I was first call on Friday, fortunately I got some sleep. As I mentioned in the last blog post, I spent Saturday taking my Advanced Cardiac Life Support renewal class, also with my Basic Life Support renewal. I was fortunate in that there was a Pediatric Advanced Life Support class going on in the afternoon, and my request to take new week's course and move it up was granted.
I got it all done in one day.
The class is mostly taught by video clips from the American Heart Association. There are actors and it is a professional job. They have actors portray the disease, and then in the blink of an eye they switch out the actor for a mannequin and the demonstration continues in the actual medical setting.
I am awake, and therefore, I know to take the 'science' that is presented with a grain of salt, it is a story. And the true 'research' is based on a fund of knowledge from TWDNHOBIAH with MK Ultra/Monarch, near death centers, and the resuscitation protocols from bringing people to the edge of this life and bringing them 'back'. People like Svali, the Illuminati trainer whose job it was to make alters in these victims, know this as their 'art'. They know the physiology, the drugs, the things to look for, and when it's too far to salvage someone. The other peer-review studies are like window dressing to fool the public and the people taking these classes.
There are clips that come with a warning that they are triggers for someone who has undergone a recent loss of a loved one. I hadn't so I watched them. I figured I would be okay. It's about how to tell people a loved one has not survived a code blue. There's a sixteen year old boy with blue lips that they work on, a father who dies, and a young boy who dies from an asthma attack. The acting of the bereaved is very raw and emotional. I always cry.
A nurse was in our class, and she had a stroke while at the surgery center. She had the sudden onset of facial droop and the right-sided weakness during her shift. Her colleagues told her not to worry, her workplace sent her to urgent care where they called it a Bell's Palsy, and then she ended up driving herself to the Emergency Room where she was able to get definitive care. She recovered and was able to get back to her work, but she had a message to the group--when in doubt, call 911 (the emergency response system). She would have had an easier recovery if it had been done for her.
After the stroke vignette in the video clips, she was crying. She exclaimed, 'I am a survivor! I am a survivor!'
It was a long hard day. When it ended, I came home to an empty house. Anthony was with his father for the weekend. These are always the hardest on me.
The message from Our Older Brother came out while I was in class and I was reading it.
There is a dig in it, a dig to get at me. It is the 'at last!' (someone to understand you). I can always talk openly with Ashtar or with Michael because there's never any judgement and they both 'get' me.
With Ross I can't.
I think it bugs him. That's why he said that the way he did.
He's had to have quite the team to get me even to talk to him. I know he loves me, I know I love him. But sometimes it is like we are on two completely different Universes when it comes to being able to relate to each other heart to heart and soul to soul, with me being in form and him not.
The message from Jesus also had a very strong trigger for me: 'just lay down your life'.
So I fell apart.
I came in the front door crying. I couldn't stop. I felt alone. I explained to Ross how when he died, I did what I had to do to prepare his body, every detail for him of what I had been taught, and he 'came back' but he wasn't the same. He just wasn't the same. The old Ross had been lost to me forever, the one who was in form, and we grew up together, and I couldn't take it any more. The new one was see-through and my arm would go through him. He was forever changed.
Because there was no body, today there's not even a spot on the earth where I can to go pay my respects and visit his remains. It's painful and doesn't make sense. He says, 'I am everywhere' but again, it's just not the same.
Ross told me to watch YouTube to cheer myself up. I don't know how I found this channel, but I watched two videos from Ask a Mortician. One was funny, it was about things that survive the crematorium, like prosthetic hips, and also, how breast implants make goo that needs to be scraped, and how pacemakers can explode in there and damage the machine, so they get removed in advance. I also watched her episode on the worst ways to die. I also watched her TED talk about how our society outsources death, in only one hundred years our society has changed from home wakes and healing and closure for the family. She was funny but she didn't help. I actually realized it was the working of TWDNHOBIAH, just like in the video on millennials hating boomer by David Hoffman showed their tactics and strategy to divine and conquer by manipulating the psychology of generations through advertising and publicity and mass media. http://sacredcrossings.com is a wonderful organization which helps you to get this back, just like the funeral home of Ask a Mortician. They are going counter to a billion dollar funeral industry. You save tons of money by this route too.
Ross had me go outside and lie in the hammock.
I was so upset I called for my Higher Self. I asked her for help. I shared how painful this is, being alone, being different, being here for my purpose, and how having Ross be 'always with me' but 'not in form' is absolutely maddening because he helps with nudges and I can never be one hundred percent sure as if he was in form. I confided to her how every day without him is agony for me, and how here there are demons and they go after me in my sleep (they do. I won't give them any intel but they do, and last week it was very bad.) How can I be here in this place, it's horrible!
She gently gave me back to Ross. I've never seen her face more serious. And I knew my questions were valid and she understood them as True, as a sign of my Awakening no one had anticipated me to have.
When I get like this there are a lot of energy pulses sent to me, I feel it, and they tingle. They are like anesthesia for the soul. I got a lot of them. Ross said he was there, with me, and I felt him kiss me. And I asked him, 'I know you can make copies of you, infinite copies. Is this one of them or the real you?' He assured me it was all of him, and no copy, right there with me, even though I couldn't see or touch or know with my senses it was true what he said.
Even still, I asked him, pointedly, 'what is there ahead for us as a couple? will I get to enjoy your presence and heal? are you going to be off doing other things once I leave this body? what kind of life do we have next, after I die and leave this body?' Ross explained that Anthony and he would be with me, for a long time, as long as I needed, and our future life together would be good.
Even though this reassured me, still I was so upset I wasn't going to eat dinner. But I had wanted a chicken pot pie earlier in the week. I looked and there was still one left in the freezer. Anthony hates them but I grew up with them and like them every once in a while. Ross suggested I heat it up, have a glass of wine, and watch The Office. It made me feel like Anthony was home. I felt better. And I went to sleep.
This morning was more of the same. Morose, tearful, even doing chores couldn't help me cheer up.
I did what Ross had told me to do, I watered the garden. I was angry to find a rat had taken one of the ripest big tomatoes to the spot they take. Then it was disturbing to find the chubby rat freshly dead not far away. I scooped it up with a dustbin, and it looked to me like it had died of gynecological cancer. There was tumor there, fungating tumor and that makes sense because I know rabbits are prone to this, and succumb by their second year in captivity. It also was covered with ants, so many of them. I threw it away and went back into the house to do chores.
As I was changing the sheets in my room, I knelt on the side of the bed and asked Divine Father to help me, I can't make it, and it's so hard. I went immediately to his office and sat on his lap and talked. I asked him if there had been any way to avoid Ross' terrible death? I had seen it in advance, and warned him of it. But he didn't fight. He didn't fight at all. He just lay down his life. And he suffered so much. I saw it. I them killing him, and I didn't like it.
Divine Father explained to me why and that there was no other way.
He didn't kill him. He doesn't kill anyone. He just lets things take their course.
But it horrified me that the people killed him. The people of Earth. How they did it and continue to do it set me off on another crying jag.
Divine Father told me to go to Peet's coffee. To have the oatmeal Ross had told me to make for myself but to buy it. And to go to Costco to buy a zucchini for the ratatouille I wanted to make.
I was like, Father, how can I leave the house like this? I'm a mess! I'd rather stay in...
He told me he wanted me to go to the coffee shop so I could see that humans can do other things besides kill. It would be good for me to be around people. And besides, I needed gas for the car (tomorrow's an early day, that's why I'm writing today.)
Before I left, Michael heard my distress. He sent Karuna Reiki, lots of it, to my soul. When the soul is in anguish, Karuna is the best thing. It was a very strong blast of it, very very strong, possibly the strongest healing I've ever felt.
Everything quieted down inside.
Then I sensed it that my team made it so I couldn't ever remember certain particulars of Ross' death. They've done that many a time. I can't see it any more. I can't hear it. But this latest layer, the emotions, the powerlessness, they quieted too.
I found my sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes, and left for my errands.
I got three songs in the car, I knew they were from Ross.
And at the coffee shop I saw a man and a tranny (the body was not female, I'm so glad I know how to identify them). I saw students, older people, a couple with their adult daughter, a father with his daughter who was all dressed up for church, workers, a butch lesbian, ambulance drivers...it was very crowded. And I saw all of them had their skills, their perceptions, their views, and nobody looked like they had killed anybody lately. I knew Ross and Divine Father loved them for what they are. So there is good...that exists with the killing instinct humans have. Divine Father said that even the ones in TWDNHOBIAH have their good qualities and traits, even they who kill on a regular basis do not create terror and kill all the time.
Then I went to Costco. After that I went to the other grocery store to get the eggplant for the ratatouille. And Bruno Mars sang 'You're beautiful just the way you are' and I knew it was from Ross.
I started tearing up again.
I turned it off and went to the store. I had to go quickly since there were cold items from Costco in the trunk.
When I came back, and drove home, I saw a license plate: ISAIAH 61:3.
(New International Version)
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
As I was finishing reading that, the radio talked about Kanye's new album, due out in a couple weeks, 'Jesus is King'.
I began again sobbing uncontrollably, but this time with gratitude and a sense that everything is going to be okay.
After I unloaded the car, and started writing, when I went to look up the Ask A Mortician I came across this video:
It's been a long life of suffering for me. I experienced two forms of neglect. One was with the alcoholic babysitter. The other was with my maternal grandmother who took care of me but then sat me in front of the TV so she could clean her house. For hours. I got meals with her, she'd give me a bath. But otherwise there was no companionship until my grandfather would come home.
I am not liking this new full moon. I feel it since two days ago, building. So many things are coming up for healing. But this new Saul message helps me to understand even this is right on schedule, and for my highest good.
I can't take it with me to the Higher Realms. Better to let go of the baggage and be lighter and free.
Ross says he is going to take care of me for a little while, until Anthony comes home. I feel him. I feel his energy. I like it when he's close. He's very calm. I'm so glad he doesn't demand that I toughen up or anything. I also know he's smart enough to work with Ashtar to get me to open up so that my teams can heal me and I can get better. I know Ross would do anything for me, and for Anthony, because he is a good father, healer, and friend--as well as husband and Twin Soul. I wish so much with my heart that our story in our last incarnation together would have gone differently. I hate saying goodbye. I even challenged Divine Father today is that the whole point of life on Earth is to like something only to have to say goodbye to it? But Saul said, today, it's for joy and it's for good.
And Ross' bible quote was impeccable.
I'm looking forward to resting quietly with him.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are 'very tight and very close' Ross says.
