This is a substitute for my meditation tonight.
He also says to 'pick something pretty' for the picture.
Here I am.
I hit new lows today.
I am despondent because after tasting 'home' in meditation, frankly, I can't see the point of staying 'here'. Energetically, it's easier 'there'. So if I could, I would meditate all the time, and enjoy the benefit of being in meditation, with connection to Truth! To WHO I am! And to WHERE I want to be--Home!
It doesn't even compare!
But I find myself here, in the denser energies.
So I have been without hope (don't worry, I'm better now, but there's a story Ross wants me to share with you so I am saying it.)...
While I was going through the motions of cleaning the dishes, Ashtar popped into my consciousness.
I dried my hands and lay on the couch where I talk to him in meditation. (Earlier today, I had told Divine Father I just don't like 'this game' and I want to stop. He said I could sit with him, and just watch. I think we had some popcorn together too. I didn't have to be 'in' it, I could just 'watch'. It helped a little, to be in my heart of hearts OUT of the denser energies and the free for all I see going on energetically all around me.)
He didn't look good, Ashtar. It was the first time I've ever seen him with his hair not perfectly brushed and a little bit of stubble.
I can sense the energies are dialed down to save the souls he's trying to save from not Ascending. So I was like, 'Hi Ashtar, how are you doing?' but not really feeling it.
I wouldn't make eye contact.
I kept looking at the floor.
He is like, 'do you KNOW how hard I am working?'
I said, 'Yes Ashtar, I know. You and everyone else.' and I kept staring at the floor.
He would change position to get me to look at him, and I kept looking away.
I asked him, 'WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?! (that you're trying to save)'
He said, 'Don't you know who they are?!'
I didn't know who those souls are. And I told him. I also told him that everybody loves them more than they love me....
He told me that these souls are at risk of Soul Death.
I said, 'Ashtar, no one really dies! This is ILLUSION. You think you die, but you don't. What is this Soul Death?!'
Ashtar was very serious. Whoever these souls are, who I am supposed to know but I don't, really ARE at risk of Soul Death. How, I have no clue.
I told him, 'Then we are dying together!' as my energy ebbed lower, and lower, and lower.
At this point I proceeded to cut myself.(in meditation, in Spirit, not in real life). I am left handed. The knife was in my left hand, and I cut my right arm. I told him, as I worked away, I finally felt free, when I cut.
I did. It felt wonderful.
I went a little deep and saw tendon. I didn't care.
He asked me about Ross. Where is he?
I said, 'I don't know. He is off doing whatever it is he likes to do...' (what was coming up here was my unhappiness in our marriage from our last incarnation--Ashtar and I both knew I was talking about his philandering back in the day.)
I really don't even feel a connection to Ross this last few days. I told Ashtar it's too late for Ross. It's too late for everybody. It doesn't matter if I never see him again... (all the while, I am sinking lower and lower into my sorrows, feeling detached from everything I care about in Spirit, always mindful of Home and Job and Family and Responsibility and Duty which I will not abandon. It's my FEELINGS that are very raw, and being shared at this time.)
Ross came with Ashtar then, and I could tell he had been watching the whole time. He said, 'Carla, you can't leave me. You're my Twin. You can't.'
I looked at him and said, 'I know how!'
And THEN, I got the bubbly feeling 'downloads' or 'upgrades' from them that make me feel better and make me forget.
I don't know why I am such a pain sometimes.
I am for everybody except Divine Father. For some reason, He 'gets' me. And Divine Mother, she, bless her heart, ALWAYS loves me. She never makes me feel wrong or stupid or like I'm wasting her time.
Later, much later, Ross said to me, 'I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did in our past.'
He meant it.
We both realized for the first time, there's serious damage to my soul from the betrayals, both with our son Benjamin, and also with the other sex partners outside marriage.
It's like I'm on some kind of emotional roller coaster that is very closely tied in with the energies on Gaia. I remember vaguely in the conversation with Ashtar complaining to him about the horrible people and visions in the nightmares I had in the 1990's when I was in medical school, that were so vivid I willed myself to stop dreaming. There were home invasions by hideous 'lizard people' and I would die all the time, and feel it and see it. It was like on a boat, not my house house, or my apartment...I communicated to Ashtar today that there are certain beings here on the planet that really affect my well-being a LOT, and I want them OFF. I think it's done. I saw them being escorted off single file, and I was like, 'Oh this is just a movie to make me think these people are going off planet!' but Ross and Ashtar assured me it was actually happening. I could tell you who they are and where they are from, it's a Galactic thing, but does it matter? I always complain about the same things. And it's in the Akashic records too.
I did notice with each one that left, I felt my old 'me' coming back. My energy was better.
That's why I'm not so glum at the present.
I also realize that in my 3D existence, working back to back weekends is REALLY hard (I spent two nights in the hospital in the last three weeks). My rest is important. I don't know what to do, but I trust.
Ross wants me to share another story with you.
Tonight Ross told me to cook salmon. I have some wild salmon in the fridge. Anthony doesn't like it. But I was firm. Anthony tried to talk me into rotisserie chicken at the store, while we were picking up a few things. I was like, Anthony, no. I know you hate it. I know you won't enjoy most of our meal. But I will have one thing you will eat and you won't starve. It's Ross' idea, and he has a reason. I have to trust it.
I got home.
I took the salmon out of the freezer.
It said, 'BEST BY 11 2014' on it.
I tossed it.
We had chicken nuggets (organic) and tater tots instead.
And asparagus, and some black bean and avocado and orange salad left over from last night.
Anthony was THRILLED! His taste buds were spared! He got TATER TOTS!
Today I did something new. I only gave him half a serving of the nuggets and the tater tots. I filled the rest of the plate with salad and asparagus.
He ate it.
Ross--he gets a place setting with us--asked for five tater tots in the shape of a happy face.
I made it look like this : |
At the end, Anthony was still hungry. Ross said he could have the three tater tots from the mouth. I got the eyes. Ross shared with us from his plate.
It was just enough. On the cookie sheet what was left--I had enough left over for a full serving for Anthony's lunch tomorrow too.
Tonight I finished a bracelet. Blessed Mother has a very special design for a special person. I actually had bought the stones for myself. Just after the order was placed by my reader, I felt a need to buy this particular stone for me. It is expensive. But Blessed Mother wants it for the order for the daughter. I obey. I obey Blessed Mother our of honor and respect for our friendship and her guiding me since 1992. So I gave my stones to the person she asks. The bracelet is beautiful. Really, really fitting of Her, Blessed Mother. She also told me the box to place it in when I ship it this week. She really wants to work with this person, and it is her gift to remind her of this wish, that this person will never forget it.
I wished I had better skills at bracelet making to create something with my hands at the request of Blessed Mother herself!
For me, I got to create earrings. They are goshenite and pyrope. The pyrope is deeply healing. And the goshenite--well--you can't write well without it! ; ) (goshenite makes it impossible to tell a lie--shhh! It's one of my favorite stones for the energy too though. Inside joke!)
I feel better.
I don't know why I got 'stuck' the way I did the last few days. I would like to say it is mercury retrograde or something. I don't know what it is. I'm just glad it's done.
That part of me that wanted to Ascend so I could run to Ross and hide in his arms forever--I think it's dead.
I don't have those feelings any more. Ones of 'completion'.
I feel complete on my own.
I love Ross because I like him and he's special. But he's not me. He's not even the 'other half of me'. And he is my TWIN! Isn't that the strangest thing?
I just AM.
I don't understand it. And in 3D it would be breaking my heart to have feelings change like this for him.
But in 5D?
I think I'm finally 'normal' on 'their terms'.
I'm like them.
I know he loves me and thinks I'm special. And I love him.
For some reason, tonight, he wants this instead of my meditation where I talk with him.
I guess he wants to talk now too.
Carla is going through some major upheaval in the emotions department. Carla is our little 'canary in the coal mine' on the whole Ascension thing.
The whole process has made Carla numb. In her heart. About me, and about everything and everybody.
It has 'dragged on too long' for her, this process.
What I have is 'emotional disconnect' on Carla's part.
Carla does not want to have anything to do with the Ascension Process. As a passenger who is in the midst of the first planet plus inhabitants together MASS ASCENSION, it's not like they all go at the same rate.
As Carla moves forward, as a planet, for Carla is the soul of Gaia, of Planet Earth (or, as she likes to say to those who show an interest, a 'mystery shopper' --he smiles--ed), you can imagine some resistance and some 'drag' from the souls of the general population.
(I see an image in space of Gaia like a water drop, surging forward, but behind her is a much smaller drop that is ready to separate off, it is stretched so tight--ed--I guess this is what Ashtar was talking about).
They weigh her down and she really wants to fly, and be open, and be free.
Carla Ascended on her own right (he says August 2013 but I'd like to verify it--I know one time Blessed Mother was excited and told me I had Ascended, and it was before I knew Ross was Ross--ed).
So Carla is not holding anyone back.
(One finger up, waved from side to side--ed) But some people ARE holding back the rest of the population who wish to go up! (points up and looks up -- ed).
(he shrugs--ed) So what are we to do about it? Carla it isn't the 'snap' that will lead to Soul Death, leaving the drop behind. That is something different, the Soul Death and I will not explain it at the moment. Just know it isn't going to happen the way it sounds...or to many...it is only five souls we are talking about here...not much. But in Heaven EVERY soul is important to save! Are they not?
Let's call them 'the stragglers'. They have been given every opportunity to awaken and 'do their thing' but in fact they slumber very deeply (I sense it is five of the 144,000... I don't know how I know it but I just do--ed)
(he waves his hand--ed) I go off topic here. Back to the main point--what is happening to Carla is not relevant to most of the population (one finger goes up--ed) except for one thing: those who are highly in tune with Mother Gaia are going to get a bit off balance when she goes through one of these growth spurts. Your growth and Ascension will be affected by HER energy, and not mine or anyone else's!
So what can you DO about it? (he flashes the picture of Gaia with the drop lagging behind--ed)
CARRY YOUR OWN WEIGHT.
Walk on your own and MEDITATE!
Do everything to possibly eat right, and exercise, and bring your energy in your heart and your vibration and your aura as high as you possibly can.
And that will bring the strain off of Mother Gaia to help.
Your momentum as a soul will buoy her up! And will take the tremendous weight of the drag of the slumbering souls off her, and lessen her burden.
I know you are trying but we are down to the crunch.
(clap! clap!--ed) I have said a great deal and I also know when to hold my tongue. It is enough!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple