Yesterday was a healing day.
I knew it was on the schedule the minute I learned the day before that I would have the day off.
I didn't know if it would be painful, or not, but I was a good sport about it, and understood the importance of it in my schedule. So, I let go, and trusted Ross.
In my meditation, Ross took me to the time I was about one, when I was a Carrie the Hungarian babysitter's house. Carrie was alcoholic.
I was in the crib, beside myself, crying and crying to get her attention. I was hungry this time, but other times I was like this I was wet or cold. I was in the crib for way longer than most babies should be in a crib, this wasn't 'nap time'. It was like, 'most of the day'.
Mom and Dad paid Carrie well, everything she asked for, and also paid extra for my milk to drink.
This was milk that she gave more to her sons than for me.
I felt the feelings.
They weren't nice.
Finally she came, with alcohol on her breath, and helped me. That's where I learned to associate that smell with 'everything is going to be okay'...that's not a good thing for a baby to learn.
Ross, after a while, had me look at the situation differently from the abuse and neglect.
He pointed out my little body was strong, and it didn't die! That was something to give me credit for.
I also learned to speak fluent Hungarian in the process because I would do anything to get the attention of that horrible woman.
It's hard to explain it, but looking at the situation with Ross really helped me feel better and helped me put it in the past behind me.
Then came the interesting part.
Ross called forth the soul of Carrie to talk to me.
She didn't want to come.
I was angry.
I asked her, 'why didn't you feed me?'
She winced like I had struck her with a whip. In Spirit, words are like that, thought words, because of the intuition and the Truth truly cuts like a sword.
She couldn't look at me.
She started crying because of her bad choices.
She never answered me because we both knew why, and how she never stopped.
Carrie was taken away.
Ross also gave me credit for hanging in there and for somehow putting a stop to it. My parents were able to suspect, and then figure it out, the lies that Carrie had told, and what had truly happened with me.
I had gone to Carrie from Nana Angelina because I guess I was too much work for Nana.
Once older, I was able to go back to Nana.
I remembered how, even though Nana didn't interact with me much--I had so much time on my own while she cleaned the house--she did feed me, bathe me, and would rock me to sleep for my nap. The structure was there, and I was grateful for this.
It's a mixed bag. If I had never been baby sat, I wouldn't have been traumatized by preschool (other children aren't kind, they don't share toys, and teachers just go through the motions), I wouldn't have been raped at age four, and I wouldn't have been neglected by an alcoholic babysitter.
But if I had been with my mom, who was angry and full of hatred over our being poor, and the neighbors being too close to our house so she could hear them use the toilet, and being on diet pills that fueled her rage--I'd have suffered worse. At home there was no escape. Mom was nice to me, as long as she was working and someone else was watching me. Once she got pregnant with my sister, and she was born, mom turned into a wild animal I never knew could have been inside her.
So, for the rest of the day, at home, I didn't think about the 'healing'. I just did what I needed to do. And I was surprised at the end of the day, how well I did with functioning, even in the emotional support for Anthony and his friend who came for lunch. I've known his friend for ages, and there was one more final yet for the friend. So I asked him, when they were sitting on the couch playing video games, 'would you like to hold our bunny rabbit?'
He was like, YES!
And she took a liking to him, he was very gentle, and got to enjoy her warm softness. After a while, he and Anthony let her hop on the floor. And fed her a carrot. She was happy and never made a mess.
Ross showed to me, I could be a mom, the important kind, who is loving and gives support and substance to others.
Even when the friend forgot his backpack at our home, and I had to drive back from Anthony's dentist to go open the door and get it for him. Patient, calm, and upbeat.
I sure have come a long way from my early beginnings!
Ross is a good teacher.
Be sure to let your guides and Ross help you heal when it is offered to you. You won't regret it.
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Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Wonder Workers
