This is what it looks like outside my window right now. Stormy, with the wind blowing the trees back and forth. The rain is pouring down.
I should have been at work. I had promised this day. But at the moonlighting place, the schedulers don't talk so much among themselves. I had given this week up for them to allow someone to take vacation, at least, four days in a row.
When I heard about the incoming storm, and I thought of my long drive, my heart sank.
Somehow things have a way of working out. They always work out. Here I am warm inside, having slept well, with turtle beside me so sleepy for winter in her terrarium, basking in the light for warmth.
This article here speaks volumes along the lines for what I had alluded to in my last blog post: medicine is on shaky ground and no one seems to be talking about it. By 'medicine' I mean, 'health care delivery'. In some states, medicine has officially be 'taken over' by the military because of the presence of the National Guard inside the hospitals to replace the lost, unvaccinated workers. It has been said that those who carried out the orders in WW2 Germany were the doctors. This makes sense as they have been rewarded by 'the system' and are highly invested in it. Remember too the goals of the Georgia Guidestones. Over seventy world-class athletes have succumbed to cardiac sudden events, some fatal, worldwide. There are advertisements for conditions we never had before on the television, for atrial fibrillation and blood clots, making these conditions household words. I'm grateful for my patients and the ability to practice still. I know it's not a given in my state. Mask mandates are going into effect again.
Ross doesn't say to leave.
He says John 8:12, "Again therefore, Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. He who follows me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life."
This is very personal, but I'm going to talk to you about my emotional state the last two days.
It wasn't good.
I was fortunate to have a bath to start both days. Today no, but yesterday and the day before, yes.
It hasn't been easy with the holidays, and my relatives who used to do Christmas for us all passed.
I've had the tears just, ever so close to the surface but they won't come out.
I've been pondering my place in the world, and current events, and also, my life situation.
Ross and I have a beautiful relationship...but I've been low because deep inside I can't shake the feeling that if I don't have a Life Partner here in the physical, then something must be wrong with me.
That's why this is so embarrassing to share.
But yesterday, it was a breakthrough. Ross encouraged me to do things I wanted to do, to have a day just for me (instead of beating myself up over the housework that isn't done, and how messy the house is.)
The only chore he said to do was to pick the rest of the apples. The storm was in the air and I knew they would fall themselves from the tree and rot if I didn't. So I have a big crate full, so heavy I can barely lift it. Our apples were good this year. Many were half-eaten by the birds, many more were a little rotten, but most were still good. They have a crisp, bright, wonderful flavor of Fuji apples at the peak of their ripeness. I've made an apple side dish, not too sweet, with them twice before. Some of these I will eat for snacks and others I will juice. It was good to do physical work for forty five minutes to pick them and pick up the ones that had fallen and sort and toss the ones to keep or compost.
I actually was able to run an errand, pick up takeout for our lunch, wash the dishes (there was a sink full), clean the rabbit and her cage, and make dinner. We had spaghetti squash with pesto, and also, a homemade pizza. I put jalapeño slices on the pizza, and it was a hit with Anthony.
By not focusing on the housework, I was able to do more of it peacefully. I even cleaned the downstairs bathroom.
I like to listen to YouTube while I do tasks. And here are three very helpful ones for my situation and these times:
- How I lost 183 Pounds
- This guy is just golden, I watched like five of his videos, and they helped so much.
- A day in the life of a Tibetan Polyandry family, that's right, three husbands and one wife, and their kids. It makes you stop and think about our definition of 'normal' in a big way.
- Pastor Chris talks about what he is experiencing in Korea, which is like here in Los Angeles, or in Germany and other places. No papers/no pass, no entry to restaurants or other venues...
