Today we are going to take you through a tour of the subconscious, at least, my subconscious. It's acting up again. I've had many a buried memory from this lifetime or past ones come up. So, the best medicine for things that are a little heavy or difficult to understand is a sense of humor. Lately we have been watching lots of episodes from The Office at home on our video streaming system. we eat dinner on the couch with little TV tables and watch. The running joke is after a line, to add, 'and that's what SHE said!' to it. So if anything is disturbing to you, the language of the subconscious is very raw and unedited, simply add a 'and that's what SHE said!' to the material and smile gently and laugh to yourself.
Dolores was skilled at using the hypnotic state to bring out all kinds of information in her subjects: UFO's, extraterrestrials, past lives, Nostradamus who was a physician/healer/psychic, and even the Holy family.
If you are a survivor of MK Ultra/Monarch, you must be careful because there are triggers that can set off programming when you read about these materials. Thankfully for me, nothing has ever been triggered of that sort. My life in my immediate past life affects me a great deal, and I have healed from it with the gentle loving support of Ross and my team. But I haven't been 'triggered' until yesterday, reading a short part where someone said Ross had killed a playmate with his powers and brought him back. They were saying that Ross DID have emotions, it's not like the books say, and he learned to overcome them.
I was like, 'oh man, I'm not sure if I wanna read those books about the Essenes and stuff'...and then I went on to other things.
In my dreams early this morning, I was living in an apartment. I owned a small pink pot belly pig. It was still tiny and cute. I was soothing it and lying next to it on the floor, trying to get him to fall asleep. It did. I was happy it fell asleep, and I enjoyed it very much that I was successful, and also I enjoyed its smooth breathing and relaxation as it was in the land of dreams.
Then I was cleaning a cage and I wasn't expecting to find turtles but I did. Lots of small baby desert tortoises. One had a terribly malformed shell, a huge dip in it, but it was alive. I didn't know I had turtles. I know how to care for them.
My pet turtle I have now, though, wasn't in the cage. She was at this old pet shop I dreamed of a long time ago. We had just left her there and never remembered to pick her up. It was a strange old pet shop where you could board pets. Last time I was there I had too many snakes. They were coming out from everywhere, I was trying to get rid of them but the snakes of my own and the place were surprising me too. All kinds of snakes, none of them poisonous, but all kinds and sizes and ages, were coming out and surprising me. I wasn't afraid but I was annoyed and wanted them to go away.
Then I saw a dead bird on the bottom of a cage. It was an eclectus, the red and purple kind. It was disturbing because something had happened and all the birds were dead. I even saw my own beloved cockatoo of over twenty years (he's thirty, I rescued him at eight) on the bottom of his cage. It was the first time I've ever seen anything like that, and it made me very sad in a detached dreamlike way. I didn't cry.
Next I knew, I had my chicken Goldie with me. She was a bantam we found resting on the windowsill outside of a local convenience market in the seventies, called, Stop and Go. It was by my parent's house. My friends and I could walk to it, but we drove that day. We asked the clerk whose chicken it was? They didn't know, and said it was okay for us to have it. I loved, loved, loved my two chickens Goldie and Henrietta and cared for them during my eighth and ninth grade. Mom got rid of them both because Henrietta would squawk loudly through the day and irritate the neighbors. She just dumped them both off at Knott's Berry Farm. Not to be cooked. To be wild. There are many wild chickens there.
But in my dream, I had Goldie and I was in a restaurant. Anthony was there too. We were waiting in a curved cushioned bench near the restrooms with the chickens. An estranged friend was there. One who actually said I am not your friend because of x, and y, and z. And the reason was that I wrote something here. I write things for my readers, I share to help people learn, and the energies at the time were disruptive in the cosmos and I wanted people to understand they can affect anything even close friendships as this. I never mention names. But for that friendship, so be it. The other friendship was lost over who said what between the kids and how the grownups handled it, and my writing about it here too. Well in my dream, the first one I mentioned was there, very cool and chilly, but she acknowledged the chicken and was reserved but talking to me about that. But then her son came from the bathroom, and it was as if I was dead to all three. I couldn't understand it, and it was painful to be treated like that.
Then I woke up.
When I was in medical school I had a devotion to Blessed Mother for many years already. My husband's family was friends with a visionary, Barbara Matthias. I was seeing Blessed Mother too after sharing a visionary meditation (I was next Barbara as she was in ecstasy, her afternoon meeting with Blessed Mother in another dimension. It was very regular, around four o'clock in the afternoon. She had medical testing once at UCSF during it. They did ice cold calorics test--a water pic stream of ice water into the ear--this is a test done to see how deep coma is. Barbara didn't move. She wasn't there in her body, not one bit. Of the three non-Christian examiners, all MD's, two converted to Christianity of the basis of their tests on her. They did a whole battery of them that took weeks.)
And when I would meditate, usually when I was so burdened by the rigors of medical school, I would go to a home, and both Mary and Joseph were there. I would watch Mary cook in the kitchen over a real fire that wasn't gas but wood. Sometimes we would go for walks and talk about life. Her garden was huge and very beautiful. She showed me a little room with a small bed with a hay filled mattress, a chair, and a desk. The door opened on the left of the room, you could see a window across the room cut deep into the earthen wall. And the head of the bed was to the right, on the far wall in the corner. I was welcome to stay in that room as often as I wished, it was a home away from home for me.
Joseph was always in his workshop. He made wonderful things. He wasn't much of a conversationalist, but he had a way of listening and giving advice that was right to the point. He heard everything and he was a huge thinker! So he would make you know he cared.
I remember the first time I saw him I was in awe. I asked him what Jesus' favorite toy was. And it was a little wooden camel on a string, it had a platform under it and four wheels that turned so the child could pull the toy to follow him.
What I remember most is the dirt upon which we walked, and the crunch sound it made when we walked upon it. It was earth and we played on it.
As more memories came--after an event I'll tell you about--I remember playing and running and my doll and always looking up to Him. He could fix my broken dolls. He played too but was older. And he caught my eye. I felt very protective of him, and always wanted to be around him. He was fair, and kind, and always threw himself totally into whatever he was doing--a project, a game, but not so much school. He didn't like the school. I did. I absolutely loved it. So I was the book smart one, and he was the smart smart one. We had many friends. He kept to his friends, but my friends and I were never far away.
I never saw Him during medical school in this setting.
I did see Him often in the meditation after communion. Many times he would ask for my advice or opinion. He liked to hear my opinion. Why, he had a bazillion other things to do, why he would listen to me, I didn't know, but I respected him and always spoke from my heart. There was a time he looked fatigued. I told him, you don't have to do this. You've put in your time. You deserve to be happy. Why not give your responsibilities to the Buddha? Everyone would understand. You need to take care of YOU.
Once, he was in a cream colored jumpsuit/flight suit at the console of some vehicle that could fly and was super futuristic. He showed me something he was excited to share. He called it the New Earth. It looked kind of like the old one but also like the one in these pictures here. But it was very calm, organized, and I could tell he had put a lot of time and planning into it. So I said it was beautiful and good.
All of this was in medical school.
It wasn't until Karuna Reiki One attunement that I met him as my guide. I had two guides. The first who came was the Buddha. And slowly, from behind him, He walked towards me, and I understood he was my guide too. I had been guided to bring my 'love is' (13 Corinthians) mug and wear a beautiful long dress to my attunement. So I was very much in the Karuna energy even before I took the class. I was thankful for him volunteering to be my guide. But two? I wasn't sure why. Looking back, with the attunement, I became multidimensional in my energy frequency, and therefore direct communication was possible and it would be easier for him.
One Christmas, I was alone. Anthony was at his father's. He had spent Christmas eve with me. And I was alone. I was at the table, my Nana's table, so it was 2012. I was reading the news feed from recent blog posts. And one was a re-run from I think Ron Head or John Smallman. I didn't even know those two at the time. It might have been one of the older channelers. But I felt like drawn to the article. And Jesus gave an interview to the channeler about his personal life. He said it was hard--something with his wife was difficult. But there was a picture he painted with words, of a dinner party at his home, and he described his wife and him. He was quiet, happy, and taking it all in. And she had long dark hair, dark skin, and was a totally incredible hostess, very socially adept, and he was enjoying watching her.
You know how some things you just know?
I remembered it too. He was talking about me. And I remembered the party.
It was his Christmas gift to me. Home and family. Across the miles. And how he cherished me.
It was his way of gently reminding me of who I am.
Then the memories came. I would meditate. One of my favorites was the swimming hole. It looked very much like this. All the kids would take off their clothes and go swimming.
I think once I almost died and he saved me, I was drowning perhaps? I don't recall. But I do remember he was very worried about me, he scooped me up and put me on the shore, and he was smiling big when I opened my eyes and saw him. He warned me not to do that again, but I knew I wasn't going to do that again anyway. I think I fell in...
These memories, I keep in my heart.
I've met people in this life, who were there with us in that past one. I remember them. Their energy signatures. One used to have Him come visit her when she was a child, and she was falling asleep. She only told me that later.
But Dolores?
She goes back there too, uninvited, through her hypnotic trance work on others who wanted to help her. She could have been there herself, I don't know. But Spirit wanted to get the information out.
Should I read it?
I don't know.
I like my happy memories, and I don't want any more sad ones. I've had enough sad ones as it is.
I've also had concerns about the whole situation, for my eternity. I'm always connected to Him. Here in the United States, a couple chooses one another. There is no such thing as an arranged marriage for the majority of the population. We've had a really, really hard time with his last incarnation. It was a struggle for us both, our relationship, in the end. At first it had given us great joy and delight! We have done our best to work through the problems. I love him tremendously, and could never imagine life in any dimension without his Love and Presence.
But, can I do it?
Am I capable, as a soul? How am I going to manage with all of the protocol and expectations on me? It's so formal, and I'm not that kind of person at all. I would much rather spend the day in the garden alone than attend any kind of gala event and make small talk. In my home, as the hostess, sure! But not--THAT.
These are the things I confide to Ashtar. The worries and fears in my heart that I am not capable, I am not good enough, I am filled with dread at the prospect of eternity like this, oh how much I'd rather I hadn't signed up for the job, if you know what I mean.
He encourages me. Every time. Yes you can do it. Everything is going to be fine. It's going to be okay. I'll be here with you. (All I need is for him to cross his eyes at me at one of these gatherings and I will instantly know he understands and feels the same way about them too--which he does. He's very real and not into that sort of thing. Ross, on the other hand, has had to do that for so long I think the notion of being free and spontaneous escapes him, poor Ross...he's so true to his duty it has shaped him somewhat into that mold that everyone expects him to be. In this he's like his father Joseph. He works hard. And he doesn't question being the one others look to for support and security and safety.)
That's what SHE said.
That's what I said.
That's what Dolores said.
Do not be afraid to navigate your own subconscious. It is smart and won't show you anything you aren't ready/strong enough to handle. It's your friend. How it works isn't logical, but it protects you from harm. And when buried memories come up, from this life, or others, it's going to be okay. You might cry a little over things that you remember that were sad. It's okay to be sad. It doesn't have to last forever. And once you acknowledge the sad, you have the option for your teams to take the memory away from you forever. They can delete it. And you won't ever have to experience it again.
This is enough for today.
I want to spend the day with Ross.
I have one more day off.
Yesterday dang I did so much. I called the plumber to find out about maintenance for a tankless water heater (the scale). I got the broken BMW Z4 towed to the shop. It just loses power. It stalls. I love it that it's a manual transmission but I am sad it's showing its age. it's a 2003. I cleaned the bathroom (Mondays it's bathroom day on my schedule). I haven't gotten my renewal drivers license in the mail. I saw that the paper receipt expired. I went online to request a reissue. But today I should go to the DMV. I got the pool water checked. It's very cloudy and now has too much chlorine. I got some 'tea' from the Bokashi spigot, and mixed it with water to feed the plants. I picked up Anthony, took a French class, dropped off a forgotten textbook I found in his old backpack back to the old school, bought Anthony clothes for Homecoming Dance and also new tennis shoes for everyday. We ate Chinese--Din Tai Fun, best dumplings in all of Taiwan, here in the states! And took care of things at home. There's so much more, so very much more to do. I'm not sure I can fit it all into one day. But I will. I read two hours of Dolores yesterday. I think I will give it a rest today and allow my subconscious to catch up and process it. Also, I'd like to make dinner, and dessert--peach cobbler. I work the rest of the week.
The house is getting slowly better and better. I dropped off one load at the goodwill, and I'm staring to organize the pile of beads in the office. It still looks awful, but there's hope in sight.
Ross doesn't have anything to say, except to me, 'I love you'. I know he means it.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Family <3
