Ross has spent the morning with me helping me to come to terms with some deep healing I have been processing the last few days.
Long story short, he asked me to write of it, to describe it, and to share it with you.
I have been healing ten years of my life. My hopes and dreams from eighteen to twenty-eight, when I lived in Berkeley. I had felt a pull, a calling to my old town and my old life. I wanted to see the old sights, and also, to share that part of my story with Anthony. You can’t know me without my Berkeley.
And a big part of those years was the time I spent with my first husband, Mark.
I’m in our old neighborhood now. Some things haven’t changed. Others have. I wanted to feel the air, the fog, to walk the old walks and drive the old drives (there’s a funny noise from the patched potholes, I enjoy remembering it).
Without going into the details, Mark and I were perfectly matched, in temperament, in intelligence, in social background and upbringing. What happened is at some point his parents took him aside, and told him to ‘put his foot down with me’.
He did. He became emotionally abusive, bordering on the physical.
That’s why I left. I wasn’t myself any more, no joy, no spontaneity, only fear of the next outburst.
Ross’ point was that under stress, some hearts open (mine), and some hearts close (Mark’s) in an effort to control their life experiences. Just like buttercups, some are open, and some are closed.
Ross helped me to understand that the happy memories can stay. And the unhappy ones, which naturally grow ‘fuzzy’ as a self-defense, are okay to let go and not remember.
There is one last thing. When I lived here before, from 1988-1990, I was a busy commuter and drove everywhere I had to go. In February of 1990, when I had my pituitary tumor resection and was healing, I began to walk. I walked around the block at first. Then I added a little more distance. I got to know the local shops. The flowers in the yards. To admire the blossoming trees. And to dream of a better life. It was totally new to me, this pace, and I loved it. Ross told me yesterday to act as if yesterday was the first time I was walking in the neighborhood, again. And to make new memories.
I did.
I’ll write more about the trip, later.
This is what he asked me to write for you today.
Clap! Clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
Countdown day: 313
