Monday, November 7, 2016


I adore this photo. First, look at the clouds. They are dark and stormy. Then, look at the trees. Just like when I was on Big Island, the wind is blowing strong, very strong, so much that it is difficult to talk louder than the wind.

The location is the Place of Refuge, the Puuhonua O Honaunau, on Big Island. This is a sacred place, where if you broke a Kapu law anywhere in Hawaii (a kapu is something even as minor as stepping on the shadow of the king--which carried with it a sentence of death)--if you found a way to this place you were spared your life.

There is history here. It is alive with the ancients, and you can sense it.

Then there is the blessing.  People in Hawaii, as a custom, will hang their lei on a tiki. For some, it is a way to receive a blessing, or to give thanks. For others, it is a way of saying, 'I'll be back' (a hui ho!--that's Hawaiian for come back soon!)...

Can you tell that I adore art history? I would have loved to major in it.

I like to see depth...

Frankly, because of this ability to 'see depth' and being at this particular point of my Ascension, I haven't wanted to write because of what I see, the truth, about myself, society, my future, my relationship with the Galactics, and even the Lightworker community in general.

As I told Ross earlier, 'If you don't have anything good to say, sometimes it's best that you not say it.'

That's why I've held my tongue.

I also told him, 'My life hasn't turned out the way I had hoped or dreamed. It's not even close!'

And he asked me, 'In what way?'

I told him.

When I went to Hawaii, I saw and I knew without a doubt that no matter how many huge crystals I acquire, they will never match the intensity of the energy I need for my system--but being present on Big Island on the Kohala coast, and in the ocean will.

The crystals are no substitute for the energy I require for my system.

How to get there? Long term? To relocate when houses are WAY expensive and I'd have to find another job? I don't know.

When I went to Hawaii with Anthony, I saw and I knew that Nature is the child's best classroom, and that in the presence of the mother, a child will grow strong and stand tall and confident.  And I live a life where I don't even get to have contact with my own son every single day!  Due to my work, and my obstinate ex--who won't let me even call to say 'good night'--I go for days on end without a peep from the child I carried in my womb for nine months, who I held in my arms and nursed, who I have fed and clothed since he was born, and whom I pay every single bill for everything, sports, medical, dental, name it.

I realized, when I was at the conference, that my entire field is dying. Medicine is dying. It is changing. There's not much opportunity for meaningful research. The rules are changing so fast on blocks and production pressure and not being able to get blood from the blood bank fast enough with a phone call like in the past (they want two specimens and think each unit is going in over three hours--fat chance of that when your patient is exsanguinating from their wounds in a trauma, you know?!)

And I thought to myself, I know what needs to be done. Someone needs to do the work and make Reiki and the whole concept of energy medicine palatable to them. I could do it. I know the president of the California Society of Anesthesiologists, I'm well-liked, and I could put together a dog and pony show and make a pitch to be an invited lecturer at one of these things.

I could do it.

I'm a little excited to do it.

And at the same time, the challenge is a daunting one. It will take lots of time, lots of patience, and I'm always on the go, if you know what I mean?

So I SEE for myself, my life situation, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I meditate and I feel like I'm not opening doors for myself. I feel STUCK.

Ross isn't helping me, either.

I have to learn to walk on my own two 'spirit' feet, one slow step at a time.

And I fall.

You know how sometimes people say they were really poor growing up but they didn't know it, and were very happy?

I'm sure their parents knew they were poor! I'm sure their parents did lots to make life pleasant for their children, and possibly, like my grandmother, went without food so that during the war her children could eat.

Early in my Ascension, it was a blast! I was discovering all that was new, and it was so cool to reawaken, to remember, and to learn who I really am.

That was because I was 'spiritually' poor and didn't know it, but my GUIDES were really helping me out, with super easy guidance every step along the way, if I could only notice it.

Now they are easing back.

They want me to do the same thing they are doing, and have always done, only I can't see it or understand it on my own.

That's why I meditate.

And if you think about it, meditation is the only thing we do in both places--there and here (incarnate).

Gone are the days of my fantastic visions, my out of body experiences, my 'fun'.

That's what I complained to Ross about most recently.

I'm not having any fun. I'm not enjoying being psychic. I'm not enjoying going to work so early in the morning and going without sleep.

When I stop to think about Reality, how five hundred million thousand people who are awake and incarnate on Gaia, are co-creating their combined futures together while learning their own lessons--creating with their thoughts and interests--I stop and think OMG!  Anything can happen!

I'm not a control freak, not in any way, but the thought of one big hoopla with no ability to control the outcome of the whole gmish (Yiddish for mixture) and I'm like, 'Dude! count me out on this!'.

I want to run.

But even as I write this, I know Creator is in charge of everything, and the Galactics are helping (I'm not sure what or how)...and I have to thank Trump and Hilary for making it glaringly obvious that We Can Do Better --or--There HAS to Be A Better Way!--than this embarrassing election. They have done an excellent job at waking up the Consciousness of the masses by the circus side show 'vibe' they brought in. Not that I believe the elections have much to do with the people's will, as opposed to the act of a ritual 'election' gets people to follow the will of the choices made for them by Those Who Do Not Have Their Best Interest At Heart. In essence, it's the old adage, 'A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down'--the act of voting makes the public think they have a choice when in fact they probably had little to none as those who retain the true power aren't in a hurry to lose any of it. They take no chances. They cover both options. It makes sense when you look at it with those eyes, and that view. But for most people, they like to think everything is legit and on the up and up. I don't blame them for wanting to think it's legit. The alternative--that 'They' are out to 'get us' is painfully sad.

Most people are good though.

I enjoy them, and I know once most people have the good brought out in them, things are going to really start to take off.

For the better.

Until 'lift off', I just count my days. In a way I'm turning into a Chef Ito.  No attachments. No expectations. And when I let go, really really let go, I feel a little warmth and glow.

It's not the joy and bliss everyone in the online Lightworker community is talking about--not by a long shot! be honest there is nothing more annoying to me than to listen to someone describing that joy and bliss.

No pain?  That I can listen to. A place with perfect health and healing, and no pain. Where you are eternally young and have unlimited resources at your disposal to co-create.

THAT sounds inviting.

But someone else describing something I can't even imagine, this JOY, while I'm still in the trenches is like a tease.

I don't like it.

Mi dispiaci. (that's Italian)

So I just watch and wait.

I can't remember anniversaries to save my life. But I know I learned about Ross as my Twin sometime this month three years ago.

I love Ross. And I would never be happy with another. I couldn't.  I know myself in this.

But I don't like my being here and his being there.

I just want to cook him a nice meal, you know?

I don't want to become an orb.

An orb to me is a disgusting way to BE. It's like a blob. Boogers are blobs. I don't want to be a spiritual energetic booger.

Orbs think it's cool to be able to take any shape they want, to cross dimensions, etc.

I'm here, incarnate, going, 'that's all I am ever going to be after this? an ORB???' and I'm like, totally disappointed.

I would have loved to have had one last time, incarnate, to 'get it right'...but for some strange reason...whenever you are one is going to ever get ANYTHING right!!! Not as long as it has to do with Life Lessons...until...we actually learn what we need to know and MASTER them.

While all the orbs are like perfectly content and singing and full of joy and bliss and all this stuff I can't barely even think of the names to describe this Happily Ever After that is invisible to me.

So there you have it.

I am upset because the prevailing 'wisdom' totally invalidates me, as I am, incarnate, and my WHOLE cumulative life incarnation experiences--as 'a short time' and 'an illusion' and so on--since the ONLY real 'reality' is up there, back Home, that we are supposed to awaken to...

I'd rather believe in Santa. And I for personal reasons, don't really like Santa (to me I see him as an anagram of Satan--letters rearranged--giving everyone what they want)...but it's easier to believe the lie that parents tell their children here on Earth...than to keep putting energy of my emotional investment into this Ascension thing which is taking forever (thank you very much--it's been six whole years for me, with no breaks)...and taking a LOT, increasingly MORE energies from my keep on the Awakening Vibe because so many now are responding to it. It's like being covered with nine hundred thousand mosquitoes all at the same time.

It's the only way. It's the only way until the others start waking up. And many of those closest to me, HAVE woken up, at least more than halfway. I'm talking about those strangers on the airplane--each doing their own thing--I'm talking about my people I interact with that spirit sends my way---I'm talking about random people who are in the very early stages of awakening...

I'm sorry.

To me, Love is a bouquet of roses and nice times spent with Ross.

This Limitless Love Energy of the Universe (Reiki?)--is okay when I think of it as Reiki. But for LOVE...I just end up feeling I got cheated in so many ways. No arms to hold me (even though I can feel his hugs and kisses, it's feeling, not seeing or feeling like I'm touching back.) Taking the 'It's Complicated' button to the extreme on FB, right?...

Because after this, that's it, I'm an orb. And someone might see me in a digital photo.

It's seems such a long ways from where I began, in that room with the hum and the glow, as a soul, where I remember making the sound with all the others, and not ever wanting anything else, or anything more. I felt COMPLETE. That's where I was before I incarnated long, long ago. And I WASN'T an orb! I remember my shape, but I didn't have a body to speak of. And I felt joy.

I couldn't go back to that.

I want to go and see the world. And the stars. I want to discover this Ross and just concentrate on enjoying time with him and family...for a long time.

I don't want to be an orb.

I don't ever want to be an orb.

I want to have free will, and to have adventures, and to explore all there is to see.

The only good thing from my trip, is Ross told me, and made this promise, that when I am wherever I go next, I will get to snorkel every day. Every single day. For all of Creation.

I love to snorkel.

I love to paddle board too.

I love the sun.

I want to experience it.

Orbs can't hold a paddle.

My Earth arms can.

Sorry for the rant, and thank you for staying with me.


I am an orb. I am an ORB! an orb...(he starts making all these spooky noises like a fake Halloween cartoon or something, and I sense that he is DEFINITELY teasing me! I give him a good pout...ed)

So. What am I?

(I see him in his flight suit, and he puts his hands on his hips--ed).

I am in another dimension.

So are you. At least a part of you.

I'm not going to go into this Higher Self thing right now, because I know Carla won't have any part of it. Carla is not into that thing--even though it's real--and Carla likes to call the shots and to take full responsibility for herself in this life---and not some nameless, energy blob she calls an orb.

Orbs can do fantastic things! Don't get me wrong. The sex with them is wonderful! (He is winking and nodding at me and really teasing me BAD on that--ed)  When two orbs get together, they are very happy! (he gestures with his hands like amorous orbs--ed--I'm giving him a glare and yet another pout!--ed)

(he puts his hands on his hips again--ed) Now there, Carla, will you still talk for me?


I have a lot to say, and I will say it, only at another time. Carla has a long brutal work schedule ahead of her, and Carla is without sleep and jet lagged just a little from her long flight home last night. They got home at ten, and she woke up at five. Carla wanted to go to sleep tonight early, but there was cooking and cleaning and laundry and the mail to catch up and Anthony had a project due...then I asked her to write.

Carla did have her exercise, today, but she cheated a little on the meditation by hitting the snooze button (those of us up here--orbs! ((he shoots me a teasing look--ed)) totally understand what it is like to have a body and be a little tired and worn out. Just call to us for some energy --Carla tell them how.)

((just say the words 'Reiki Undo'  It sounds like Reiki Uhn-dough. A shower of light will energize you for a few seconds--you'll feel it like golden rain but won't see blinking or anything--and it will last about five can only do it once a day. My teacher taught me this.--ed))

Thank you.

And good night.

(he kisses me goodnight. I feel it, and I know it's him--ed)

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The family