Today was a strange day with a huge breakthrough. Spirit had been laying the foundation with Hope Johnson's post about how there isn't pain, no one can cause you pain, you imagine someone to give you the pain you already have inside...and this Saul message here.
What I had thought I was going to write about, is how inadequate my 'supplies' stored up for 'disaster' during the lockdowns actually had been. Because of expirations dates, many of these items I have to use up soon. The giant, almost five pound bag of chocolate chips from Costco...realistically, would only make about four or five batches of cookies, or to melt for dipping in a few dozen coconut macaroons...I had not estimated what we would actually use for an extended period of time.
The same was true for the candles I had stored up for when the lights go out. The little tea candles in the pumpkins last night barely lasted two hours!
Whether you have a solar generator, or a gasoline one, they will only run so far as one charge, or one tank of gasoline. I took our smallest solar battery and used it when the electricians were here working, to run the radio that stays on in the bird's room.
It barely lasted eight hours.
Yes. For a RADIO which uses hardly any electricity.
Long story short, without others, who will help us and be like family to us, on this planet, we are 'toast' (not long for this world lol).
Furthermore, without Divine Assistance and Guidance, and a lot of luck, it's not easy to life/survive. For example, when the SHTF any defenses and stores, no matter how well-thought out, won't be able to last indefinitely. It won't be zombie movies.
Heaven forbid!
We are already living in one! When it comes to certain medical procedures and policies. Some call it 'clown world' but I'm not laughing.
So it was frailty and vulnerability I was going to talk about. But today, I got to experience it.
Having a pass to Disneyland, even the good one, is next to worthless. Why? Because you need a RESERVATION to be able to get into the park. And they book up.
I booked one day in Disneyland, in November, and one in California Adventure, in December. All restaurants are filled with reservations already.
It turns out that this Saturday was the only one, but Anthony forgot I had booked it for us, and his Dad and family want him at a birthday party for one year old niece/cousin Lilliana.
I know how Anthony solves things. He does both. Not one or the other. He wants to go back to Disney after the party.
I was irate because last weekend was his dad's weekend. There was a water polo game. But the dad and the entire family assumed that Anthony wasn't 'with me' the following weekend. But is IS technically MY weekend!
I felt rage.
I felt rage and pain and helplessness because my work schedule, and the coparenting schedule, and everything is just too much.
And I felt ALONE.
Totally totally ALONE.
It's not the same after mom died.
My sisters have lives of their own. Soon Anthony will have a life of his own. And all the 'nice nice' from perhaps ten years ago when his grandmother told the Uncle he would just have to 'get over it'--his hatred for me!l--disappeared when that second grandchild was born.
Ian won't let me set foot in any house that he is in.
Why? Because he says I tricked his brother into getting pregnant.
He never will accept that I really loved the father of my son. Ever.
His hatred is hurtful. But he gets away with it. Has a great job. Almost was in professional football but was able to get a full college scholarship for it. Got married. Had a kid.
In my anguish, and sharing with a friend, I realized, his attitude says a lot more about him than about me.
He smokes tons of pot, even in front of Anthony. Can't stop.
He's not willing to do any 'inner work'.
And for the hatred, the constancy of it, it must be demonic. There's no way to 'win him over' or even get him to be 'cordial and polite'.
That's when I saw.
And I laughed.
I laughed just the way Hope does when she says, 'you are making the whole thing up!'
I don't have to go 'there' any more.
I can live my own life. Free from anyone in 'that family'.
I don't owe nothing to nobody. My Nannu Filippo used to say that one a lot to me when he was older and I was an adult. He would proudly tell me how he made his life on his own terms, without help from anyone, and therefore...I don't owe nothing to NOBODY! There were no obligations (those are a big deal in Sicilian culture). Not to his dad, not to his brother, not to anyone. He was free. And he was glad to be free.
Most pot smokers are chill, and totally nice. I just happened to have a child with the brother of one of the most cruel ones that I ever imagined.
And even HE can't take away my joy. Because pain isn't real. And I'm free to move on. With or without 'making plans', with or without so called 'family'. My real ones who love me, are incredible, and help fill the loss from mom.
Will I say the St. Michael prayer, or the Jesus prayer, for Ian? Or do the dome meditation?
I'll have to ask in meditation, ask my teams.
But to protect Anthony, when he was little and they all lived at their parent's house together, I paid for Golden Shields and Removals for every member of that family. Golden shields, from Margaret McCormick, have the golden mesh. I had removals done for these people. And golden mesh that lasts for lifetimes and incarnations. But, it can break from within. And with the negative thinking, and habits like taking in substances to excess, it can weaken and let in dark entities. It just breaks apart. My mom paid for everyone in the family to get it done, too. And I paid for everyone in our family to get the diamond shield, especially with the first surge of Covid. You can do these things without physically asking permission because Margaret and Isabel ask on a soul level. It's kind of like taking out a life insurance policy on someone else and they never know...lol.
That's enough for today.
All my love.
Ross wants me to tell you before I did anything today, right after breakfast, even before my Bible study, I walked for exercise. I need to get back in shape. I did one mile today. It's a start.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
Who want you to experience freedom from the 'Ians' of your world, too!
