I woke up this morning and my phone told me it had upgraded my operating system while I slept. Sure, there had been a warning notification about it yesterday in my busy afternoon, but I was like, what can I do about it? It's one of those things where you have to keep up. I would have been glad if some of my favorite apps and games had kept up but they didn't, in the past. I can't enjoy them any more because technology just marched right on by leaving them in the wake.
As I was falling asleep last night, I was trying to come up with a reason or lesson from my super sad weekend of growth.
Why?
What really am I? Why am I mourning a 'role' Ross once played? I've loved him in other incarnations before with all my heart. Was it just that I didn't get closure and my soul was traumatized so much it carried over into other successive lives?
I am acutely aware I am living in more than one Dimension at the same time. I know with my major relationships of my heart. Just like my teacher Anne who is lesbian here on earth this time around is married to Eric on Sirius and has two kids in a parallel life...I know a part of me is paired formally with each of my five 'husbands' for a mutually agreed to 'marriage' in that I live with them and learn something important only they can teach. It's like a loving apprenticeship and Ross knows and approves because he is my Twin and there's no replacing that. Twins wants what's best for the other Twin.
You have a Higher Self. So by default you are automatically living in two Dimensions, here and where the Higher Self/Soul resides.
This is normal and natural for Creator Beings like ourselves.
There is a saying here, an ad tag line really, that goes 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'. It's for Las Vegas, a big town in the middle of nowhere in Nevada, where casino-style gambling is legal.
A long time ago, I realized, from watching one of my guides/husbands, that their decision to create an incarnation or aspect is like a gamble. They put the life force in. And the goal is for the extension of themselves to advance the Consciousness or the Vibration or the Soul Knowledge. It is a risk for a being sent to earth because the stakes are high. You can Descend as well as Ascend, and the extension of you has its own Free Will. Earth is like the Las Vegas on the wheel of Karma. Anything can happen and super big advances can take place.
I also sense that in the choice of a role, it's very much like an actor who wants to 'stretch their range' and do 'something new'. You know when a comedian takes a serious role? something like that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. As Ross said, you play a role in a story and then you leave that story.
Or as Sylvia Browne shared what her guide Frances taught her, 'live a good life and go home.'
Why is there a story? Who watches it?
Why does it matter that Humanity and Earth with everything on Her Ascends?
What is the point? How can it be for the Highest Good? How can Ross be correct when he says it is a 'gift of inestimable value'?
From what I've read of Dolores Cannon, there's a library of knowledge where anyone can go and re-live any life experience at any point at time. It's for their soul growth. So for them it would seem like they lived it too. Apparently many people have gone to re-live the life of Jesus because his was a 'big win' in their concepts and they wanted to experience what it was like to live in the steps of a professional I suppose?
And for the Ascension? Perhaps it is because it is like in a sinus wave--we are bottoming out of the descent in energy, and turning around and going UP in the Consciousness, acting like an energy net of sorts to catch all the lower frequency souls, recycle the very lowest who are adamant about staying on that path...and bring the rest back UP to the frequencies of another Dimension. In video gaming terms, you could say it is a big 'Level Up'.
I don't know. I don't see. Ross and I don't talk about it. Divine Creator and I discuss it. And this is the best we can have.
What happened in my sleep?
They aren't cute.
I've had 'visitations' both awake and asleep.
Once I had the queen of England and a horribly ugly being--tall--pop into my consciousness as I was falling asleep and they commented to one another, 'we just aren't getting to her...' I recognized them at once standing at the foot of my bed and told them to get the F-ck out of my room.
And they left.
That's part of the rules, we who are incarnate have Free Will, and when we say to anything supernatural, GO!, they have to GO!
That happened in my old house when I first bought it, perhaps fifteen years ago.
In my dreams in medical school, it was terrifying. Home invasions of a futuristic spaceship I was living in as my home, by hideous bug-like evil tall beings with weapons, breaking through the door, and I would be killed. No matter where I hid. No matter how much I tried to protect my family. Night after night of gory, horror. I felt every strike against me. Laser bullets to the chest, and the like. And every invasion felt more 'real' than my 'real' here in San Diego when I didn't even know I was psychic. I knew nothing about Ross, and I only had daily guidance and automatic writing from Blessed Mother.
It got so bad that I asked Divine Creator to take away my ability to dream. Even then I would sleep fitfully, and not relax until the sprinklers would go on outside my window at five a.m. Then I knew those people went away.
They were trying to create the wormhole, and they did, the one in the Congo. I was in medical school 1992-1996. And the attacks started in 1992, in the fall, and didn't let up. Once I started my surgery residency in the summer of 1996 I cried frequently, in total anguish and sorrow, and I didn't understand why. It was the energy of the Congo.
There are some beings out there who aren't cute--but are LOVED by Creator, I have to be Politically Correct--and they are hell-bent on creating their own perfect world. They are organized--they would like to be Unified but there are many factions and each wants to jockey for power. Kerth told us this. And he also told us what looks human actually has an ugly spirit being attached to it. They do rituals.
So in my dreams, I find myself in these environments and they are trying to get me to become one of them. To say it's okay. That's the thing they act all nice about but it's creepy and I know what's what. I have to be polite and firm. And I want to leave but somehow I can't. I am polite and firm.
I have other dreams where someone is stalking me, but here on earth, a spiritually icky being and I'm getting away.
And when I ask Ross for protection and I get two good night's sleep, then they go after our son, in his dreams, the same things. I have to remember to ask Ross to protect us both, and for Anthony to ask for his protection. Every night. Because these horrible beings are persistent. And desperate. They have lots of tricks up their sleeves.
I had a difficult day at work yesterday. Anthony had wanted to watch the football game with his team. I'd gotten rid of the Sunday ticket where we could watch it at home. His team isn't from our area, so it's not televised without the Sunday ticket. So, there's a sandwich shop near us that has a TV at each booth. We go and buy things to eat but really, it's to watch not to eat. And we eat slow.
I had a quinoa edamame salad that had practically a whole head of romaine lettuce in it. It took forever to eat. And it tasted okay but not great. It's a happy place and fun. I ordered a Guinness because that's what I like.
Yesterday morning I found our adventures had given me an upset stomach and diarrhea.
I was late to work. And I had requested an early start with a surgeon who is super, duper anal-retentive about being on time.
I explained the diarrhea, he gave me his okay. Fortunately, the patient needed to pee before surgery, and the delay was because of the patient and not me. It's fifteen minutes delay, which is HUGE and BAD in the O.R. It was still fifteen minutes ahead of our normal start time. But his is a seven a.m. start.
I worked hard. I worked fast. And in anesthesia, you eat between cases. But the nurse--who I love and work well with--was making things go REALLY fast. Well patient three had sleep apnea that was acting up in the recovery room. I had to stay and help. I couldn't leave the bedside until respiratory came with the CPAP machine.
My lunch was an over ripe banana the charge nurse of PACU was kind enough to give me, while I was standing up and helping the patient breathe. This was after a three hour delay--surgeon said he'd finish at eleven, and now it was two.
My dinner from last night's leftovers were in the fridge at the nursing station, midway between the bed in PACU and my OR.
I couldn't eat. The time pressure was such.
It's painful. This surgeon and his tech have the drug rep BUY them lunch every single day. So the drug rep/parts rep, whatever, is taking their order at the end of a case. He never includes me, another doctor. He never includes the team--scrub tech, nurse, neuromonitoring tech, cell saver guy, X-ray tech. And the surgeon and PA do this with no concept of how painful it is to everyone else. In the States, since the playground, we are taught do not eat in front of others unless you bring enough for everyone in the class. Everyone. No one is more special or more deserving. We are all the same. If you want cookies then you bring them for the whole class if you are going to eat them in class. The lunch benches it's different. You each bring or buy a lunch.
I got to leave for home at five p.m. The nurse I like, the one in a hurry, brought me a straw and a tiny cup of orange juice (four ounces) and one of cranberry juice (again, four ounces) during the case. That was all I'd had--no other food or water but the banana and juice. My breakfast had been ten minutes before six a.m.
I drove home, defeated because I had left my lunch in the fridge. I couldn't heat up Anthony's and my leftovers. I decided to make chicken steaks--they were thawed. Or possibly turkey sandwiches--they were fast.
I felt Ross and I knew he wanted to help but I didn't know how.
As I was changing my clothes, out of my scrubs, Anthony said he didn't know how it happened but his room just had the smell of Carl's Jr in it. We thought it was a sign from Ross. So we got in the car and went.
When we arrived, I didn't have my wallet. I thought to pay with my phone, but then I realized sometimes my wallet drops out of the pocket of those jeans. I asked Anthony if he didn't mind going back to make sure it wasn't in the driveway?
It was where I keep it. I never even thought to put it in my pocket. Anthony was startled because I never do this. I always have my wallet.
As we drove back Ross told Anthony to keep going on the road and not to turn into the fast food place. Ross said there are lots better things.
Ross asked me, what do you want? And I was like, wow I hadn't thought of anything I wanted like that in a long time.
Then I got the nudge, hardly strong, very weak, but I understood. Our local Mimi's Cafe (where Anthony had his baptism party many years ago) had changed over to a new establishment. There's one like that near my work. Anthony and I went often because they had a steak/mashed potatoes/caesar salad/breadstick special for twenty dollars. It feeds three people. My heart was a little sad because we don't eat beef, we haven't for a long time (except if there's nothing and we will starve--like me at work, or if we are guests then we don't say anything). Anthony and I agreed to eat something else.
We walked in the door and the special now is a barbecue rib and chicken, with a chopped salad, and breadsticks, for twenty dollars. I added the mashed potatoes, and Ross nudged me to get a beer. I got a citrusaholic local brew out of Huntington Beach. If you haven't had one of these citrus beers, they are good. Skulpin has a good grapefruit one I had at an Oakland A's game. It's not a Guinness but it's not a light lager there's something more to it flavor-wise.
So we talked. We enjoyed the new booth, the seventies music, the upbeat atmosphere because everything had been redone. And homestyle, you get your own plates and utensils, and the dishes come to share on platters and bowls. It's really nice.
Anthony asked questions about Nannu Filippo.
I answered them.
My grandfather was Irish-Italian. Very tall. He was an orphan of sorts, his mother died of tuberculosis when he was two. His grandparents raised him and his older brother because his father went to America to remarry and start a new life. Grandfather Benedetto found Nanna Rosa, and they had a little girl named Mary.
Nannu was hungry all the time growing up. He would go to the forest and cry. An old man would come out of the woods and bring him food, and tell him everything was going to be okay. But the old man would disappear into thin air as he was walking away.
My grandfather saw angels. They fed him.
I told Anthony how Nannu used to eat a full plate of pasta 'this high!' every night for dinner. How he had to have his pasta. And how he, a diabetic in later years, outlived his diabetes doctor! (he actually used to console the other patients in the waiting room and encourage them to Be Strong!)
Anthony knows he is Nannu back again. My mom and I figured it out when he was still in my tummy. We called him 'the Bambino' even though I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl.
Nannu got Nana Angelina because she was an exceptional housewife--because Creator wanted to console him for his upbringing.
They weren't religious. Catholic. But never went to church except for the baptism of their granddaughters. I was their godchild as well as granddaughter. He said he breathed on me at my baptism and that's where I got my strength. He also gave my mom, instead of flowers at my birth, a mint plant in a big red pot. He wanted me to be like mint--able to not die, to keep sending out runners, and to thrive!
I was Anthony's mother in that old life.
It was too short, too soon that I had to go.
And in this life, he has me.
In his old life, as my grandfather, he had a flaw he always regretted. He could not swim.
I fixed that.
This is my sister's dog. Anthony is very good with dogs and rabbits. In his past life, he raised rabbits. He's like a rabbit whisperer. And because of his dad's boxers, he's really good with dogs. His first word was 'dog'--not mom or dad. It was 'dog'.
His father in this life is Grandpa Benedetto come back. They've patched their relationship. They picked up where they left off. And Anthony's health is just on the edge of diabetes off and on, picking up where he left off in the last life too. It's a yellow chakra imbalance issue...I help him as best as I can.
Back then, he was spiritual but kept it to himself. At least now we talk.
And before this life, from the realm of Spirit, Nannu used to tell me and my mom things. Like how life is a movie and we get to make it with our thoughts. And how he works way harder up there than down here, it's like a vacation here. He worked on international negotiations and treaty type things I don't understand. He would get vacation and come visit us about once a year. He said if we ever needed him we could call and he would come, but otherwise he couldn't just hang out with us.
In physical appearance, Anthony has about the same build and face type as he did before.
If he didn't ask me, he wouldn't know about his past incarnation. I didn't tell him until he was older. My mom and I noticed many similarities, the same love for pasta, the same walk, the same noises to joke around, the same caring.
So last night, at dinner, I was realizing just what it was. The energy form, who I once knew most recently as my grandfather, is now putting life energy into my son, and working on his life lessons. He didn't finish elementary school in the last life, but he's a good student now.
And in both lives he is a guardian and protector of me.
I'm writing the best story I can this chapter, with me as mom and him as son.
That's all I can do.
And with Ross, he's an energy form I know as Ross, but I've known him as other things. I forget everything but the emotions and major events and hobbies/talents/skills from my past incarnations with him.
But he loves me. And he's not going to go away.
And part of me, a deep part of me, recoiled in horror at the thought and sight of him--because of the association with the painful memories of his end of life the last time. There was a song that he played on my coffee house radio, one that said, 'tell me what you hate about me and I will make it up to you'.
I realized for a relationship you must be close enough and trust enough in your love that you can express anger/dismay/unpleasant things. Otherwise it's not real. It's not to be abusive. But it's to be YOU.
I don't tell Ross anything.
A little, but it's always filtered.
I was always sidestepping around the feeling of rejection that Creator said, 'lay down your life' and Ross said, 'okay' and left me in the lurch. What am I, chopped liver? Yes I understand there was a higher purpose for it, and there's no other way, yada yada yada. But in my heart? I'm like, there's no WAY I'm gonna open up for this dude. And I ran all over the Universe in many incarnations doing everything I could to break the bond which in fact cannot be broken. Ever. So I shut down.
Yes we are back together for many years...but...on the surface. As friends, as lovers, as parents...but...not THAT part where I got so wounded. I couldn't and wouldn't go there.
Well, last weekend I did.
Sometimes, with these new moons, some of the things you 'clear and release' are gonna be 'not fun'. And it's okay. I'm still here. It's a part of the process.
And I realized, yesterday at work, that Ross is hurting too. Both from the events, and also from my coldness in my heart from my 'protection' of my not wanting to ever be discarded so casually like that. Not just in the laying down of the life but in the travels and everything.
Ross taught me yesterday that life is meant for joy. Not for work. Not for cooking and cleaning after a hard day where I couldn't eat. It was for letting Ross take care of us, and show us 'something better'.
I am an energy form, he is one. I'm putting life through this body. And he is my Guide with me 24/7, stepping me through my lessons. He's not putting life through a body. He did bring me Anthony. And I've seen him in 3D once, when I was walking to the bathroom at El Torito where I was having lunch with Andy Bojarski. I knew it was him. And Anthony saw him just this Saturday while golfing with his dad. In both the driving range and the wedge place. You just know. Anthony said his skin is a lot darker than they show and I knew it was him, the same thing I saw and never described to Anthony. Swarthy is a word for it. You know it in the eyes and the way he looks at you who he is. You sense his excitement and he quickly looks down and away. It's him making a cameo appearance to be near those he loves, and as soon as you realize it, he's gone.
So there we are.
Time to wake Anthony up. He had a nightmare last night. I've given him fifteen extra minutes. And to take him to school. It's a day off. The roofers come today. Just to make sure everything is ready for winter rains and safe for our family.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
P.S. Ross says we have said enough already
