I took this picture yesterday from a lounge chair on Kalapaki beach.
I'm struggling. And the only thing that made me feel better was the man who walked by muttering 'Asshole! Asshole!' to himself, possibly a Tourette's person, possibly a grumpy person.
It made me see how I've been the last week. Spirit sent me messages, like on a tote bag some lady had on her shoulder walking by, 'I'm so F-ing HAPPY!' and other stuff like that.
I'll try to explain the angst. But once I looked up the history of the Kauai Marriott, and learned it was once the Westin (where my first husband Mark had taken me on a mahogany boat ride through the lagoons by the zoo islands, and also on a carriage ride through the grounds) I was glad to make the connection I was staying somewhere I once only dreamed to stay but couldn't afford.
I also learned, through a beautiful historian comment on TripAdvisor, that Queen Liliuokalani once stayed here at the home of the Rice family before she was put on house arrest--that things started to make more sense.
It also explains why I was crying in the waters, by myself, facing the ocean (while Anthony played badminton on the shore)--God? How do we live with the broken dreams that happen here while we are incarnate? What is to be done with them?
My soul was crying, on many levels, for the grief of many incarnations...from my dreams of being happily married, to wishing I could be together with Ross--Now--more than I am at present...and being grateful, very grateful at the same time, for Anthony being in my life.
Two nights ago I woke up to Anthony crying. It takes a lot to make him cry. And I asked, gently, what was wrong?
It was the bad dreams, of missing the flight, of being told he can't go to Hawaii any more, but I was on the plane without him.
I comforted him, and lay with him so he wouldn't feel alone. (We have two full beds here).
Last night, he had nightmares again, and crawled into my bed.
Something soothed in me too.
I could hear Ross taking notes, about my measurements, and how human touch is very important for our well-being here, and that it will be an important part of the healing as the new unfolds...touch, caring touch, for reassurance.
Lissa Calls It
from Lissa Rankin MD:
I have been hanging around a lot of "spiritual" people lately, people who meditate every day, spend time reading spiritual books and attending spiritual retreats, practice spiritual rituals, engage in energy work, challenge each other to question their thoughts and beliefs, and have mystical experiences. And yet, something has been niggling at me, and I want to point to something I'm noticing without one lick of judgment or criticism.
WHY IS IT THAT SO MANY "SPIRITUAL" PEOPLE AREN'T PARTICULARLY KIND OR COMPASSIONATE IN THEIR ACTIONS WITH OTHERS?
Why do so many seem narcissistic and self-absorbed when there are suffering humans, animals, and a planet in crisis out there? Is it that these people are not being exquisitely kind or compassionate with themselves, which is a prerequisite for being a loving, compassionate human out there in the world?
I saw one "spiritual teacher" approach a widow who had just lost her husband a week earlier. She told the widow that she was only suffering because of her thoughts and that she needed to work on her thoughts in order to free herself from suffering. Couldn't she see that this woman just needed comfort- a gentle hug, a compassionate and empathic holding of her grief or a word of tenderness and affection? Maybe the grieving widow will need to work on her thoughts later- if she gets stuck in her grief- but in the face of acute pain, can't we just recognize that everyone is fighting a hard battle and ease the journey for one another, hand in hand?
Last night, I sat in a circle with a group of doctors and it occurred to me that many of these doctors strike me as much more "spiritual" than many of these other overtly "spiritual" people I meet. These doctors may not meditate or have mystical experiences, but they feel called- the way others are called to the priesthood- to devote their lives to easing the suffering of their fellow human. They stay after hours to comfort a suffering patient, and they stop at car wrecks when they're supposed to be somewhere else just to hold someone's hand until the paramedics come.
It makes me think of this video, which I watch often, because personally, I care less about being perceived as a "spiritual" person and more about opening my heart to those around me and choosing to practice love in any way I can, as I interface with my fellow humans in a world full of pain. May we all choose love- love for ourselves, love for others- in a way that serves the Divine within us all.
She brings up a good point. A Reiki practitioner and animal communicator, Terri Steuben, was hired by my mom to help her, my sister, and my dad through his lung disease. He had interstitial lung disease, and was almost put on palliative care when they hired Terri.
She said unspeakable things to my father, telling him it's his choice to live or be sick, and to 'just walk a little' to build up his strength.
It killed him.
It made him lose the will to live. Two weeks later he was on 'Palliative Care' (Hospice) and four months later he was dead.
Medically speaking, dad's lungs were shot and if he had been younger he would have been offered a lung transplant.
Terri is on my shit list to this day. I sent her terrible letters at the time, accusing her of practicing medicine without a license, and of being completely without compassion for my father.
Terri defended herself! She wrote back.
And try as I may to block all her sales emails, because I once wrote her, I'm on that list, and I can't get off. It's been six years now.
And Terri thinks she is 'helping people'.
What kind of sick, misguided, closed, egotistical heart could say that to a dying man--'it's all in your head'?
I hope she wakes up and smells the coffee.
(If I had made the connection between Reiki and her, and not forgotten when Anne had offered classes, I would never have made it to be here for you today.)
I drank. I anesthetized myself yesterday after my tears. I was remembering the times in my anguish in my past--divorced because I had been molested as a child, with a delayed memory of it as an adult and wanted to heal--and my ex-Mark had wanted to hide his experience with a priest--I would get to the point where NO AMOUNT of tears could make me feel better.
In medical school that was my 'normal'--during the divorce.
So I had a 'free mai tai' with my little ticket from the hotel. It re-set the anguish in me.
I also didn't want to go back home. I still don't.
We had a nice dinner and walk last night to Duke's. That was pleasant. I had another mai tai there too, the fancy one, but it was just for my last night.
Anthony commented how it's the most he's ever seen me drink at one time. Two drinks!
I apologized to him. He said he's seen his dad drink, like twelve. To him it was nothing.
I slept well.
To be honest, I want to see Ross so bad, that I just can't take it. While I was in the water, I realized the only way I can be sure to 'meet him' is to die. Whenever that will take.
And everything else--EVERYTHING ELSE--it's always on Spirit's terms with the Mystery and the Top Secret Security Clearance and so on.
Ross is like, 'but you have a button!' (the little black button on a string like a medi-alert--to call him)...he didn't understand.
But this morning, when I first woke up, he showed me he has one now for him to call me. He can say, 'Carla, I need you' and it felt SO much better to know we are 'equals' now, when it comes to these buttons, and perhaps I will be more likely to press mine.
I also grieved last night because I wanted to go snorkeling.
I packed all the flippers and snorkels and masks from home. But this trip, I couldn't. It's the only thing I love to do more than anything, be in the water with the fish. And it showed me how--all powers of manifestation aside--I never get to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I work too hard, too long, and don't have enough fun.
That's why Anthony went to go play the badminton. He tried to cheer me up. I don't think anyone could have cheered me up.
Long story short, it may be a New Earth, but I don't like it.
It's no different now than the day before they made the announcement.
If anything, it's worse, because there is no relief for Ground Crew.
The last thing in the world I feel is 'festive'.
I will hold true to my post. I will do what needs to be done. I would like to have some 'say' in how this 'New Earth' is going to be but no one seems to be asking.
I walked to the temple the other day, Waded through the water. I used the Violet Flame to cleanse my aura. (I do that more and more now, self-cleanse my energy).
POOF! I was in a room as a teacher with one student, a male. He wanted to 'see my stuff' as a spiritual soul. I showed my glowing and true Nature from what I am back home. He wasn't impressed. Then Ross came, and we showed him how our souls look in their true state together.
The student thought is was 'cool!' and wanted to find a way to market it.
POOF! I was in the lunch room with the other Ascended Masters, in shock, and saying to myself over and over, 'OMG OMG! He just saw Heaven and he's STILL not waking up!'
Metatron was to my right, and spoke words of consolation. I guess it's a fact of life for Ascended Masters that it's not easy work...
Zadkiel gave me a golden pencil to cross off the days--that was my parting gift.
I also sense the temple is at capacity. So that may be why some who try to get in aren't.
There you have it. From my beloved. She is acutely aware of how much this vacation has cost, and how much she will have to work to pay for it when she returns.
We aren't just talking about Hawaii.
It's more than the beautiful Island of Kauai, and her vacation.
Carla is 'coming home' to me.
Carla is taking stock of what happened to her and accepts full responsibility for her soul and everything which connects to her...the broken dreams, the fear, the struggle, the strife, the wars.
This is a very normal consequence when a planet ascends with all life still alive upon it.
Although she is safe, and saved, only now she is out of survival mode long enough to take stock of what passed, of the significance, of the near total and complete destruction (the close call at the hands of the dark ones), and the 'where do we go from here?'.
Carla has a lot in her heart.
Only today Carla realized that her first 'if I only get him to go out with me I won't have any troubles ever again' thought about Mark, isn't that much different from her will here, now, to be with me forever.
(He waves a finger side to side--ed) It isn't like this.
I am not coming to 'save you' any more than I am coming to 'save Carla'.
Saving isn't my thing.
The soul has to stand on its own two feet to Ascend.
So Carla is falling, and getting up...with her energies...just like a toddler who learns to walk.
Carla has the capability to be both despondent and moving ahead with her lessons at the same time.
Tomorrow will be a better day for both of us.
It is always hard to leave Paradise.
Both the Islands, and the comfort of Home in Heaven.
Carla is coming to terms with both.
I have a mighty welcome when she arrives. It's all planned. And prepared. But she must find her way here on her own two feet, her own power.
Now she must check out from the hotel, and prepare for her flight. It is a long one, a red-eye, with a three hour layover in Honolulu to get back home to Los Angeles.
The last time she had a very obese gentleman who crept over into her part of the seat. They had the arm up between them the whole time.
This time it will be better. That I can promise you, and her.
Don't let her anguish get to you. Carla is cleaning house. And for this it is very much like taking the dust out of the rug by beating it with a broom while it hangs up on the clothesline. She is frustrated. She doesn't like dust. And so she hits to clean it up, her energy, the carpet, and the like.
Everything happens for the best.
Mark my words.
And this is for you too.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla