Yesterday I was out in the garden, enjoying the morning. I have quite the crop of weeds (not 'weed' lol, for that I could make money!)...trying their best to take over the yard. I have respect for them, for their resilience, for their voluntary effort to place themselves in my garden and grow, since clearly there is a great deal of life force in them! I let the blossoms open for the bees. I feed the rabbit (and ourselves) the leaves of the non-prickly kind.
Even then, some are a little too much. I was by the patch with the lavender, lettuce, herbs and onions...and the walkway had some low to the ground, growing, prickly, and I thought perhaps to tend to them, and remove them, root and all.
When I bend, I don't like to go to my hands and knees to pull them. I lower myself Asian style (have you seen how they rest in that position? It's totally relaxing.) and in a state of zen I just tend to the weeds.
In 'zen', I mean sort of paying attention, sort of not, and just being open to whatever thoughts happen to cross my mind, all the while observing what is taking place in the present. I noticed the ease with which the soil moved, due to the rains we have been having of late. I had some break off and I never got the root out at all. Some roots were easy to pull. And several were very long, deep, and I had to really use my muscle to remove them.
While I was doing this, my heart reflected on a conversation. It actually was a repeat of a conversation I had perhaps a year ago--one that now with clear eyes I realized how deep the abandonment issues are still in my heart from Ross leaving me. As strong as I am, I will cry over talking about him, because these things rest unhealed just beneath the surface of our everyday lives. I have survived many kinds of abandonment--my mother favored my baby sister once she arrived, to the point of letting my sister push me out of my mom's lap if I was enjoying a moment with her, my family, my marriages, the father of my son walking out the door during his giving me a pregnancy massage--all of these painful experiences showed me to trust my own counsel, to believe in myself, and to function, to carry on despite the pain.
It wasn't enough.
And when I saw myself in that moment, repeating myself, I realized there comes a point where you must decide for yourself if that's how you want to be forever, in the future, or if you want to just pull that habit/tendency/old belief out by the roots and move on.
Separation is a lie.
Abandonment is an untruth.
Spirit is Love, and Love is always with us, effortlessly, as long as we are not willing to buy into the stories we have been telling ourselves for this life and possibly the ones before it.
I pulled the weed of abandonment from my soul.
Nobody else can do it.
Only we can act and set the course for freedom within ourselves.
It takes a good friend, a patient one, to refrain from saying, 'I told you so' or 'you are repeating yourself' and to hold the space in which you may come to your own realizations, and decide to let yourself heal.
I'm grateful for this kind of friendship.
Our natural state is one of innocence and love.
"The purpose of taking on a body is learning to supply innocence wherever it seems to be lacking, the result of which is spontaneous healing." Hope Johnson
"Love is completely free. It's not affected by coming and going. It's not affected by bodies dying. It's not affected by perceived separation. " Wisdom Dialogs with Hope Johnson
"The mind is projecting it onto the screen of consciousness. The screen of consciousness is a temporary screen. It arises BECAUSE of the thought of separation. Once the thought of separation is resolved, there won't be any need for consciousness. When you watch the changes, you start to see that the fluctuations are fluctuating IN your body's energy field and when you take responsibility for EVERYTHING that arises, every person, every place, every situation, everything, your mind learns that it's making it up! That's very important, because as your mind learns that it's making it up, the CAUSE for the illusion gets resolved and it starts to reveal Reality." -- Hope Johnson
The Other Guys is a movie I watched last night. This was the other half of the healing, once that deep root of abandonment was pulled out. Spirit always sends something to help. I did some shopping yesterday, and Ross told me to buy a bouquet of flowers and not to worry about the money. It was small yellow and white flowers, even a little sprig of ornamental cabbage in it. That helped me to remember and to give thanks for my solar plexus chakra, my ability to do and to act in my own best interest. And then in the movie, Will Farrell's wife, played by Eva Mendes, helped me to see myself as Spirit sees me. She's totally sweet, totally smart, and ER doctor--and Will Ferrell treats her bad and she lets him! It was comedy, here she was, exceptionally beautiful like a model, but her low-self esteem made her accept a position anyone else in that position wouldn't accept. Someone with healthy self-esteem.
It was hard growing up. Our friends on the street through it would be a bad thing to be conceited--or 'stuck up'. So I played down my intelligence to fit in with my group of kids who played together.
It was a very, very good thing for me to learn humility. I am humble. Blessed Mother has told me again and again, her gifts to me are of wit, verve and charm...and as long as I am humble things are going to be okay.
What I learned from the abandonment, the avoidance of being stuck up, from the needing to take responsibility to pull that deep painful unwanted emotion out of my heart because it was starting to sound like a broken record --who wants to be like that?!--and seeing Eva Mendes...is that a healthier place to be, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, is to be 'reasonable'. What would a reasonable person do in a situation like that?
This was the lesson Ross has been so quiet for me to learn. So very quiet. I know he's busy, I know he's working hard with the whole coronavirus thing all over the globe. He loves us, me and Anthony, this I know. He provides for us. He's never been the type to say I love you, he's the quiet kind who shows it through his actions and his thoughtfulness. He has always been gentle with my heart, and never once embarrassed me. But I can tell that this abandonment issue of mine, is one more thing that is keeping us apart, and keeping me from stepping into my Higher Self, my Galactic Self, with all of my gifts. It was holding me back. With the energies as they are, I could clearly recognize it, and take action. I know it might pop up again, unexpectedly, but as long as I can recognize it and keep taking steps to remedy it, it won't be holding me back any more like it used to.
Love is everywhere.
Love is the only thing there is.
The earth laughs in flowers--that's one of my favorite quotes. I forgot who once said it, and it really doesn't matter.
Our message to you is that the energies are right (like the rains for the soil) to keep your awareness up, and to take action is something is a pattern in your behaviors and belief system which no longer suits you.
Take steps and move ahead, when you know in your heart and your bones and your soul that this action is right for you.
Here are some beautiful quotes to share:
- you can heal from being under a handler. There are many resources to help you, and a relationship with God works wonders. You may also find help in art, music, nature, dogs, exercise and self care. --(Kristen H @kristenhinkson on Twitter)
- Unconsciousness, unawareness, is the cause of attachment. -- Osho
- Take the time to eat an orange in mindfulness. If you eat an orange in forgetfulness, caught in your anxiety and sorrow, the orange is not really there. -- Thich Nhat Hanh
Nourish your soul.
Enjoy your mastery. I do every day now in the kitchen. It brings me great joy.
Remember that our process of healing helps to raise the vibration of earth more than you realize --because it's collective and the growth is exponential.
Remember there is value in appreciating the things that just keep coming up. For example, at the natural foods market, a bunch of dandelion greens as this is almost five dollars, while in the yard they are free!
Allow nature to give Her gifts to you, gifts of abundance, prosperity, support, sustenance, beauty, wonder, grounding, and love.
Nature gave me this beautiful lesson while I was tending to the garden. She told me, 'you can be MORE, Carla! you don't have to keep this pattern of abandonment fear and re-living old traumas holding you back.'
Ross and I encourage you, with all our hearts, to be fully present. To notice the orange, to notice the apple, and to let go of what is holding you back with anxiety and sorrow.
The future isn't a given.
Ross wants me to share a picture and let you know a little about the coronavirus:
It may be too pixellated, the photo, but it shows how close we providers within my specialty are to the risks with the COVID-19.
I couldn't be more thankful for my group of anesthesiologists. We are texting one another daily, sharing the best methods for our safety, and the most recent updates with the evolving situation. There is one patient at our hospital now. Cedars Sinai is starting to get many of them, people with their oxygen saturations of eighty percent (ninety to one hundred is normal, below ninety is dangerous).
An old friend and I Face-Timed because she and her friends want to sew masks to help others, and she had questions about masks. It's been a long time, we've stayed in touch, but it was wonderful to speak with her again.
A fellow student of Anne Reith, PhD, saw the photo I had of the PDI sanitizer wipes that are backordered at my hospital, and part of routine anesthesia care. She had two she had ordered, and gave them both to me--for free. We met in the parking lot of the health food store. She is a psychic and medium, certified by Anne like I am. And her take on this whole virus is that it's giving people an opportunity to re-assess their values and what is important to them. Like our teacher Anne, and me, she can't see what lies ahead either. It's a big blank. But she's being positive about it, working with the Law of Attraction. And I am too.
Again, there is no work for me, no income, until I am called in or it is my turn to take call. We will have only two operating rooms going. The rest will be converted to ICU's if the need will arise. Then we will be expected to care for the patients like ICU attending physicians.
Cedars has a team of people who are intubating the sick. The highest level of protective equipment is afforded to these team members. I may be invited to do something like this too.
I trust.
We are also learning that many ophthalmologists and ENT docs have been dying because people are losing their sense of smell and taste as an early sign of this virus. Apparently the patients go to get it checked out, and that's how they are exposed.
Ross says this is enough.
We leave you to tend to your Garden, the one inside your heart, and to know that everything is as beautiful and innocent as ever in there, no matter what you may have done or been expected to do, anywhere, any time, in any incarnation.
Today's Creator Writings also supports this theme. https://thecreatorwritings.wordpress.com/2020/03/23/you-are-perfect-3/
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who go a long way back...he smiles and winks...a very long time that is but an instant.
