Your path, your journey through Life is like no other. It is because of your perception, and how you perceive the world that makes you different from everybody else. Part of it is due to your early child experiences, your upbringing with your family, your hopes, your dreams, your challenges and your accomplishments.
Your soul is going to take you on this path, and guide you, as your Higher Self to experience MORE and MORE of Self-Discovery.
There are places only you can go to heal on this healing journey.
Others can provide reassurance, or perhaps help guide a little, but ultimately it is up to you and you alone to work through all the emotions it brings up.
I have had the luxury of a few days off. Last week was a long week with a lot of really hard work, and going to the baseball games with my son.
This week I could catch up. There was one week's worth of dishes in the sink for me to clean up. This is the second time I've had to explain to Anthony how I would clean them if I could, but he was on vacation and I wasn't home. And when the pile gets that old and that bad, we get the little flies in the sink and THAT should tell him to get up off his bottom and do the work I usually do.
For his credit, he emptied the basket of dried dishes and ran the dishwasher. Once. The whole week.
His rationale? He just didn't feel like it.
I'm learning I don't feel like it either lol!
But this week at home was difficult. The home project is taking forever and super expensive (repairing the water damage from the shower and learning why there was damage in the first place.) The shower doors are barn-door, European style so the glass doesn't go all the way to the bottom of the tracks. I've bought tile and had workers here...
But this is like, the usual 'stuff'.
What I want to explain is the deeper, soul-level 'stuff'.
I cried this week. I cried a LOT. Yesterday I was hanging laundry outside and just bawling. I've been so unhappy and uncomfortable. You would think having Ross would make my life a piece of cake? It doesn't.
Why?
Because that loss was such a tragic one, and my soul never processed it. So, energy being what it is, I'm like in intensive learning about Ross, what makes him tick, how he perceives the world, how I perceive the world, and also, the ramifications of my neglect and abuse on my future prospect of happiness in this life.
It's tough.
But, at the same time, it's worth it.
Ross was a difficult soul. He was always putting 'saving the world' before me, his family, before his own health and safety. We are made to be together. And my 'big picture' perspective saw clearly down the road ahead of him where this story was going to end up.
He couldn't.
I have carried a tremendous burden of guilt over not being able to communicate to him effectively enough to intervene and prevent the disaster that happened. I watched the whole thing. I did exactly what he taught me to do. Everything 'worked out' according to the books, to the 'story', but to my heart? It's been ravaged for millennia, and then some...
He couldn't see.
He couldn't see what was so clear to me and possibly to others.
He was all about the feeling and saving each individual and having some overriding purpose, otherwise he would have had no passion to exist, no reason to live.
Back then as now, for me, family is everything. I was devastated at Easter not to be able to be with my family, and having to work. I may experience some joy from my purpose at work (helping others), but it's eclipsed completely by my love and desire to be present for my loved ones.
And if you look at it on a Soul Level, it makes sense that although Ross and I have always been especially close, he would take certain traits that would not be ones I have, and vice-versa. This would account for a lot of pushing buttons. And perhaps a little jealousy on his part over my ease with understanding people and crowds and how they work.
Whatever it is that's in your soul to heal and be released, try to have the courage to always own up to it.
Yesterday, in my misery, I was praying to Jesus and saying I am sorry for my sins, so sorry, I didn't even know what my sins were, but I felt absolutely miserable and I prayed as the only way to perhaps right myself emotionally.
There were tears off and on throughout the day. And I was actively asking Spirit to guide me with all I needed to get done and to help me organize my day.
Because of my abuse, when people say nice things to me, I experience something a little different from most people.
The nice things feel very good. They go right in like a band aid.
But I don't know what to say or how to respond.
Usually the whole experience takes time. Like way longer than most people. Hours, days even.
So when I'm ready to respond, it's like the time has passed.
So I don't say anything. Except perhaps a thank you at the moment.
Isabel Henn offered me an attunement for healing the Inner Child. I accepted it. And it really, really was like a Godsend. I'm not sure how it worked, but as I was receiving the attunement, I heard Spirit say, 'I am going to comfort you.'
I cried the hardest I have cried in years at hearing those words. I haven't been comforted since I was three. I've been trying my best to make it through the world, and it's a tough world out there...from academics, to professional life, to partnership failure after failure after failure, to hard financial times...I remember my sister was given a teddy bear when she was little but no one had ever given anything like that to me. Only hard plastic dolls that weren't much of a comfort to play with.
People have been supportive and kind. One, Ross' best friend, got me through Easter. Saying, 'I'm here' and 'I'm here for you', offering the emotional support. Emotional support is like throwing a bucket of water on the fire.
The 'I am going to comfort you.' is like rebuilding from the ashes.
Both are so needed and helpful.
So if you get a chance, ask Isabel to do that attunement for you, if you've suffered neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse...perhaps even improper touching. For me it was all lumped together. It really helps.
RossI am not an easy one to love.
For I love everyone and everyone loves me.
But nobody, myself included, ever had to create a home life with me.
And for that, it was difficult.
For I couldn't see the home or the treasures, the simple treasures of the heart it did provide! It was just something to do, something that was always there for me, the clean clothes, the food, the ample blankets and warmth that was provided in Winter!
It was not until my deathbed that I SAW once again quiet Clearly how Carla in her love for me, back in this incarnation, gave it her ALL, both mentally and spiritually as well as physically and emotionally, for my support in every interaction that we shared...
I just when I was alive I couldn't SEE it.
It's like my brain didn't work. On some level I saw that all these tasks were being done, with service. But in my mind it was just like a nice fancy hotel, it was part of the package and at fancy hotels that's how it goes with the territory.
I didn't understand I was ignoring Carla's life's work in her loving service to ME.
I wasn't a talker, I didn't make plans, I just WENT. I followed my emotions and where Spirit was guiding me.
I will never forget the tears when I told Carla it was time to leave India, and all our many teachers and friends and our beautiful Life. Carla was silent. She never put up a fight.
'Are you sure?' she asked, and gestured to all of our wonderful home and our many possessions, all of her friendships, her hobbies, and her beloved plants. There were tears in her eyes as she was asking this.
But she never spilled a drop of her tears, never once in front of me, from that day forward.
It was because I had destroyed and uprooted her life one time too many. And she had to obey, as my wife. I never did consult her in anything. In those days she was my property what I could do with on a whim, in the legal sense, even though we were perfectly matched in our spiritual connection! I just couldn't SEE it.
I had replaced her heart and judgment with that of my 'friends', those 'advisors' who fooled me off and on through life as I was 'aspiring to greatness', and it was with great folly I went along with what those people said, instead of consulting my wife who had placed me front and center for so long I really took it for granted. My other half! My one who wanted nothing but the best for me! In every way...
And so it is.
There lies our wound which is in need of the deepest healing possible, a betrayal of sorts. I too have had my healing up in the Higher Realms. And now it is time for Carla.
You too have been through unimaginable life experiences, ones that have tested you to your limit, to your core of your entire belief system. That is what Life on Earth is all about. Imagining the unthinkable, putting it into your Life Script, and then living it without any awareness of what has been put into your Life Plan. Sometimes it just gets too heavy.
I am encouraging Carla in her healing. And I assure you, those tears have been long overdue.
What did she do after crying while hanging up the laundry?
Her attention gently turned to her plants. And Carla started pulling weeds that needed to be pulled. It took her breath away to work at them, it got her fingers covered in soil, and the scent that odor of the dirt helped her to calm and recover...
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Beloved Family
