The last few days have been hard-hitting with lessons, building strength, inner awareness, and self-acceptance with Love.
On Saturday I was called in to work, as back-up call. I was concerned because I didn't rest. On Sunday first call, I notoriously work hard. After the hospital on Saturday, I just had time to go to Trader Joe's, but lots of pre-packaged salads and sandwiches, to stock up for my 'backpacking adventure' (that's sarcasm there) of being On Call.
I'd even made arrangements for the Child Care and for self-care--renting a hotel room for me to cut down on the driving, as well as a sitter to care for Anthony once he came home from his weekend with his dad.
As an aside, the two had fun, father and son, and enjoyed their time together in San Diego.
Sunday I braced myself.
Ross had let me know it would be okay, not to worry.
But I braced myself.
As it ended up, I get the patients who need 'The Work', not so much in the physical, but the spiritual, and I worked hard in that regard.
Otherwise, I made a comment around noon that I wanted to 'eat a sandwich' because I am a 'hungry mom'...I knew I had sandwiches in the fridge.
My friend the surgeon heard, and offered to go to Jersey Mikes to get sandwiches for the whole team! He got me a ginormous Italian, I've never seen a sandwich so big, and it was my lunch and dinner.
I was in the hotel by five p.m., and just put on my pajamas and rested. I had my first case as early as six-thirty a.m., I had been tired...
I was not called the whole night!
About the spiritual work:
- There was a dynamic between a parent and child that wasn't, um, 'normal and healthy'. The former enabled the latter, with rumor in the chart that it went to the point of supplying illegal drugs to help the child 'cope' with their 'condition'--I'm not talking 'medical marijuana' here. I'm talking big drugs. My diamond shield from Divine Mother did something it's never done before--it made quills to protect me. Yes I looked like one of those fiber optic lamps from the seventies! It did this spontaneously before I went into the room. I was like, 'whoa!'...and 'cool!' Reiki was also given in the O.R.
- I encountered something I've never seen before in the O.R. while working with patients. It was neither a negative being or a positive being...but it was the sum total of the 'expectations' the patient had which had been handed down not only in the family from generation to generation but in SOCIETY from generation to generation. It was an old grey fat dude, who represented for the patient 'the life that could have been lived'. THIS is an Archetype.
- My light body sat with him and talked. It caught him off guard. I offered him tea and little sandwiches, which he accepted. After polite conversation, I mentioned, gently and politely, that 'it's not really helping the patient and the life that could have been lived is never going to happen.' It's making the patient angry and frustrated and unable to accept the condition. I kissed the Archetype and said, cheerily, 'you can HELP!' I explained how the Archetype didn't have to leave, but could help the patient to see what their life could be like (given the situation)'. Why not YOU to help them? At the same time, the Guides of Compassionate Healing were inching closer and closer to the Archetype. I saw a guide attach a small gold button and a wire and reel (like a self-retracting leash) to the Archetype. Then I got the signal to relax. This new guide will keep tabs on the Archtype, and be it's guide, and help it to heal and show it the ropes.
Monday was a day off.
I still haven't unpacked from Hawaii. I am taking care of first things first. My friend Ed came in to work on his day off to help me color my hair, and to trim it. He did it because he loves me, and as he says, 'you are the hardest working person in this show' (I have the most difficult schedule.)
Then I took Anthony--who didn't want to participate in the annual parade at the daycare--with me to my mom's.
It wasn't easy.
Mom is chipper, but declining in her social functions. She's always had an addictive personality. But add it to her health conditions, and it's a little frightening.
She loves jelly. And sugar.
She's not supposed to have it.
I bought a tiny jar of Salmonberry jelly for her from Alaska. She got up with excitement and came back with three spoons for us to taste it all.
She almost did back flips when she saw I had brought her the chocolate covered macadamia nuts she had asked for. We ate some of those too.
Then at late lunch-early dinner, which she treated, she repeated her behavior that was really hard to watch. Last month at Burbank for the play, at the restaurant, she opened packets of sugar and poured them into her mouth. She yelled at the waiter and said, 'I need SUGAR!'...I'm not sure if her meds had her hypoglycemic or not, but she did the same thing at the end of the meal too. (I treated for that)
This time, she asked for jelly and crackers. She ate them together before the meal. Then for her steak, she asked for tartar sauce to go on it. Yes, tartar sauce which is for fish. She also ate all the sour cream from our potato skins appetizer, with her steak. She confessed she ate a whole tub of sour cream last week. After the meal, there was the jelly and crackers.
My mom was with eating disorders my whole childhood. Then to see her like this--'happy'--but 'medically rogue'--is painful.
She heard the server's name was 'Leslie' and started talking about all of their beautiful chocolates all over the world--and I asked, 'mom, do you mean, Nestle?' Fortunately the server was kind, and confided to me her grandfather is getting like that now, a little dementia.
Mom was very happy, and gushed how 'when she is with Anthony and me there is no stress!'--that's because we don't try to correct her.
I'm sad because the decline is only going to get more obvious, and at some point, there will be no more 'mom' like I know it, no more home where I grew up (Anthony loves that home)...and sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know from my work...it never stops, the medical training...and it's painful to watch someone not taking care of themselves...
Tuesday was more.
One brief thing--this article--from Marc Gamma gently helped me to understand a little more about the Higher Self without my feeling threatened. It just sort of hints at it. I liked it.
These two articles: https://johnsmallman.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/forgive-and-be-at-peace/ and https://johnsmallman2.wordpress.com/2017/07/02/you-were-created-for-eternal-life-in-utter-joy/ both helped a lot with my growth.
Tuesday my heart just wasn't in it. What used to be my favorite holiday, now I dread. I know too much about the people who control the government, and the lies. I also just don't feel like celebrating anything now I'm more 'awake'. It feels forced, it feels staged, it feels contrived. I DID appreciate the day off...
He wants and wants and wants and wants.
I'm hardly ever home to interact with him.
We had decided the night before to have 'pendulum' help us decide our day.
We got to the beach (spirit said to wake him early if he wanted to go)--everything went well--but the ocean was rough! Very rough. Strong rip current, lots of fast, strong waves. We also have sharks in the water, and I was nervous. After a while, others got in the water, I got the hang of it. But I was knocked down by the waves many times--even at ankle deep between waves! Every muscle is sore. Anthony covered me with sand, I covered him. It was a good day. We left a little early to protect us from sunburn.
Then we stopped by the fireworks stand in a local town that sells them. I sensed there will be changes next year, and they might not be around.
We ate lunch, showered, and got Dairy Queen. I wanted a dipped small cone. He wanted a blizzard. We never do this--have never ever--but it was a warm summer day and it was fun.
Then...he wanted to look at Best Buy.
He's been pushing me to buy a new TV almost nonstop now.
Why I don't know. The other one works.
His dad's family is 'into TV's'.
I saw one, I said, 'okay' (Ross helped me decide). We said yes to a fifty-five inch and a stand. They loaded it into the car for us.
Then our nightmares began.
Both were very heavy. Both required assembly. To set them up we needed to take all of the old stuff and move it out of the way.
I explained to Anthony that he doesn't respect my wisdom, as a woman, when I say 'NO'--I have my reasons, and a big one was the assembly, the heavy lifting, and the mess. Never mind the expense!
Ross was over my shoulder watching me as I read the directions and assembled everything and taught him how to do it.
Anthony wanted to cut on a corner--the table top glass on the stand didn't line up. He wanted to skip the fourth screw.
I said, with the patience of Joseph, if it doesn't work out--it's not going to transfer the weight of the TV to the frame properly. We just loosen the screws on the other three, and try again.
Anthony was triumphant when he got it!
But it's difficult to work with a child. There are huge knobs on the TV that fit into the stand, which we had to assemble. I pointed to pictures, and explained how when that TV is lifted up, it's going to have the knobs rest into the slots to support it.
I got a 'yeah, yeah, yeah' from Anthony--who never understood it at all, and also, had not idea how much he didn't understand.
We almost dropped the TV due to his lack of understanding.
Fortunately we recovered.
It worked, and it was dark, and I didn't even want to eat. It had taken five hours and all the strength I had.
The house looked worse than it did in the morning--boxes and styrofoam everywhere. I was so sad, so humiliated, so beaten down. All the plants I bought on Saturday are dying, unpotted, in the garage. The styrofoam keeps the lid open in the trash, and the dead rat is 'ripe' and now the whole garage stinks.
Anthony ate half a chicken, cold, leftover from our dinner with mom.
I fed the pets.
Then it was fireworks time. Our neighbors were in folding chairs. We can see them from a nearby facility. One let me have his seat, a real gentleman. The show was beautiful. I still felt detached, but at least we didn't miss the fireworks with the hard work on the TV.
I liked Anthony being behind me, with his hand on my shoulder.
When it was over, Ross had him force me to eat. He gave me a little box of salad from Trader Joe's. Ross explained to Anthony I was past the point of hunger...but I needed it. So I ate.
I was also past sleep, and tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. This is the second time that's happened.
Ross told me to take the cell phone out of my room. He said it 'does something' that isn't good for me. So I set my travel alarm, and just in case it failed, had the phone in the far corner of the room.
I am not to use the sleep analyzer any more.
Time for oatmeal and packing lunches.
I've been having 'really long days'--lots of activity in them. And my Higher Self is sure putting me through my paces...
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla