This is a blog post which reflects much clearing, and much personal growth. Hence the term 'Elimanote'. It also drives the autocorrect crazy, which is a little fun, too.
For some reason, the nurse educator in the O.R. (who also picked me several years ago to be her anesthesiologist for a procedure) confided that I reminded her about her very close friend who was 'scary smart'. This friend had genius level I.Q., and they met when they were students at UCLA. This woman had a full scholarship there, and went from New York to California just for the experience of being on the West Coast. For all her intelligence, the friend, Denise, was very breathy and high-pitched in the voice, and had a large bustline. So people never realized just how smart she was; they judged her book by her cover!
Sadly, Denise passed away at age forty-six from a bone marrow transplant that went bad. She suffered from aplastic anemia (bone marrow doesn't make any red blood cells) and was dependent on transfusions to stay alive. After a while, there are antibodies that form to blood transfusion. So down the road, transfusion isn't a possibility. That's why she had the bone marrow transplant.
As Denise was dying, the last thing my friend the nurse educator heard from Denise, was a call wishing her a happy birthday. My friend tried every way to return the call that dropped--voicemail, email, calling family. But it was the end. They were with her and not going to pick up the phone.
That's why we had the discussion. It was about 'scary smart women who don't consciously hide their intelligence but are very kind-hearted and warm and caring.'
Denise had once wanted to be a doctor. But after being in the hospital for a wound infection, she decided she didn't want to hang out in places where there is blood and gore. Instead she went back home to her blue-collar community, and became a server in a restaurant. She got incredible tips because she never forgot anything and kept all the orders straight. People loved her!
I asked my friend if she ever gets contact from Denise? From Spirit side?
And my friend smiled.
It never dawned on her it could be possible.
She knew the only two people who are deceased she really thinks about and misses every day are Denise and her father.
So I shared how my Nannu Filippo would send me not one but TWO parking spaces when I would ask him to help me find one. Every time. That's how I knew it was him.
She liked the idea, and she's going to try.
I walked into the women's locker room at the end of my shift. The room smelled like absorbine junior, one of my favorite scents--of all things!--and a woman had a roller ball vial like perfume and was applying some of it to her shoulder.
I asked, 'Is that linament?'
She said no. It was a bottle of aromatherapy oil she uses for muscle pain. (I don't think she understands what 'linament' means).
Spirit came through loud and strong from my entering the locker room 'Tell her you do Reiki. Tell her you do Reiki. Tell her you do Reiki.'
I didn't want to.
But I told her my friend does Miracle Botanicals, which are Reiki-charged aromatherapy oils, and they are affordable. I met my friend in Reiki School.
She asked, 'so you do Reiki?'
Her mother did too.
Spirit is always right.
Breaking Down With Gratitude
I love routines. I adore them. They make me feel empowered. I know how to plan for my time. And I NEVER get them! With my work no two days are ever alike!
My colleague was on call on Sunday, and working yesterday too. He looked exhausted. He said that the people he worked on were so sick!
I felt him.
I feel that way too.
I had just refused an anesthetic under twilight sedation because the patient's oxygen saturation with three liters per minute by nasal cannula was 88-89% (100% is normal, 95% and higher is 'okay', but anesthesia always drops the saturations about 5% in these cases.) They needed a general.
The patient was end-stage cancer. I had to have the talk that if the tube goes in--like it needs to be for the procedure--there's no guarantee or promise it will be able to come out, depending on the lung disease involved.
It was so heavy. Fortunately a colleague switched assignments--everything moves around all the time--I needed to get to my one o'clock case.
This patient did fine.
Last night, we went to exercise class together, Anthony and me. There were no creepers there. It was a good class. This is three Mondays in a row we have gone.
We came home, and the yams and chicken in the oven smelled 'good' according to Anthony.
As he was downstairs watching the Angels game, and I was making a plate for him, I was overcome with waves of gratitude.
I had to sit on the little stool, and I just cried.
For all I am, this is what I want in life--to be a mom, to go to the gym, to make dinner for my family.
I have been denied this for most of my incarnations, and most of this one too. Even next week it will be the babysitter routine, and the meals out.
While I am at the hospital I love my work and my patients.
But to be able to experience the pleasure of being home, and not to worry about anything for a little while, meant so very much...I was overcome with gratitude to Creator for not pushing me so hard all the time, and allowing me this little break of happiness and quiet joy. I'm so tired of conflict. And I'm so tired of my lessons.
Why The Clutter?
Ross had me meditate before bed. He had me look around my bedroom. There is stuff everywhere. It's a second-story room, and the ladder for fire escape, the rope one, was on the floor because I used to keep it in the closet before it became my meditation space. I haven't figured out where to have everything go.
He asked me why the mess?
He was very blunt, very direct.
I was ashamed.
He said, or I said, I'm not sure, but the reason was, 'it's because you care about people, and are out doing other things taking care of them.'
He gestured to Anthony, who was sleeping in the next room, how happy he is, and how I make him my priority.
He said some people who are 'clean' or 'tidy' make more effort for themselves, and for their own needs--for their ego. But with a calling, a genuine calling, some things just are left to fall apart because the attention is placed on the work and not the household.
In this I realized he was explaining to me how in our past incarnation, our home life was in shambles, and my heart was so deeply hurt--because HIS calling took him to places far away, both in his focus and concentration, and also his physical body with travel--and he let HIS 'world' back 'home' with me just fall apart.
It wasn't an apology. But it was a sharing of consciousness to consciousness, his to mine, of why things were the way they were. And in having me 're-live' it in my own way, hopefully I will understand how some things just have to be.
(I also am assigned on this day off to spend one hour in my bedroom, and one in Anthony's, just tidying up. Just because things DO fall apart doesn't mean they have to stay that way. This was how Ross communicated to me his sense of his own 'failure'--by neglecting me back when we were incarnate--and how he sees for himself he could have 'done better'.)
My house has always had some signs of settlement. Once my neighbor did the remodeling, the settlement accelerated. It has slowed down, but still hasn't stopped.
No one seems to understand this except my lawyer.
The insurance people, the experts, the realtors who sit on the board--say there is no way to stop this problem. Just patch and paint.
I don't think they understand the stress to see walls collapsing in slow motion in my house.
Ross wanted me to move, but I wasn't ready. I have a lot of hurt from my own lives, and this one. My soul cries out to Creator--I just want to have some time in this one where I feel I have 'done right'. I don't want to leave it and be a failure, to run.
He says I can have a short time here (less than five years) where I fix the place up and enjoy it.
My mentor from work says to buy a one level house with no stairs, for when I get old.
That is part of the reason I don't want to move either. I don't want my 'forever home' to be my last one...I've been coming to terms with the changes in my body after fifty. The eyeglasses I need now are the first part.
It's all part of the deal to be here incarnate on Earth...
Coping With Delay
The stress at work is ridiculous. I came in and my second case yesterday had cancelled. There was a huge gap.
A huge gap means I don't get paid while I am at work. I only get compensated for the work I actually do.
The second case moved up.
But then in the gap?
My time isn't mine. You would think it is, but it isn't. The coordinator nurses allocate the anesthesia manpower to meet the needs of the hospital. So I got sent up to GI to relieve someone who has a 12:30 case. (I didn't get to eat). Well I get consent for the next case, only to learn that the person doing the first GI lineup (two rooms were running)--gets that one. So I go on to the next and learn of the safety risk, and after doing all the footwork, my colleague actually goes downstairs to the O.R. and does the case. I coordinated the transfer of the procedure to main O.R. to accommodate full general anesthesia.
So I come back to prepare for my one o'clock case.
But administration sends me to a building one block away to give ten minute's expert opinion on consents for some project to streamline a workflow. It's hard to find the place, I get there--people are eating lunch in front of me and I have no time to eat.
I am not compensated for this work.
Then I rush back to the hospital, finish my own pre-op evaluation, get the green light, give the Versed--and STOP!
There is a delay from the surgeon, who is tied up in another case.
A one hour delay.
So I ate lunch.
Then fifteen minutes after starting the case? I am relieved by a colleague.
At this point, I'm just thankful to go.
Ross manifested for me yesterday. I just threw in the towel, and gave up. He was my 'training wheels' for me.
On the way home, he confided that on Sunday, he had shown me the Paella pan at the store, because he knew I had always wanted to make it. But I had been in such a hurry I hadn't really SEEN his surprise he had prepared for me.
Would I mind going there before I pick up Anthony, and getting one?
I found a new excitement I haven't had in a long time. I love the kitchen. It's a Taste of Spain at Ralph's grocery store. I had seen the display but thought I wasn't meant to have it--that was on Sunday. In France at the swap meet there were HUGE pans of paella being cooked, like, four feet diameter ones. I had wanted to taste it, but we were in a hurry.
So I went to Ralph's. I bought the things. And Ross told me to buy something nice for Anthony too. He told me to go to a part of the store.
I got cinnamon toast (we never have it after the blood sugar thing, but Ross insisted, and when Anthony saw it at home he said, I had been wanting to ask for that!). I also got an angel food cake, so we could use the last few strawberries from the fruit stand for strawberry shortcake, a healthier version. I also made my own whipped cream with coconut sugar (low carbohydrate index) and vanilla.
Anthony was freaked out I was going to make paella for dinner last night, and I assured him no.
But Anthony DOES want me to make him some gumbo, which I promised, I will. I like making gumbo. I have our neighbor's recipe, too.
What happened recently, is the realization of who I am, and the task I face. It's daunting. It's like being in a zombie movie where everyone is asleep and you know the zombies are coming but no one believes you.
Creator Writings said yesterday that 'no matter where you are in your spiritual development you can accomplish anything with a pure heart and intention'.
Sometimes being a 'first waver' or 'pioneer' is really difficult.
You have been holding the light for so long, and following guidance from Spirit--with all your heart! But the results seem slow, and ineffective.
You are like, 'my God! How did I get here into this situation? How can I ever accomplish anything?! How can I put up with all this resistance to what I am sent here to do?!'
It's really, really hard.
Especially when you feel your energy draining.
Yesterday, Ross did two important things, three actually, to help me get over this hurdle.
The first is that I feel an incredible energy drain all the time--as my Light is absorbed by those who are meant to absorb it. There isn't enough time for me to 'fill my own cup'.
So Ross presented me with paella pans filled with loving energy from him.
When I felt low, he would be there with the pan filled with little red hearts on it, and my soul would just eat the whole thing in one gulp.
As I worked through he stress of the delays, I would ask for two pans stacked full. And gulp.
Ross teased me and said I would be like Ms. Pac Man and I said, 'absolutely!' LOL.
But it helped.
The second is he held me, and soothed me. I actually pushed him away and demanded, 'How come this feels so nice and helps everything?!' and then relaxed into his arms and soaked in the love and gentleness. There are SO many things I don't understand at this point in my growth. I was just so thankful to have it available...just to be quiet and still with his strong chest and arms to lean on for a little bit.
The last part--I'm sure it's from him--is a sense of mind that even if I have to move completely out of my house, gut it, and remodel it to fix everything that's wrong--I am committed to moving forward with the project, no matter how much it takes, and there is an end point in sight. This too shall pass.
This is one of Carla's happiest memories on earth. It was at the Giant Rock festival, a UFO convention. Only Carla didn't know what any of the UFO was about.
It was at the desert, and with her mother, who is on the left, and her father Richard (who she sits on his shoulders) and her Uncle Benny (who took the picture)...add to that a swing set at the venue and Carla has everything she could possibly need!
Carla was three.
At this age she could 'see' who was who in the crowd (it was very crowded at the convention)--in other words, which soul was human and who was extraterrestrial. There were some 'visitors' there, mixed in with the people, and Carla looked at them by recognizing their energy signature as different. She gave them a funny look.
The people seemed startled to have been 'picked up' because those present thought their 'cover' was highly effective, or so their teams had told them. But here was this little girl who was as wide awake and aware as any of them, the Galactics, and saw through their 'cover' just as well as anyone who was on their ship.
(one finger up --ed) And YET these extraterrestrials present did not understand it!
They could not get a 'read' to gather enough that Carla was in fact an extraterrestrial, only IN a human body, and as her innocence and youth caused it that SHE didn't know (and in fact she didn't, until only the last few human years, that she was anything 'different')--THAT was a confounding factor for them.
Some of those present, in the galactic form, were 'not very nice' in the way of Galactics.
Some of the worst, very worst souls in the galaxy were present at that forum, in disguise. That is why, as a child, Carla reacted with genuine surprise and horror at the energy signatures she met in passing.
Fortunately the love of her family was enough to reassure her all is well, and to enjoy the rest of her time there.
Also at this tender age, Carla picked up on a lot of lack of knowledge about 'big things' as she called it in her heart--simple, Galactic TRUTH--in those present who were human and 'searching' for 'something more'. In other words, those 'seekers' who are 'advanced' in terms of the general population on earth in 1967 were very 'behind' the consciousness of the average Galactic citizen.
Carla was disappointed in their need to LISTEN to someone to explain to them the basics--how it was 'obvious' to her as a toddler what was what in the 'big things'-- and even the speaker Mr. George somebody was 'totally off the map' and 'terribly misguided'.
THIS is the angst Carla has come to experience as 'normal' in her Galactic Life, now consciously aware of it, as a Light worker incarnate in the physical realm.
So not only is she 'slow in thought' and 'limited' by being in a human body--but she is acutely aware of the perceptions of others who are in her midst.
So there you have it.
This is why I comfort and console as I guide her to gentle harmony that YES these things exist, NO they are not insurmountable, and you are LOVED and utterly SAFE as you play your role in the Illusion as it has been dealt to you.
When I had my awareness of such, I felt like, 'WHY do I have so MANY to tend to, for their spiritual life? How can I carry the WEIGHT of all these souls with my own?'
I had terrible nightmares over this. Carla comforted me through every one, as I saw the future, and the inevitable, my end, my death, in a horrible way.
I had to live with it, this knowledge, because I was not incarnate for my lessons to have a home and family, but to guide an incredible array of souls towards the Light, in my own way, to make Heaven ACCESSIBLE to them in their slumber.
And I did.
I neglected Carla. As you can see, both of us are working through it, and we are in a good place at the moment.
Some of you are going to hit a wall. I did. And in the last few days as you can tell by reading her blog posts--so did Carla.
But it passes.
And on the other side of the wall, you are able to gather much like Carla--Love IS the guide, Love IS the solution, and Love has an intelligence of its own and will carry it out, the Will of Divine Creator.
Even in the worst, most harrowing zombie movie, there is a hero at the end, and it is happy at the finish. The zombies never win, although it looks like it during the film, in the middle.
This movie--the one where you are incarnate and all the souls are awakening at 'an incredibly slow pace' according to Carla (he is teasing me--ed)--it also has a good outcome.
As you go through your struggles, always know you are being guided by experienced guides, and I love you.
I wouldn't have sent you here to have your brains eaten by zombies--both literally and figuratively.
I know you would never have enlisted if it hadn't been a 'good fight' where a lot was going to be asked of you.
So hold your Light, do your part, and there will be a Grand Awakening in a short space of time.
Can you imagine what would happen if suddenly on earth everyone were as awake as Carla at the age of three? (he chuckles--ed)
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple
Who are in love with each other as if they had never been away from each other... <3 (that's from Ross--and I'm blushing--ed)