Ross is delighted with the title. I came up with it. He is absolutely thrilled, and rubbing his hands with delight.
He has an awesome sense of humor. I wish more people had the opportunity to enjoy it.
Anyhow, it all started the day I wrote the last blog post on I think, Wednesday.
I had a short day at work.
On the drive home, I felt a 'nudge' to go stop by the old crystal shop, the one I've visited off and on for twenty-one years, ever since I moved to the area. It's one more by the ocean, and my friend who owns the other crystal store just bought it and flipped it.
I wanted to support it.
I have had the funny feeling ever since he told me of the flip that I was going to be working there, but I wasn't sure how. Just a feeling.
So I went.
I was delighted to see it back the way it used to be, with the fireplace. I looked eagerly to the room in the back in the corner that once was the library of old used books. I was greeted by a smiling worker who knew me but I sort of remembered her. Familiar, yes, and I enjoyed her but not a firm memory of her. She gave me 'the tour' and it was delightful of the work that had been done.
In the old library was a reader at a table. She told me some 'spa' spiritual equipment was going to go in there. And also, the first worker showed me the patio, and how there are plans--to flip it too.
She looked at me and asked me if I would like a reading?
I don't do readings. Not for me. I find them, um, unsatisfying. I used to go to them to look for love, and I would be told 'to wait' and I got tired of spending my money so frivolously.
I knew I had been sent to 'support' so I said of course, and asked how much time would be appropriate?
It's two dollars a minute, and twenty-five minutes for fifty dollars she thought 'would be right'.
I liked her, I didn't mind her energy, and I thought it couldn't hurt.
So that's how I met Nila.
I asked her about her case for her tarot cards? It had the symbol for Earth on it, with different colors in the quadrants. It was cloth but rigid and looked handmade. A friend had made it for her many years ago. I apologized for touching it without remembering that some tarot readers don't like anyone to touch their cards. She said it wasn't any problem, and I knew she meant it.
I asked about the deck?
I recognized it. It was a Spider Woman deck--one I've seen a long time ago and tried to buy online because it's not made any more. Very Native American. The cards aren't big, either.
Nila is Scottish, I think, with a fedora hat and long salt and pepper (heavy on the salt) waving hair. She wore a simple tee and a skirt. She looks you in the eyes, but not too much, and she has done this for a long time.
She asked me what I wanted to know?
I told her I don't know, I do readings for myself, but I've given it up because I find it easier to just go with the flow of my life lessons. After all, I don't have much control over it, really.
She laughed. Here I was in my scrubs, sharing I'm like her. And she laughed because she too hasn't done any readings for herself for years, for the same reason! She said more and more people are coming to her now who are 'awake' and it's refreshing for her to do more 'awake' readings. She said, 'basically all religions and philosophies are nothing more than a mind fuck when it comes right down to it, you know?'
We decided, 'lets just see what comes up?'
The LOSS.
I was told once early in my awakening, in the 1990's in San Diego, by my acupuncturist Richard Gold, who had told me I needed to talk to Christel (here's her book:
Diary of a Medical Intuitive: One Woman's Eye-Opening Journey from No-Nonsense ER Nurse to Open-Hearted Healer and Visionary
Aug 23, 2008 by Christel Nani RN $4.99 on Kindle)
The first thing SHE saw on me was like my heart chakra had been blown out as if by a nuclear bomb--and she asked me questions about my 'mother'. I wasn't sure to disclose my talking to Blessed Mother, since the priests I went to for help like the kids in Fatima did told me to go to the Psychiatrist--(All Hallows said to go to the University one who told me to go to the shrink and all were terrified of me)...why wasn't Christel psychic enough to tell? Right? So I sort of shut down.
All these years, no improvement.
Sigh.
Nila asked me if there's anything going on in my life?
I told her medicine is changing so much I hate it, but I have to work.
She said, 'ah, so the creativity in you, and your emotions, it's like emotionally you are dying?'
Yes.
She saw my future looked good.
She said, 'you have anything you are involved with?'
I explained to her, this, the bracelets, Reiki, the basics.
She said, 'you know you have everything to succeed, don't you. It's all inside. What's holding you back?'
That's when things started to get interesting.
I told her the energies of some people--most notably my cousin's wife who I made the bracelet for their anniversary--are so low they REALLY pull me down and throw me off my game. How can I be exposed to more of it? If I go to heal publicly, all comers will come, and even though I have my energy shields...I still FEEl it. Then there's those who lean on me so much, and don't want to do their own work. They want me to do it for them. That feels icky too!
I challenged her and asked, 'how can YOU do it?!'
That's when she set down the cards and leveled with me.
It's just information from Spirit she gives. She has NO attachment to how the people take it. They want the information? She provides it. For a fee.
Yes there are some people who are like, dark and heavy, and it's like you went into a very low vibration place like a bar. Some of them stick with you, but as you get used to it, it's not a problem. You just go home and take a salt bath. Your vibration is so high its' going to just flick off all that 'stuff' eventually.
She leaned in and said, 'you just have to get over yourself, that's all'.
She advised me that most people have a victim mentality, and that no one is coming to save you. No lover. No 'space people'. Only YOU can save YOURSELF.
The other thing is, 'are you ready to face your Boogeyman?' Most 'victims' go away after a few readings because they don't want to do the work on healing and releasing.
I was like, 'I can do that'
She said, 'You can't be judging people -- everyone will take the information as best as they can (I had asked her about all the cheaters who go to psychics and how depressing it is to KNOW what people are 'really like'). She said you have to go 'up to a place of observation over the whole thing, and then it brings up COMPASSION. It doesn't have to drag you down. Buddha and Jesus wouldn't judge. That's because they were on that observation 'level' where they were able to perceive things but not get emotionally or spiritually brought down by them. They acted out of compassion.'
That was when I had the hunch the whole meeting wasn't by accident, it was 'arranged' by my guides (Ross?) and I was thankful to have the chance to talk. She also suggested I read, 'Power versus Force' by David L. Hawkins. I ordered it.
Ross had me search the store for a small gift.
It's a stone Unakite with the word Forgiveness on it. He said never to let it leave my person.
I haven't.
Well, until now where I had to find it. The whole being on call thing kind of messed me up.
On the drive home from Nila--whom, by the way, the clerk at the store said, she and her daughter have a saying. 'You know how they say, 'what would Jesus do? WE say, 'what would Nila do!' and she laughed and she laughed a warm, kind, compassionate laugh.
I remembered.
I started sobbing uncontrollably.
I remembered Ross' hand, limp and lifeless in the tomb as I prepared the body for burial.
I picked it up, and let it go, and FLOP it fell. I did it again, and again, and I sobbed like I have never sobbed before or since.
Then I did my job. I saw it, with my memory, how my hands worked.
I asked Ross, 'WHY?!' from my soul.
Why would a brutal murder have anything to do with saving anyone?
Why to him? Why to us?
Ross was near, and very tender, and carefully measured his words. He made himself shorter--not sure if kneeling or bending but enough to look me in the eye.
He said, 'Carla, I would NEVER do it again! I would never leave you and my family helpless and alone like that. I promise.'
I felt he meant it.
I asked about the saving? All the coming back? All the stuff I've been taught? That it sounded fishy, like Osiris to me.
Ross didn't say anything.
And the PEOPLE!
I showed him my pain in my heart at how all the people who he served turned on him like that. How could I ever love them?! The betrayal!
He showed me the ones who arranged it, who incited the crowds, and I saw for the first time, how it kept ME from continuing his work with a full heart--not just because of my life on the line--but because the illusion of betrayal was so convincing to me. But it wasn't. The people--are what they are--from that vantage point of observation.
It was good to grieve the loss again, as this layer healed, and to trust in Ross' promise to me.
Then I showed him how awful it was to prepare his body for burial. How ugly to see it, how it left marks on my soul...
And he said, 'As Gamaliel, you didn't have a body to prepare and to mourn--and at least this time you had with me.'
I recalled the time Melchizidek willed me to go to the afterlife with him, and I was entombed alive with his corpse, and how dark, and stagnant the air was in that tomb, as I spend my last days awaiting death. That wasn't good too...
So I accepted Ross' wisdom as this outcome between us in our most recent incarnation was an improvement, of sorts, but still a terrible loss and a burden on my soul which has taken me incarnation after incarnation to heal...
In that life, Ross and I were extremely close. As Tabitha, the widow of Gamaliel--Ross' birth was then night my husband was murdered. I was a midwife, and he took me to 'something special'. I assisted with a birth of a baby boy. It was like guards in the streets and don't go out at night. I knew I was a Jewish slave and Gamaliel worked with some Resistance I had rather he hadn't. We got caught on the walk home, we split directions, and they killed him, but not me.
Five years later, I reincarnated in Ross' village. I was the first baby he ever held, and I looked at him with full awareness as a soul, and he 'felt' something in recognition but he couldn't place it. (Gamaliel is reincarnated as Ross--my soul twin all three times, even as Melchizidek).
I totally looked up to him.
That's why his death was so difficult for me. Here was the sure and steady hand that fixed my broken dolls and toys, a crafter's hand, motionless and lifeless!
He 'got' that part of the grief this time, and gave me extra energy to soothe me. If you are ever crying your eyes out, and you can't stop, but somehow without realizing it, you do, and don't know what happened, it's your guardian angel doing their job to help you out when the lessons get too rough.
Once I began to train with Ross--I didn't know we were 'chosen' but we were--he taught me deep spiritual things. Many things. I also learned from my teachers--his mom was a big one. It was like a school we went to but not during the day. I can barely remember, it's fuzzy.
Sometime between training and our marriage, Ross gave me something. I know what it is, I don't want to say more than it was a small object.
I was to always carry it with me, and never let it leave.
No one ever knew.
It carried his life force. A little piece, like yeast, but in this object. My job was to always have it with me 'just in case'.
As I prepared the body, I took this object, and I did as he had told me to do, for almost all of my life.
I placed it in his mouth and finished the burial preparations.
I had thought it would be instant. I knew it was magical. I knew magic. The white kind.
But the hand kept flopping lifelessly every time I picked it up and let go.
I thought it wasn't working.
I wrapped him up in his shroud as was our custom.
I pulled myself together, and left my Beloved cold, but otherwise as cleaned and cared for and anointed, with all the love I had ever held for him, in my heart.
It worked.
The rest is just history.
And a lot of healing for me.
Twenty years and I'm still walking around with that big hole in my heart.
I've spent most of the last week with my head on Ross' chest. He's promising me he won't die on me again. And my relaxing and learning it's okay to 'let go'.
I forgive myself for being a terrible housewife--our house is so messy here.
I forgive myself for my faults.
It's not easy but I forgive myself for being in a lawsuit (truly, it just means I've been at my career 'long enough' and I have to trust in my counsel who is representing me)
I forgive myself for not being 'Ross'. How for example, I was at the baseball game on Star Wars night, and I could SEE for the first time the love present in the crowd, parents for children, fans for the game, players for fans, it's really not hidden! Then I call someone with the 'I'm not spoiled my husband just loves me' license plate frame who cuts in front of me leaving the park, 'yes you ARE spoiled, and you're a total bitch too!' loud enough for Anthony to hear me...it's like one step forward and two back, right?
I've done a lot of thinking, and I'm ready for the future. New job. People figuring out who I am. Whatever.
I won't tell anyone, ever, not in writing or by talking.
Everyone has to figure it out for themselves. In their heart.
I know in mine I am ready to help whoever needs the help--again--like Nila--with information. With energy exchange (if I don't have time to do my job any more to support myself, if I switch to this). And with above all, observation from the place where I have compassion instead of judgement, just like Buddha, Nila, and Jesus do.
About my work?
The stress levels are unreal.
A travel scrub tech went into ventricular tachycardia on Wednesday because the plastic surgeon was so mean to have a 'new face' in the room. She went straight to the ER after my colleague evaluated her.
The asian, lighthearted eye surgeon I worked with heard of the news, and chirped that a male scrub tech had a cardiac event from one day working with her! A heart attack! She thought it was funny!
I told an RN between cases two months ago she didn't look good, I was concerned, she was acting funny and making mistakes and not really herself? She had me take her pulse. She had gone into atrial fibrillation again. I told her to go to the ER, better now, we would find someone for the next case, than for her to get sick in the middle of a case.
My mom's urologist told her he took a tour of Italy, and he couldn't believe how the doctors there get respect! They do three or four cases a day, and then go out and have fun. Since it's government paid, people know they aren't out there for the money. So the public respects them.
My friend the OB Gyn who trained with me in residency, stopped doing OB. She actually now hates it. And when she stopped, her malpractice insurance rates dropped in half. That's like, from 75K to 37K a year. (did you know an electronic medical record system costs like 35K a year?) She hardly makes anything, but she knows her daughter needs her, and frankly, if she didn't need the money she would be out of medicine completely.
My friend the lady urologist told me she had a 'week where she wasn't sleepy at all, she just stayed up late at night watching TV'...recently she accepted a position as staff urologist at a neighboring hospital because they pay for her overhead. She works crazy hours, night and day now. But she wants to put away for her kid's school and for her retirement. She has a plan, how much a month to put away, and by age sixty two, she's ready to quit. (I don't think her health will stay good, at this pace, to make the goal age).
I realized myself, most anesthesiologists slow down around my age. And they retire by 62. Pilots--mandatory--at 60. Some anesthesiologists keep going in their eighties and nineties! But not many.
My friend the ER nurse isn't allowed to eat during her twelve hour shifts. It's in her contract.
It's really sad.
On the other hand, my patients and their families love me. The nurses who normally don't see me, tell me how my bedside manner is impressive, the way I sit in the chair, near the bed, and am open and relaxed and really set the patient and their family at ease.
That being said, I go where I go.
My tummy trouble is better, the chills have almost stopped. I have a bad cough. I got dizzy walking to the ballpark from the car. Today it's a little better. But I haven't been able to climb the stair at work--I opt for the elevator which I normally don't. I'm taking Monday off to go talk to my doctor about it.
I also want to sleep now.
I've seen a lot on YouTube. It's really helped. Everything from the autistic lady who engineers ramps for cattle at the slaughterhouse so they don't get scared...to music lyrics I heard on the radio I thought might have some relevance for this work...to the test where I found out I'm really high functioning Aspergers, most likely (hmmmm that explains things) ...thankfully the autistic famous lady speaker with the very unusual name...says, 'we need all kinds of brains'...it helped me a lot.
We need all kinds of souls too, for that matter. <3
77picklehead is my Youtube channel.
It's not commercialized. But if you want to know what I know, just look in the Truthseeking folder for things I've tagged.
xo
Ross
Our friend and fellow VW bus 'enthusiast' Aaron Dass Harris approached Carla with the face of a new friend.
Carla recognized it at once, but wanted to check for sure on the identity.
It was the man who organized the deception, both for Carla with our new baby whom she was told who had 'died', and with my demise.
This was the one who dastardly put up another to 'take the fall' and the 'suicide' which followed was one of the first instances of 'star whacking'.
(he rubs his hands together, as if to say, 'enough said')
Thank you our friend Bartholomew for always taking care of Carla with your candles--the ones you made for me--and for your gentleness and kindness to her.
We have many friends and for this we are blessed!
And this Carla, is why our friend Peter never was drawn to your circle.
He was a betrayer, all the way around, in everything.
But where I am now, in Compassion and Observation, even he too, I can love.
I'm sorry, Carla.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc couple
