St. Petersburg Russia May 2 2015: Dmitry Rigin of Russia in 116 final of 41th International fencing tournament St. Petersburg Foil. The tournament is the stage of FIE World Cup
I have been working very hard lately. In everything. Ross is too. Both with me and all of the other things. The expression on Dmitry's face here just perfectly shares how I feel, both inside, and outside.
It is also very cold here. We don't have great insulation like they do in colder climates. The temperature is like 8 C now, and inside it's not a whole lot warmer. Yesterday at work, it was so very cold in the O.R. (61F, 16 C) that I had to put on double layers of scrubs, both top and bottom.
You would think Ascension would be all rainbows and butterflies and unicorns, but it's not. The full moon always has me working late, not sure why, but it's a pattern...and yesterday after helping tie a surgeon's gown to help him, I caught my ankle in a loop of electric cord from something that was plugged in, and fell down hard. I hurt both my knees and twisted my ankle. It was surreal. Definitely surreal to see two of my coworkers in full nurse mode coming to help me and wrap ice with ace wraps around my injured parts. It's funny because a nurse fell, and took a week off work, but for me, I just kept my feet up on another stool and kept charting the whole time my patient was under anesthesia. Fortunately it wasn't worse, and I'm not too sore today. That's why I didn't make a Reiki request.
I'm glad my friends knew how to take care of me.
This isn't for sympathy.
It's actually a surprise to find that late last night, in the dead of night, when I went to the ER I got the same thrill I used to get when I was a volunteer back in Children's ER in downtown Oakland.
I was happy.
I was actually happier and more content with the crazy hustle and bustle of the very sick than I am when I am under more controlled conditions.
I felt my soul.
And also, there for a few moments, I felt happiness while I was talking with my patient. Most of the time I'm in a hurry and I can't really TALK talk. But this one I asked, 'besides this problem you are here for for surgery, do you have anything else?' And she was candid. There was a psychiatric diagnosis she didn't really feel she had but she shared it.
When there is that openness between doctor and patient, healing can begin. I haven't had my heart open like that since I got sued. And all it took was sharing how my mother hated her support group when she was on dialysis, she didn't want to go, but in the long run and especially after her transplant, it was the one thing that made a difference to her. She kept going, to inspire the rest! I encouraged the patient to find like-minded people, who may have insight on how to better live with the disease. She said she didn't want it to be (basically a 'pity party' or downer') that's why she didn't go, but the disease was really starting to affect her life and it was getting depressing.
That's the real stuff.
What pills you've had, what surgeries you've had, and how the anesthetic went the last time are more superficial.
I like being real, and I absolutely adore it when my patients are candid and direct. That's the whole reason I studied so hard for all this time...
For updates on people in the hospital you might have heard about but not in a while, Dr. Bret is working but mostly as an assistant, and still being followed by Stanford for his pancreatic cancer where they got most of it but not all. My friend Khiem isn't looking so good. He's still working and doing excellent work. But the chemo/treatments are doing something to his skin--his face has many breakouts and the coloring isn't so good. I'm so glad I put it 'out there' with him about my being a medium. That way if anything happens we both won't have any regrets.
I used to work by Livermore, in Pleasanton, when I was working as an engineer after college and before medical school. Many of my colleagues lived there. Livermore was part of the Manhattan Project I think, like Los Alamos and Lawrence Berkeley Lab. Many of the transuranium elements were created/discovered there.
I was happy to see this photo for the countdown of 116.
The juxtaposition is, no matter how anxious and impatient I get for the sleepers to awaken--come on it's only 116 days left!--on my own life lesson (get rid of your stuff) I've stretched it out to fifteen years!
It wasn't until 'Goodbye Things' by a Japanese Author whose name I don't have on the top of my head--I started reading it last night--and his sharing from his heart that I saw I was living a maximalist life for sure. Even today, I had trouble finding the nutcracker when I wanted to open some pistachios I'd kept in the package because I couldn't crack them open with my fingers at lunch.
Right there in the O.R. when I was reading, I started tossing things. Journals. Things I thought I might share but I'm not going to get all bogged down in that stuff here. Even the Brain Science one I had bought, and was reading for mistakes/TWDNHOBIAH untruths. It's just not fun to read and it's not going to make much difference.
Ross was so happy he kissed me. Right then and there. When the author said, 'throw something away now' I went to town. And Ross was very pleased.
Things come because we are separate, we don't like it, and temporarily they give us a spark of joy and excitement and connection. It doesn't last. And also, sometimes it is hard to part with things because of the time in our life we enjoyed them. That's me. I never really have time to enjoy any point in my life because I work so much. But the stress of maximalist living is wearing me down.
My goals in the new home are simple. Cook. Clean. Read. Garden. Build jigsaw puzzles. And of course, work.
Today I went through the cupboard where I keep my bowls and baking pans. I was able to throw out a huge box of things I will never use. The ones I kept do spark joy!
It is so hard for me to leave the memories, to leave the dreams I once had that never were fulfilled, and to part with my 'stuff'. I die a thousand deaths that Ross asks this of me. And I know it's not just from this incarnation that the dread is so strong and persistent.
If you are one of the people who have been sent here to awaken others, or to be of service to them--and you feel like it is taking forever...well...I feel that way too, and often. But, and this is a really important point here, it might be more productive to make use of the time you have left before Ascension to straighten out your own 'lessons' and 'places for improvement' in your soul. Like anyone, I wanted the instant, easy, so much better solutions to just fall out of the sky! I really did. And I did my clearing and releasing of what came up.
But there was always this elephant in the room. My clutter.
I don't want to live like that.
I know up in our home on the NJ, Ross and I have a very sleek and stylish home. I might as well start heading in that direction a little early so it won't be a total cultural shock for me.
My start is to get rid of duplicates, and things that have holes or are broken or I never used. The author says take pictures of things if it's difficult. He scanned many old letters and things to help him. Today I went through all of the pens in the main area of the house, threw out the broken ones, and separated them into sharpies (I need them for work), ink pens, and pencils.
I'm not pushing too hard, since I have many other things on my plate. But I am open to change and motivated to do so.
That is the juxtaposition for you too as Light Warriors, Awakeners, and Ground Crew. You're still here. You have no control over when you get back Home home. You might as well polish your soul to a beautiful shine while your are waiting.
I've read the new John Smallman https://johnsmallman2.wordpress.com/2019/02/19/release-your-fears-and-doubts-and-embrace-a-life-that-is-love-filled/. It was okay I guess. Like the latest Gaia Portal was okay I guess. I didn't repost either. I'm just so very tired of the long wait. They didn't resonate with me, so I didn't share.
I also made a decision to block someone who was crossing the line to advertisement/self-promotion. That's a part of running this whole thing that is getting me down. It's not possible to just be like it was years ago--there's always something --even today another something. This too I suppose is another lesson to look at and appreciate the overwhelming GOOD. We have awesome resources and teams and interactions 99.9 percent of the time.
I will be doing my best, and if there are gaps in my usual routines, don't worry. Once things settle out we will be back again like clockwork.
That was a good hospital, Columbia. I only got to see it when Anthony was sick. I'm still paying the bills for it. I'm glad I had a chance to see it though. They do good work.
Ross is quiet, he knows I have tasks to do (cooking dishes before the meat and fish go bad, so I can have leftovers for the weekend).
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
