BE the most YOU that you can BE.
This is the advice of Yeshua in the latest John Smallman.
What is YOU?
Are you the spark of light who authored the plan before incarnation? Or are you the one who is completely amnestic and doing your best to stay on your Life Path? You know, the one who wrestles with that one thing you cannot get right no matter what you do?
We live in a world where often our greatest gifts are mocked and challenged. From so many directions we are put to the test, day after day, by life, by life circumstances, by life partners and friends, by coworkers, by clients/patients/customers, by bosses, by frank enemies...we just wake up to a new day and battle on...
I've been wrestling with the deep conviction that I am unlovable. And that I am not beautiful. These perceptions were a trauma response to my upbringing. Both of my parents were a little heavy on the Narcissistic spectrum, my mother's lack of emotional regulation frightened the heck out of me, and as I grew up they were actually jealous of my achievements. Add this to a little high functioning autism and ADHD with excellent masking, and I was absolutely bewildered by the time I grew up.
I knew I needed to escape the house. And I studied with all my might to ensure my success once on my own.
Yes there were pleasantries, there was what I thought was love (conditional with compliance as a 'nice girl who didn't make waves'), and happy moments here and there. But it was the inability to navigate that emotional terrain that was ever-shifting, that led me to where I was ripe for more abuse.
The emotionally starved, undeveloped person, gravitates towards those who take advantage. And the fawn response to just 'not make waves' leads to dissatisfaction in a partner because you are like salt that has no flavor.
From one rejection to the next you become even more vulnerable to a true Narcissist, one who will love bomb you at the beginning. After not being loved and feeling lovable for so long, this initial treatment is overwhelming and welcome!
Since attraction is anchored in what feels like 'home', a good friend told me that when I get the butterflies over someone I should RUN in the opposite direction because that person is not going to be good for me.
I did better than RUN, I just FROZE for nineteen years after the last one to break my heart.
My spiritual life has been beautiful, a blessing. But my human one hurts, the ache of the loneliness weighs upon me, and I struggle with the feeling that I am damaged beyond repair. Why? Because the one thing, no matter how hard I try, I can never get right, is relationship.
And I have put together the pieces and realized that my self-esteem, my love of myself, and my believe that I can be loved, is the very essence of this one thing I can never get right no matter how hard I try.
Yesterday, I did something new.
I believe it is working.
There is a a rock star, Brian Head Welch, who was in the group Korn. He tried everything to get the most pleasure out of this world, drugs, sex, a junkie whose daughter was following his influence. His real estate agent shared a scripture with him, 'Matthew 11:28: Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest for your soul.' The real estate agent invited him to church a few weeks later, and he went, and he received Christ at the church.
He went home and said, 'Jesus, you gotta take these drugs from me. Search me right now, search my heart." He felt so much fatherly love from Heaven, and it was like, "I don't condemn you, I love you, I love you.' It was just love, love, and instantly that love from God came into me.
It was so powerful the next day he threw away all his drugs, and he quit Korn. I was like, 'I'm quitting Korn, I'm gonna raise my kid." The love of God changed me, the love of God was coming out of me, it changed me.
His dream came true, way more than he dreamed about. He made more money, played bigger shows, had houses, cars (as a singer for Korn). He thought that he could fulfill his life with all of this stuff, by having his dream come true. And it did come true, but he wasn't fulfilled.
But when Jesus Christ came in, that feeling he gives you, he gives you the gift of understanding life. Everything was created by Christ and for him. And we were created to be with him. And its the most incredible feeling because you're where you belong. And contentment is given to you in life, because you don't have to look anywhere else, and your'e exactly where you need to be. And the question about life is answered.
I took Brian's advice.
When the pain was especially agony for me, the feeling unloved and unlovable, like damaged goods, I prayed, 'Jesus, I can't fix this one no matter how hard I try. I need you to step in and help me find my way.'
I opened my heart, and I was so hungry for Love, just pure unconditional acceptance and feeling that I matter as a soul here on earth.
Brian is correct. No amount of relationships as a human, or as an angel, would fill that wound in my heart. Dreams coming true often turn into nightmares, don't they?
Jesus is the Way.
I laugh and digress. The other people like Buddha and all the other heads of religions were compared in a meme. Right? Of all things! And they all gave advice but only one is back from the dead!
Anyhow, the key that unlocks the one thing you can't do, no matter how hard you try, you always get it wrong, is most likely some belief that you acquired while you were living your life. And you can wrestle with that not being able to do the thing you want to do, until the cows come home, and it's not going to change. It can't. It's not how the whole thing works.
You can Byron Katie it (turn it around! Yes it's supposed to be that way! for me with would be you ARE supposed to be alone! and this is true because of the belief deep inside I deny, the one of the belief I am unlovable.)
You can Buddha it (chanting, chanting, and denying your needs)
You can suffer. Accept the suffering. Stay unhealed. Focus on what you can do. I've done that.
You can ask for Help. In my tradition, the way I was raised, Brian Head Welch's share sure rang true with me. So I asked for Jesus to help with this problem that was just too big for me to handle all by myself. And I meant it. And I asked Him for the hug, the loving acceptance, because I was too embarrassed of the truth that I have not been very loving of myself. The survival mode for so very long, the isolation, the loneliness...as a human. Spiritually, I have incredible loving support both incarnate and in the world of Spirit. But I've been dancing around the horrible things my mother said and did, that caused me to believe it as true,..it's been hard to function.
Will it all solve in a day? I don't have drugs and paraphernalia to throw out like Brian. But I can make a commitment to consider my needs every day, and to really nourish my soul with the only thing that can heal it, for me.
I have been present in relationship with Ross, while hiding that horrible hollow emptiness from him. And in that way, I have not actually been 'present'. Healing, both as a human and a soul, will require courageous steps like telling people how I feel, and not hiding the real me. I get to regain my salt. At my deepest core that salt is going to have flavor.
Life is beautiful, a beautiful school. And there are many valuable lessons. Depending on how deep you want to go into your life lessons, the opportunity to learn is there. And if you are getting frazzled by the one thing you cannot get right, no matter what you do, be it health, finances, relationships, having children, or whatever, remember, that the key is probably a belief somewhere deep inside that you couldn't help but think was true--but isn't--and that there's help out there you can call on any time.
Ross
This is my Carla and I am incredibly, incredibly proud of her.
Yesterday we were talking and I was teasing her a little, about 'is all this over being able to share what happened on my day?' (Ross doesn't have days -- Carla--ed)
And Carla said, 'Yes, Ross, absolutely, because these little shares about what happened on our days, with repetition, build trust and confidence in our connection, and my nervous system can relax!'
She was right! From her perspective and her confidence represented her well, despite her pain.
There is no loneliness like aching to be held, and not being held, even when having to stretch her spirit to be held and cherished up in the world of Spirit.
Carla's soul has been weary indeed!
And now it has found rest.
Not just from our times we had together the few times I was incarnate. But from her mistakes and experiences while here on Earth too.
All of this--believe it or not!--was written in her pre-birth contract, as is the same for all of you who read this and struggle with your life experiences. You are coming along, right on target, and Carla herself is only a few steps now ahead of you. Marking the trail for all of you to follow, and guiding you Home.
That is enough for today!
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple who are galactic in all ways
