Pangong lake or Pangong Tso is a beautiful endorheic lake situated in the Himalayas and is 134 km long, extending from India to China.
Today we are going to talk about forgiveness and what it can do for us.
Why haven't we been writing? It's been a hard few days. So forgiveness begins here--with ourselves. It is not easy to carry on with life's burdens and interpersonal relationships. We do the best we can. We learn from it. And we move on.
What made it so difficult?
First of all, Anthony and I are completely over our 'bug'. This in itself is a blessing. It's funny how God knows just how much you can handle.
Second of all, we have been blessed by the support of amazing, incredible friends and family. So even though things have been a challenge, we could cope.
And third, our past experiences with challenge helps it to not overwhelm us.
Work is something I need to forgive myself about. Anthony has. I was first call on Saturday. It was my weekend, but my hours are long and hard. I offered for Anthony to go to his father's so he wouldn't have to endure the boredom of waiting for me to finish my work. Instead, he said, 'I would rather be with you mom.' We had a wonderful breakfast, lunch and dinner. The lunch was from a friend Kelly, who let me know she was on her way in to the hospital for a consult. I asked her to take Anthony to the cafeteria and feed him as a relief to his boredom. You can only imagine my surprise when there was a food tray for me with turkey, mashed potatoes, string beans and a diet Dr. Pepper too! Kelly understands, her three boys love the cafeteria too. We are very close because of work.
I do my dream job, and even though it's difficult technically and emotionally and on time constraints, I'm good at it. My patients enjoy me. As well as I add in all the metaphysical 'stuff'. I support the team as well as the patient. One nurse confessed to me that she actually loses money for taking call. Yes! Her extra income is taxed at a higher rate--it all goes to taxes, and on her pay stub she finds she takes home LESS than if she had not been on call. She's ready to quit. And I don't blame her. She's also confided to me two other super important things. The first was that in nursing school her mom was dying, and she was taking care of her mom at home too. She needed extra time for her mom, but she couldn't . She had to do her rotations. There was no sympathy or help for her. (note: in anesthesiology there is now a special thing for residents to delay their training and still keep their spot--for new babies or family care like this woman needed with her mom.) Before you had to repeat a year, you were not paid, and you could lose your job.) The second was that she had an abortion. It was an accident, her and her boyfriend conceived because she had been on antibiotics and it had 'messed her birth control up'. It wasn't until the very last second that she realized in her heart of hearts she really wanted to be a mom--but it was too late. I've heard ministry from a woman whose life was forever changed because of her abortion. She had lots of soul sorrow and depression, she couldn't shake it. So her ministry was to let people know sometimes this happens, and not to think that their lives would be forever the same as it was before the abortion, after the pregnancy was terminated. Nobody tells you this when you sign up for the procedure. That's why she was at our church at the pulpit after mass. I used to wear a pin with tiny feet the size of a twelve-week old fetus. They looked like a tiny hang ten symbol, but I knew what it was for. This nurse at work heals because of what she confides in me...and for the support. She was hungry because she was called in after dropping her boyfriend off at a local restaurant to celebrate his sister's dinner...
Never underestimate how being in the right place at the right time helps everyone.
It really does.
Forgiving them and you is key.
Another area to forgive is my being clueless about my mom's situation.
I love my mom and my two sisters. I love them and all their kids and spouses and extended family.
My mom is a little unusual in that she doesn't encourage free interaction between everyone. She fancies herself as having three separate relationships with each of her girls.
As a matter of fact, between her and her executor daughter--I stayed way the heck out of the plans because I didn't know my role. It was between them.
I have to forgive myself too, because I work so much and live so far away, that most of the time I'm exhausted. Traffic is really bad between mom's house and my work, and also between my home and my work. I couldn't make the effort.
I forgive myself for not being a better communicator. I felt like my sister who is in control of mom's care and finances was pulling away, I didn't know why. I didn't want to cause trouble. So I kept quiet.
What came down was that the sister who manages things, and her family, decided to stop for whatever reason. They took mom to the hospital for an infection. It's her fiftieth birthday. She was going out of town. There's lots of reasons. Including serious illness in her son which came on suddenly (nothing long-term fortunately).
Fortunately, I had two days off. I went to see mom. I picked up the slack. I kept both sisters informed.
I love my mom. I love my sisters and brothers in law. I don't know where I fit in to the grand scheme of things, and I don't know how to communicate effectively. But I do what I can.
Right now, mom is watching the super bowl with a friend from my elementary school classes who lives near the rehab center. I went to see her this morning. It's not pretty, the middle bed in a stinky room in a very depressing nursing home.
I forgive mom for having unrealistic expectations as well as for her mild dementia. She wants things on her terms in these huge institutions where money factors in to everything. She got two extra days in the hospital (she wishes she could stay there, she said).
She wants to die in her home. She knows what dress she wants to wear for her funeral/eternity. And she's arranged for everything. I told her I liked her as my mom and yes I would cry when she passes because she told me to go have fun and not cry when she transitions. She said she will come visit me. I believe her.
I am glad for both Anthony and I, we have made our peace with mom and she has made her peace with us. That's a good thing.
I forgive my sister for not letting us know what was going on, and for bailing out on us suddenly and totally blindsiding me. She is the best godmother to Anthony, a wonderful sister, and I would be lost without her. Forgiveness helps you to accept and move on.
I forgive myself for not being able to know how to navigate this. I'm glad I can juggle. And I'm glad I realized I have to set a boundary to keep my job--I can't do phone calls at work while a patient is under my care. We aren't allowed to do this, it's been that way forever, and it's not right to disrupt the surgeon's concentration and my own. I need to ask my other sister to be back up for me then. It's not a good idea to multitask that in during direct patient care. No matter how much I love mom.
I also forgive myself for not sharing my medical knowledge. Mom's health is very fragile. I know how things are going to come down. I've even told mom with kidney failure you just fade out, it's not a bad way to go. And that with the critical aortic stenosis she probably wouldn't tolerate (survive) the blood pressure drop once connected to the dialysis circuit. But I haven't told my sisters enough that they truly understand how grave mom's situation is. I thought mentioning it once was enough. But they aren't medically trained. The shortness of breath and chest pain that's scary for mom and everyone is the course of untreated aortic stenosis. You get angina pectoris, shortness of breath, and syncope. I told mom her only way 'out' medically was to sacrifice the kidney, get the aorta fixed, and go on dialysis...she said no no no to that. So that's where we are.
I'm a little afraid to figure out what to do next. Mom wants to stay in her home. But one caregiver after another hasn't worked out. And they are expensive, even just for four hours care a day. Mom is independent and wants to stay home.
That's when Ross stepped in. He told me 'step into my office'. I have a start on what to do next. Just a little start. And I'm not alone.
I forgive my other sister who also was blindsided. She's working hard to support herself and her family. She has a small infant at home.
Everyone is doing their best.
That's why forgiveness is so vastly important.
Even when things get mixed up and messed up, that's part of being human.
Every chance you get, remember to do a ho'oponopono:
- I'm sorry
- Please forgive me
- Thank you
- I love you
It's a good thing.
Ross wants me to add this message from The Council on our Purpose.
We expanded on it a little today, with real-life examples.
Forgiveness gives others the benefit of the doubt.
My friend Kelly's brother dumped all of her father's care on her during her residency when their father was sick and dying. It wasn't fair to Kelly. She was doing surgery residency in a pyramid system where there were fewer spots at the top and the residents were weeded out each year. She didn't claw her way to the top. She worked really hard and was nice to everybody. But she said her brother had a change of heart when their mom got sick, and moved her from Texas to his city in Illinois or Iowa (I forget)--the midwest let's say--and he gave really good care to their mom in the end.
It's not worth it to our health to carry grudges.
It's better to work hard and be nice to everybody. And when they make you upset, to walk away before saying hurtful things. As well as to know when you need to set a limit, like for my patient's well-being, as I realized that's one area I need to do in this mom situation.
I did the same thing with the stoma changes. I promised to care for it. I drove on my days off one hour each way to go change it. Mom wasn't nice, she was more interested in the changing than in me (that's the dementia showing, I didn't take it personal). But I got burnt out. So I stopped. I didn't say anything because around then some new caregivers were changing the stoma. I had taught them how.
Mom is going to cross over.
Soon.
Her heart failure and swollen, weepy legs aren't from the bad caregiver. It's from her aortic stenosis taking its natural course.
Her sugar doesn't really need to be controlled so much because she's not going to live forever and it's better for her to be happy.
She needs love and compassion, which isn't easy to give because the dementia makes you needy and say stupid things that hurt others. My dad's mom did that till the end.
Human life is fragile.
I should have communicated that more.
In the hospital, I just watched mom's hand as she put together her hamburger. I had to open the packets for her. She was alive, and I enjoyed watching her being alive--with a 'daughter-who-is-a -doctor's' eye.
I'm not afraid of death for her. Neither is she. And in having those important conversations, perhaps I have done the most good for us of all.
I can see how with the slow change of society from the 'labor saving devices' of the industrial revolution, with the 'trial run' of Rosie the Riveter during the war where women went into the workforce, and also, with modern times and delayed marriage and childbirth--we have gone from a world where people took care of their own at both extremes of age (hard on women, yes, for sure) to one where you need lots of money to hire professionals to give this care. And the elderly are at risk for abuse (financial, physical, emotional) as well as the infants and children...It's calculated, this change that's happened over my lifetime, from TWDNHOBIAH and who create the 'external forces' for such change.
I do so hope for a better future in 134 days. And also, to be more loving, hard-working, and kind to everyone I meet. Until then, I forgive myself. I forgive you. I forgive everyone.
It's the only way to get though...each of us is doing the best they can!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
