Releasing Control

The energies out there are explosive.  Our countdown is to 238, one of my favorite numbers I have taken to heart, since it is the molecular weight of Uranium. I adored the periodic table and all of my chemistry I learned in my high school and bachelor of science degrees as an undergraduate. 

I even once formulated a dilutable high-fragrance cleaner with my job at Clorox, using a fluorescein type of dye (tennis ball optic yellow color)--and I named it P-238. 

I'm going to go back in time, starting from now. Now I am safe, I am at home, I had a nice dinner with Anthony. 

After school I volunteered--I have to put in ten hours and today I put in two and a half--at the school book fair. I enjoyed being at the school and helping .

A little earlier I had made it to my appointment to get my hair done. I cover the grey. I have lots of grey hair, there's nothing bad with it I suppose, but I'm not ready to have a full head of grey. 

Things happen when I am getting a shampoo. I see things from Spirit.

And what I saw today made me almost laugh out loud while my head was full of soap and I was being worked on.

I saw Ross and he was showing me his muscles! Flexing like a shiny dude on Venice Beach! lol. 

Then the other angels and Spirit Guides started showing me theirs. They started walking around like one of those contests! 

The message I understood was--we are strong! We are in charge! and We are confident!

Ross picked this one

Today I cried at work. 

I cried because someone showed me compassion when I needed it most. Michelle Parlato, RN, understood the stress I was under because I needed to care for Anthony--and told me she would always help if she was free. 

She 'gets it'.

Her sister is a single mom and she knows it's hard.

She said to put her on Speed Dial.

And I lost it. 

She held me as I cried on her shoulder. I told her how our charge nurse April is mean. And how April enjoys being mean. 

April is -- if not mean--she is extremely unsympathetic towards me. She is so worried about her breaks she has to arrange for all her nurses and scrub techs, that if I am in a room by myself for ten hours on a long neurosurgery case--my getting food or water is 'not her problem'. 

I told her, 'YOU run this O.R. You are responsible for everything. If you see there is an anesthesiologist going like that, aren't you going to at least check that someone is going to help them?'

She told me I have to arrange my own breaks--all of us do. But I HAD created my break, and she took that person and that gap and FILLED IT for her own schedule. So essentially, she took my break away. 

This was long time ago. 

There's been other run ins with her too, and when I've spoken up for myself, she writes me up and runs straight to my boss who talks to me. 

She's hostile.

I pick it up that she doesn't like me--for some reason. Is it the single mom? Some people think I'm bad because I wasn't married. They judge me.

Is it because I'm a doctor and she thinks I'm rich? Um, no, that's not the case.

Is it because she thinks Reiki is from the dark and is passing judgement on me?

Is it because she is an unhappy person? I don't know. 

All I know is I'm intuitive, and she enjoys watching me squirm. No favors for me ever. And whatever I did to make her hold a grudge, I don't know, I don't remember, and I don't know how to apologize to make things right again. 

I HAVE done a ho'oponopono after she ratted me out to my boss.  It didn't stick.

Mt. Titlis, Switzerland - 12 October, 2015: cable car gondola heading downwards from the top of the mountain. Titlis is a mountain of the Uri Alps, located on the border between the cantons of Obwalden and Bern. At 3,238 metres above sea level

I had asked April if it would be possible for me to switch with Dr. Mike so I could have a two o'clock start instead of one o'clock. My son was at the hotel. It was checkout time. I needed to take him home and drive back. One o'clock was too tight. It was eleven a.m.

I explained I was post-call. I had worked fourteen hours straight, with no breaks. Then I had to work post-call. 

April looked at me with a blank face. No caring. No compassion. No kindness. Not even a smile. 

She told me to ask Dr. Mike if he would be willing to switch.

Dr. Mike had come into my O.R. when his case was done. 

I asked him if I was going home?  He had a computer question. 

I didn't explain to him about taking Anthony home or the hotel. 

He thought because I had a case at one, I couldn't go home, so he didn't relieve me. He went home because he lives five minutes from the hospital. He would come back at two.

So I texted him.  I actually ran into him as I was pulling out of the parking structure. 

He had a physical therapy appointment and didn't want to change. 

I told him I had an appointment at one, and I would have to cancel it.  He asked what it was for. I said it was to cover my grey. (appointments are hard to get with my hair guy, he's busy). 

Mike understood.

I also explained to him I have to take Anthony home to do his homework because he's missing school because of my job. My F-ing job. He's not even sick!

What I didn't tell him, even though he was my backup call and worked with me many hours--seven a.m. to two p.m. yesterday--was that I had to drive to pick up Anthony way across town at five a.m. to drive to work and feed us breakfast. THEN I started at seven a.m. 

Anthony was alone in the doctors lounge for eight hours. I popped in between cases. He had my phone to my O.R. and could call my extension. 

He'd chat up the docs. One, our liver specialist surgeon--gave him his badge and let him go to the cafeteria to buy food for lunch. 

Anthony didn't mind, he said, he watched football.

My sister was supposed to pick him up. They sleep in. We didn't want to wake them. They left the house at one and picked him up at two. He had lots of fun with them and his cousins. (My work is in-between their house and mine).

Due to a tough i.v. stick, I was able to stop by the hotel and get the keys and arrange for her to be able to let Anthony in. 

Then I came back.

(Ross had told me to go to Souplantation. I did. When I was there I got the call from Dr. Mike that he stopped by the MRI place and learned my one o'clock case had been cancelled,--the monitor wasn't working. The main O.R. didn't know. So I got to go home from work. I told him thank you Jesus! And You are worthy of the name Michael! Archangel Michael!--he didn't know what to say but said he was glad Anthony was going home, he's a good kid. )

 

I had someone almost die on me.

It was terrifying.

It's always the last case at the end of a long day where they are the sickest.

Sometimes when someone has really bad infection the anesthesia just drops the blood pressure a lot.

I can't go into more than I was doing everything I was trained to do, and it worked. We had the crash cart in and were ready for code blue--but it never happened.

I wasn't sure if my patient would wake up brain damaged or not even wake up. My monitors had been horrifying. And I'd turned the anesthesia off halfway through the case. I only knew the brain stem was functioning because the hemodynamics had a blood pressure and there was spontaneous ventilation.

I also trusted I had Raphael and Ross to guide me.

The patient woke up same as before, alert and oriented times four, and following commands.

I was very badly shaken. I had to stay late for the entire recovery room stay, making sure we sent the patient to the right level of care (telemetry or ICU) and document carefully.





There is a bullet train heading towards awakening.  We are the lucky ones who know we are on the train and where we are headed.

Every day we are faced with the challenge--is this my problem? Do I love and care for this? Or do I reject it? It's always the yellow chakra.

With the food, I understand my need to self-soothe, my need to work my points--and be mindful every day. Not to get mad when I make bad choices, and to just get back on it the next day. I find myself taking smaller portions. Saying no to the last half of a bagel in the break room. I'm not as hungry because I pack my own more nutritious food to work.

What I saw today was an exercise is this my problem? (patients who have let the yellow chakra get major imbalance--or more correctly haven't stepped in to address it and it's too late almost)--then their lack of balance becomes--even in the short term with anesthesia unstable emergency--MY problem.

The Christian who saw me crying and had worked with me all day--the church person--didn't say BOO but Michelle totally stepped up to the plate. I got an ELL D Esss person sharing a thing about Anguish with me--I didn't have the heart to say I've learned what goes on behind the scenes at the highest level--and I appreciated the care and concern.

Two senior partners saw me crying. And I never cry. I explained the situation about the overwork. And they both were kind, and said, 'I'm sorry to hear that'. I wasn't embarrassed to cry with them.

Everywhere you go, many times a day, we are faced with the challenge--heart open? heart closed?--it's a choice.

I'm seeing people have their 'what was told to them' and 'their comfort zones' being challenged by my explosive emotions in the O.R. recently. Even the ones who didn't DO anything, or perhaps, 'could have done more'-- are faced with the thought of 'heart open more?' or 'heart close'?

This is an important step for US to realize they are worthy of our love, and perhaps need our love and acceptance more than the cute fuzzy puppy people or kitten playful people who are easy to love.

People like April need unconditional love MORE than someone like me.

Look for the Aprils.

Be the Michelle.

And when you are the Michelle the right way, the Carla's will cry uncontrollably because you 'get it'--and for a brief moment the Carla's will forget they are away from Home in the Higher Realms--and will let down their guard, be vulnerable, be human, and let go of the control and the need to control--and experience being accepted with nurturing, warmth, love and compassion.



Ross wants me to do the stone meditation now with Anthony. He told Anthony for me to do it with them.  After I write.

So I will.


P.S. Anthony loved having the day off from school. It didn't bother him one bit! LOL. I'm so thankful for this.



clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,

Ross and Carla
the Couple



P.S. Ross calls people like April 'deficient in love' and our task is to meet the need with unconditional love and fill it.