Yesterday I felt like a little girl, and due to the stress I went back to my habit I learned in Berkeley when I was overwhelmed with stress while recovering from newly-diagnosed PTSD. So the lesson I am going to share is about being human, it's perfectly okay to be human, and sometimes we have physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs.
I've been operating on a very high functioning, low self-care mode ever since I got into medical school. There's simply no time... I'm a bit of a tomboy, it's okay, I don't need to primp and get that last hair in place. But sometimes it's tough.
Yesterday I had only one case.
My surgeon had experienced achilles tendon rupture. He warned me to be very careful and honor the pain, and to get a heel insert to shorten the stretch on it. So I went to a local drug store after the case.
It was magical. Almost empty. I went through the whole store.
I found other things I needed too. Like a new pot and a little wheel thing to rest it on for our first Christmas tree which has grown a lot. Spirit had showed me to make this as a backup plan for our tree next year. They said to help it grow straight and trim it into shape. It was very heavy, but I did it and it looks wonderful (rain is coming).
But then, after the store, where I bought some aura acacia geranium and other bath things, which are my favorites..and I bought a cute duck rain gauge and a gnome on a spring on a mushroom so it wobbles, and an As Seen On TV personal cooler for Anthony...I went somewhere else. To the Hallmark store.
Part of growing up in Southern California, part of the culture for people my age, is going to the Hallmark store. I still have stickers in a box, my friends and I used to collect them. And the wax seal stamps that screwed on to the little stick for your letters, many things. I needed stationery. Ours is very old and I can't find it. You would be surprised at how small the actual space is allocated in the store to letters and letter-writing. It's only one shelf.
What I learned is that growing up here, you like cute things, and also, people help you to get a discount. The clerk at the drug store signed me up and many things ended up being half price! And the one at the Hallmark store, she stopped me in my car and got my new address so I can get the coupons by mail to save money. She had bought the same little flags to hang in front of the house that I did, and commented on how she loved Valentine's day too.
If that wasn't enough, Ross had me go out to lunch at a place near our home.
It was a nice place, a local pub, and I had a lobster pie and a glass of sauvignon blanc. Gently he is getting me used to doing activities alone, in preparation for when Anthony goes off in the world to do his thing, and leaves home.
Yesterday was a day of very intense and much needed self-care, for myself, my home and my family. Before I picked up Anthony from school, Ross insisted I buy myself two pairs of pants and a sweater from LLBean. I bought one pair of their pants on sale, and it's been so delightful to look modern and not be wearing Anthony's old hand-me down jeans.
Which brings me to a major point about my ankle...and my toe... it's a red chakra issue. The ability to survive, to feel like you are worth keeping alive, like you deserve to be alive and take up the space you are taking.
I've had issues with it in my toe, and I've been hoping year after year for Ascension and my toe to get better. Now with my achilles, the whole foot is worse.
Right foot sends.
So I've been having pain because I feel like it's really difficult to support myself and Anthony, I keep reverting back to what I grew up with--being poor and hearing stories of when my dad grew up in the depression in Roxbury, in Boston--and cutting back. Cutting back so much I didn't buy myself a single Christmas present. Cutting back so much I was ready to eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch at home yesterday and not thinking twice about it.
Spirit told me I need to continue to work just enough to keep the 'doctor' in DWR. More things are coming.
But being able to receive from Spirit is important. We can't manifest just yet out of thin air for all of our needs. Meditation is wonderful up to a point. Then you have to go back to everyday life.
Long story short, it's okay to be human.
It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to slow down your spiritual growth a little and take a rest.
It's okay to crave and seek comfort in the material world until your rest is over.
Dinner last night was superb. We had chicken piccata from Trader Joe's and I made my first risotto ever. I had a container of arborio rice I'd been meaning to cook for ages. I didn't have the fennel like in the recipe book. So I improvised with arugula and lemon and garlic. It wasn't bad. Low on salt but otherwise good when you put lots of cheese on it. I had the tahini salad from Trader Joe's and a warm baguette (their organic one) in the oven. It was very, very nice. I was pleased with how it turned out.
The rains are coming. I have a funeral to go to for my uncle Farris today. Lots of driving. Thankfully, I have an ace wrap, and ankle brace, the heel lifts, and time. Someone is covering for me today so I can go. Not all day, but for most of it.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
