the Operating Room? Yes.
Was I loving and turning the other cheek to the mean surgeon? Yes. I sensed he just didn't understand the complexity of the patient, and wanted me to not feel limited and to just raise the level of care. I don't think he's ever put in a central line. (I wasn't happy, but I wasn't mean or fighting back)
Was I loving and kind to Anthony? yes
And was I professional and responsible to the charge nurse of the O.R. when I got called in? Yes. I explained the nature of the delay due to traffic I anticipated, and found a closer anesthesiologist to do the case.
Am I tired and worn out?
Yes.
Do I have lots of little forms to fill out for the Swim Team and my refi and stuff? Yes. Do I hate forms like that more than anything? Yes. Have I put it off for some time? Because Anthony needed me for two nights. Yes.
What can you do?
It is what it is.
And I give Reiki to myself for sure.
My pool is less green. I put two magic erasers in and switched them out for another. I also have lots of chlorine in the pool. I'm ready to give up on it.
The fly sticks are working a miracle. The lady on YouTube showed me how to use them. You put a little wine -- I used apple cider vinegar-- in the bottom tray. They are made by Black Flag. No rats came into the traps last night. And I'm doing the best I can with the housework.
I need a wife.
I'd much rather be the wife, though. I love all things pertaining to the home.
Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I signed up for this life.
Sometimes it takes everything I have to get through my day. And I will. I've done this countless times before, going to work sick.
I am resilient.
I have Ross. He's helping but I can barely hear him. Therefore this must be a test. Tomorrow is a long day. I'll see if I can trade calls with someone for tomorrow.
I can't hear Ross. He's just giving me a hug. I can feel him. And he waves bye. He's not smiling but his face is pleasant. He's not mad for sure.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
