It could happen to anyone, Ross said to me this morning while we were going over a topic that really has been a major lesson for me in this incarnation. Fidelity. And cheating.
As the energies are, the other day I had thought of someone I used to work with in my training, who I know is a trauma surgeon at another hospital. Out of the blue, on Friday, when I was in call, she came to observe the robot and was with my surgeon all day.
I had seen her once when I was being proctored at her hospital. I got privileges there, and worked one OB shift, but then this new job came along, and I took it. When I saw her then I was very happy to see her, and she me.
This time she was happy too, but a little reserved. She told me she had gotten married once. I remembered because it was to an anesthesia resident a year or two ahead of me. I asked her what happened but she said it was 'the usual thing'.
She remembered my ex husband, Frank. How she knew him, I'm not sure, because he was a drug rep and came to the hospital a lot, and had also been an ER nurse when I had just started my training. She asked me if I had 'skipped out on him'? I didn't know what that meant.
It came out in conversation later, that Frank had run into her, and told her I had cheated on him, and he was never ever going to take me back.
That explained so much of his behavior at the end. He was angry, he was resentful, he was cruel, he needed to see a psychiatrist twice a week because he was suicidal, he found a new 'friend'/girlfriend and had us to go the movies together.
But he never once confronted me or talked about it.
Here are two videos which explain the pain of cheating.
She talks about the three P's--pregnancy, pleasure, and pair bonding. It's the idea that someone would want to find pleasure and pair bond with someone else that's really painful.
Here is another one:
The person who was cheated on feels like there was something wrong with them.
I really like this image. On the left, the plants are in their own world, literally, and isolated both from one another and the elements because of the glass.
On the right, the plants are more open and able to share the elements even through they are in their own little pots.
We are each in our own 'biosphere terrarium' of perceptions, beliefs, thoughts, life lessons and experiences.
Even me and Ross, when we were together incarnate.
I can't see through his eyes, and Ross back in the day couldn't see through mine.
In that incarnation, he had sex with other women while he was on his travels, and didn't think anything about it.
I too had sex with others, but it was against my will, and people back then, the men, took advantage because Ross wasn't around to protect me. So I was raped. Often. By people I had no opportunity to fight back.
Then there was the thing with our first born son. That's a whole other story.
Back to Frank. In this incarnation. I was miserable. Although I loved him, the sex was terrible, beyond bad, and too infrequent. It had been a topic of discussion. Frank thought I should just have a few kids and then I wouldn't want the sex much any more. We went to a sex therapist, and no matter what we did there was something about him that made me cringe because of the years of bad sex.
My friend the urologist has a daughter who is engaged to be married, and the couple are both saving themselves for marriage. She said, 'how can you know what you like when all you've ever had is frozen pizza? There's Chicago deep dish, New York pizza out there--even local pizza delivery!'
Life is short.
What was going through my head when I had an affair?
I had been emotionally out of the marriage a long time before that. I had a mentor, a confidant, and he mentioned it. I knew I was more emotionally attached to our parrot than to my husband, even early on into the marriage. Because my husband lied about money problems and hid them until we were married. And because of the suboptimal sex.
I was unhappy.
If I was with the wisdom of now, back then, I would have realized to leave the marriage early. It had crossed my mind, but he got sick, and it's hard to leave when someone is having major health problems.
What was going through my head was an important data point. With this other person I felt alive. I knew he wasn't the one for me, but I realized that the one I had wasn't the one for me either.
Later, I made a decision that the one I knew was better than the unknown. I decided to stay with Frank. But that's when he got really enraged, and that was it. He was so angry he took all of my office furniture and everything I had and piled it into the bedroom. We split the house down the middle and I could barely walk through all the stuff he had thrown into my bedroom.
Now I understand. I understand his pain. At the time it was bewildering to me. So this is what I was talking about with Ross. The whole incident.
That's why he said it could happen to anyone.
It happened to us back then.
And until Sherry said what Frank had told her, I had been full on righteous and angry at Ross for incarnation after incarnation for the very same thing I had done! I had accused all of the Galactics as being 'bonobos' (a chimp they can't put on display at the zoo because they have sex all day every day in the open).
It's like I'm waking up from a long dream.
I can see now through the lessons Ross has so generously sent, to help me understand and heal from my terrible pain.
Don't worry about Frank, he married what my tax man shared as 'a hottie'--a former actress and he showed me a picture of her a long time ago. Big bosom, nice figure, pretty face. I heard more but there's no reason to share it. I was humiliated when I learned it at the time. But it's okay.
Here is another video which helped me to understand why Frank just didn't do it for me--it was the masculinity. He was kind, loving, nice in every way, and masculine--just not enough for me to be happy. I should have left and had the confidence to find my way, but I was afraid of the unknown.
Right now, there is someone at work that does have the masculine. He notices me. And I can't help but notice him.
When I talk to Ross about it, he says to tell the fellow how I feel about Ross.
I've practiced.
I burst into tears talking about Ross. He's my everything. He really is. Nothing compares, and the minute I can go to him, I will run. Absolutely, positively, RUN.
When I think of the life I had accepted for myself until I can go Home (or Ross comes like Richard Gere in an officer and a gentleman film)--just nothing. No friendships with men that are intimate, just waiting and waiting...I thought I was done. Many women my age are 'done'.
So here, full circle, is the next lesson. As Ross gently reminds us, 'there are no mistakes, only lessons'.
What I've been doing this time, which I wasn't able to do in the past, is to talk about my hopes, my dreams, my needs, with Ross, who listens. Today we talked for a long, long time. He works hard, so do I, there's not much time to talk.
Lessons aren't easy.
Do realize the pattern--they present themselves again and again until you get them right (you understand the lesson) and then they go away.
Have I told the other guy about Ross and how I feel? Not yet. I'm not afraid to though.
It is a long, long, hard path as a Light Worker. I don't talk about the things I do in the O.R. that are spiritual--I still do them--but I try to discuss things that are more easy for the reader to understand and relate.
I share everything because in the higher realms everybody knows everything anyway. It's due to the psychic ability. It's helping you to get used to it. You might not warm up to the idea of people knowing things about you. But I'm okay with people knowing things about me, it's not scary and it helps a lot of people grow and advance in their own life lessons.
Ross says that's enough. He says it was a good share, and by sharing from the heart with nothing hidden we are well on our path to find our way home.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple with the smiling eyes.
