I couldn't think of a better description of the day.
And the insights.
Today is a formal event with my work. Actually, tonight.
My hair needed some attention, and my hairstylist wasn't available. It's a good thing he wasn't, because when I asked for two days ago, the day when I thought I would have a short day, I had to work.
Yesterday I had a short day, only one easy case. It's not good for the pocketbook, but it's good for the mental health.
I worked on my 'weak spots' yesterday...and it helped me to feel good about myself...as I am overcoming my very mild case of Asperger's with lots and lots of self-love and faith in my guides who too have it and write the books.
I read just a little when I get home. Yesterday they talked about 'levels of friendship', something neurotypical people 'see' and Asperger people 'don't see'. It was a wonderful explanation, and helped me to understand areas where I have been hurt in the past. My mom, in my opinion, lies a lot. She's actually, according to the book, neurotypical. She tells white lies and decides what to tell people so as not to hurt them. She decides for the person. She doesn't use tact and let the person decide for themselves as I would do.
I realized I had to look good for the event, no roots showing, and no frizz, because neurotypical people notice the outside and make judgements about the inside based on how the outside looks. Messy, not put together nicely means 'loser' inside.
The book says the travel guides to the U.S. websites about the cultural expectations were a gold mine to her to understand the 'unwritten rules'...it's true...when you brain is wired a little differently, all it takes is for someone to tell you the rules, and then they begin to make a lot of sense.
Yesterday instead of covering my roots with the kit in fear of people seeing them, I pretended to be Ed, my hairstylist. I took two boxes of kits, each one a little different color--both colors were as close to my own but 'not quite', and I MIXED them! I had extra 'stuff' and put it on everywhere like he does. I waited. I shampooed. I used a new strong conditioner. Then, I did something I never do--I blow dried my hair. I couldn't get it completely shiny and flat like he makes it. But it was a marked improvement over my usual wavy hair that just goes everywhere!
I am pleased with my handiwork.
I know I will never be as good at 'pulling myself together' as my neurotypical sisters. My heart isn't in it, not like my one sister who adores Sephora and all things 'beauty'. It's her hobby!
I'm happy I am learning to make the best of me.
I also have a revelation.
I can go grey if I want to now.
I had been continuing against Anthony's 'mom? why bother? it's ok.' because of the lawsuit. I couldn't look different.
The lawsuit is over. I can if I wish. My friend Lisa G did, she looks beautiful.
Again, a layer of fear is GONE.
I can choose what I want, with total freedom now, either way, and follow my heart.
One of my most painful failures in my life, was when I was in a beauty contest when I was fifteen.
It was the Lakewood Junior Miss contest.
It had been an honor to be nominated from my school.
Looking back, it was Asperger hell for me.
We would meet many times to 'learn the dance routine' over the weeks building up to the contest.
One girl, who was always being helpful, had a sister who had won it. We were wondering why she was sucking up? I saved my best for the performance, not the practice.
My aunt sewed for me my costume, a purple gingham skirt and vest. I wore a tee-shirt under it, and a cowboy hat. We all had to wear the same type of costume.
That was all the help I got.
I was terrified to play the piano because there was a one minute time limit on the talent section. What pieces are that short?! I picked a different talent instead.
And on the day, backstage, my friends had their families primping them--all the contestants had stuff like in the photo above.
I was just me. Alone. I did my best with the hairspray and the curling iron.
But I felt, defeated.
I didn't have the support the other girls had.
Sure, my family was in the audience. They had driven us that night through the thickest fog Long Beach has ever seen.
We just didn't know how it works.
I even lost in the academics portion. That was the part I thought I would win for sure. The girl who went to the Gifted Program and took the bus to the inner city school won.
The reason the girl whose sister had won was so helpful is that she knew that the judges judge the performance NOT at the end, but during practice, and helpfulness counts.
She had inside information.
Am I bitter? No.
Was I a fish out of water in that contest? Yes.
I picked my boy up from his trip to the desert with his class.
He looked the worst I've seen him in a long time.
He looked defeated.
He almost fell asleep in the car.
Several people didn't go on the trip at all due to the bullying. Some of those kids are really mean. The girls are the meanest, so I had thought with the boys he would have been okay.
I took him home.
He wanted to play the video games, not to talk.
I talked with my mentor on the phone, he talks long time, over an hour, but it's good to know someone your entire career. It's worth it.
Afterwards he wanted 'delivery'.
He's a 'room service' kind of guy.
I said no. We are going out.
I took him to a local Indian place, not the fancy one, one he's never been.
Did he ever protest!
But once he got his chicken tikka masala, and rice, he was a new person.
We came home, and I had us watch Little Miss Sunshine on Netflix/Google Watch. We got it for ninety-nine cents.
Little Miss Sunshine won academy awards about ten years ago.
I laughed so hard the first time I watched it.
I laughed even more this time.
The sting from being written up by the Labor and Delivery nurses for my not changing the station when Super Freak was on the radio during a c-section still is there...years after the write up. How can anyone keep track of all that?! LOL. And keep the patient safe too? (massive bleeding from uterine dystonia can happen immediately after the delivery of the baby, I have oxytocin in hand, and plan B on my cart)...
Little Olive Hoover was a runner up in the Albuquerque Little Miss Sunshine contest. But the winner stepped down. In the movie Olive and her dysfunctional family take a road trip to a beach town in California.
She wanted to win.
Here she was, with straight hair, and glasses, with very little makeup, competing against --you know what those kid beauty contests are like--professional contestants!
At the end, the family finds resolution to their conflicts, and they support the girl who is being thrown off the stage for dancing a stripper version of Super Freak as her 'talent'.
It's funny, and it made Anthony laugh his head off after the time spent with the class.
He enjoyed the hikes and the rock climbing. He just got upset when it was bedtime. He wanted to sleep, and the kids kept talking.
He also had forgotten/decided not to take my advice--warmer clothes for night. All he had was a sweatshirt hoodie over his tee. He was freezing at night and in the early morning when they got up.
The sleeping bag was warm though. There were eight boys to the tent.
The teachers are good, and I don't think the subtle bullying is really detectable.
But at bedtime Anthony told me all the details of the trip.
All in all the nature and fresh air was worth it, even though his classmates were 'themselves'.
I was proud of him though. The autistic boy, the son of a veterinarian who is very kind, wanted to go to a certain restaurant on the drive there, and Anthony chose to go with him because he couldn't go by himself. They had to be pairs.
Anthony wouldn't have done that before.
I'm proud of him.
Being an Asperger daughter--undiagnosed--of a neurotypical mom is hard.
Neurotypical people make promises they don't keep.
One of them was the ruby ring my mom had promised me, hers she wore while I was growing up.
I showed it once to a neighbor/friend, Carol Dean, while we were cleaning the house for mom while she was getting her kidney transplant. I told her it was going to me.
Carol took it. Carol is neurotypical. She lies too.
My mom couldn't find it after she came home, and she said it had been stolen.
Carol's husband Ed is a detective. Been in the police for years. Who would ever believe us?
My mom later broke off the friendship for about ten years, since Carol did something mean to her--mom didn't believe me about the ring.
Now they are friends again.
I know Carol took it. I felt her energy when I showed it to her, it's wasn't love and high vibration. She wanted it.
My mom bought me a ruby ring from Stauer. They are created rubies. Brilliant, but fake. I appreciated the thought.
My dad had a problem with a ruby ring.
His father had worn one his whole life.
When his father died, it was given to my cousin, not my dad, the only son.
My grandmother was angry at my dad, and boy did he feel it.
My mom bought him a ruby ring, to make up for it. A real one.
But when dad died, she gave it to Anthony's cousin. That's right, Anthony is named after my father, and the last person to carry on the family name, and she gave the ring to his COUSIN.
Fortunately, Anthony was too little to know or care about the ring.
I've lost three pieces of jewelry that were important to me.
The first was my Italian gold cross and charms (a 13 in a horseshoe with a clover, and something from the space program) a classmate Glenda Varney and her sister tricked me to take off so I could swim in their pool. It was the cross my mom gave me so I wouldn't have nightmares. The charms were from her being good at her work. I always miss it. It was irreplaceable.
The second was my gold bracelet from Italy my grandmother had bought me, and it fell off during P.E. in junior high. I combed the grass on my hands and knees looking for it. I'm sure someone picked it up. I felt like I was so irresponsible!
The third, was the ruby ring I was to inherit, and I opened my mouth to the wrong person...
I have to forgive myself.
And accept myself.
Like they said in the movie, Frank (played by Steve Carrell) says to Duane, at the end of a pier while talking about life, 'Marcel Proust was a loser. He couldn't hold down a job. But he could write. And what he said was that --looking back--the miserable times were the best times in his life because that's what made him who he is, the person he is...'
It's true.
Now I am responsible. And understand loss. And I understand neurotypical people like Carol, and can forgive her as well as myself. Mom, too.
Sometimes it's the little things, the everyday things, that 'get' to us, which give us our best lessons.
Ross
The dinner function tonight is a fundraiser.
Carla always brings Anthony.
He says it's the best meal he's ever had in his whole life.
The social gathering, which she is welcome, pains her.
There's no 'me'.
There's no partner to introduce to her friends.
There's no one to whirl her on the dance floor (they always leave before the dancing).
There's no one to tap her foot lightly against under the table, on my shoe.
Carla carries on.
Bravely. For her, to love and be loved publicly is a good thing.
To have a husband and Twin who is invisible to others, one who is in Spirit and is very real, enough that others and Anthony can talk to him, is a consolation...at best...and a suffering all of its own when people 'pair up for social gatherings' on Earth.
Carla is incarnate.
Carla has needs, emotional ones.
And I do my best to support her in all she does.
But this time! (holds one finger up--ed)
This time, Carla noticed the feeling of loneliness in her heart, of dread of the social event, and ASKED for my support!
She asked, and I quote, 'Ross? Will you come?'
I told her I will.
My energy will be to her right side the entire event.
Carla knows and trusts in me, that I keep my word (I am NOT 'neurotypical'. I am not Asperger either. I am Galactic, and a Galactic always keeps their word. There are no tricks. Ever.)
I will help lift Carla's sorrow, and carry her through, as only her Twin can.
Carla always enjoys her friends, and is thankful they don't judge, and they accept Anthony as her guest. It's not that they are mean to her, although some may talk about her behind her back, she doesn't know. She's been taking Anthony since he was tiny, and he's grown so much people understand she is trying to socialize him, teach him important skills, and help him to value fundraising for a cause. They 'get' that.
What Carla doesn't know, or even realize, is that her 'plight' is a 'lesson' about the 'status quo' which in its own way is just as powerful as how the movie Little Miss Sunshine shows how sick and pedophile-esque the whole child beauty contest scene is!
Carla shows how society can have the Divine Feminine exist outside the social norms, and still be accepted.
That is part of her assignment, but she didn't know it.
I know perhaps the time Carla cried most bitterly in this incarnation, not when Jared left her while she was pregnant--for that was in shock!--but it was at Babies Are Us when she was registering for her shower. There was a spot there on the form for the father. And she didn't have anyone to share the joy of preparing for new life with her! She had to go into the bathroom and compose herself.
But she carried on and continued.
Now she knows lots of women have babies alone. She is in good company. And over half of all children are raised with divorce and have two homes like Anthony, and that is okay!
Love is love. And people do the best they can.
And I have a secret.
Carla doesn't know when I will come to her, for reals, where everyone can see me like the hand in front of your face when you hold your own hand up to look at it. THAT real. That obvious.
But I do.
Shhhh! It's a secret!
Clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple
