Wow.
Just tonight I had a huge breakthrough.
It's funny how our families create situations where we can gain insight on old problems we have carried with us, things we were innocently exposed to and powerless to avoid while growing up.
Tonight I asked a favor and my son said 'no'. It was a harmless thing, to take a video because I was eating a hamburger. I didn't want to miss the event. He said, 'enjoy the moment'. He knows I share fun things from the ballpark on Instagram.
I was annoyed. I knew it wasn't nice of him. And I got my phone and filmed half of the National Anthem being played by a Mariachi band on Cinco de Mayo before the ballgame.
I even had the courage to say I was mad at him for that, for not being nice, and I wasn't going to eat the french fries he was offering me yet until I wasn't upset any more.
There was a giveaway tonight. The shirt is one size fist most people, but not him. He told me I had two shirts. But then later, when some total stranger said he was sad he didn't get a shirt, he gave his away. This is the softest, nicest shirt I own right now, I'm wearing it as I type, and the color is beautiful on me.
On the way home, I saw a pattern of people promising me things, and then just giving them/taking them away, and that to them my feelings didn't matter.
But to him, I said, 'You said I had two, that's the problem, you gave it to me, and then to someone else. That's why I'm upset.'
He had forgotten he's said it was mine.
Then I told him that often times you don't listen when I talk to you. And my feelings don't matter to you. You actually laugh at me. A lot. And I don't like it.
That was the healing.
Sometimes I wonder if being a little autistic (I'm adult ADHD and also high-functioning on the spectrum, not formally diagnosed but I have enough facts to make me highly suspicious) is from being raised by people who totally ignored you and your emotions, so it's underdeveloped?
I know I've had trauma, neglect, and horrible abuse from a drunken babysitter when I was around one. I learned fluent Hungarian in a hurry by age two, just to get the attention of the drunk caregiver in her native language.
But so many places...my first boyfriend used to say, when I was speaking up for myself or my needs, that I was 'just quacking' and he called me 'duck'.
My father was always telling me not to feel what I was feeling. Don't be emotional. If you cry because you want something the answer is an automatic no. If you ask rationally, then, maybe you will get a yes. My mother was the only one in the family allowed to have emotions and the whole house catered to her. And later, to my younger sister. The middle one, who had a very odd love-hate dynamic with mother. There was lots of anger and yelling between those two. And lots of sickening 'making up'.
I was a nice kid.
Really sweet.
And I never learned to set boundaries, or to command respect in my family of origin.
It was so bad that for my wedding, they secretly ordered a tuxedo for my sister's boyfriend and arranged for him to sit at the wedding table, without asking me. If they had asked I would have understood they were serious and said 'yes'. But they sneaked it on me, and when I got angry they dismissed my anger as being 'hormonal'.
How was I ever to have a successful marriage partnership and be able to raise a family, if I felt like I was worthless and I lacked the skills to interact in an emotional world? From what I have come to learn, relationships are all about being able to support one another, and when the inevitable conflict comes from misunderstanding or mistakes of any kind, to repair the relationship effectively.
No wonder I am alone! With two painful broken marriages, and a baby daddy...finally it makes sense!
I saw a thing today that said that you need to really PICK a partner, and to know them for four seasons to really know THEM, not because you want to have a partner and rush.
So much loneliness! All my life. No wonder animals and children understood me on an energetic level. I could communicate with them. I didn't have the equipment for more complex older humans. The loneliness aches and aches and never goes away.
The subconscious re-creates our family of origin and our experiences, trying to 'rewrite it'. And having suffered so much trauma, it's difficult to walk away from dysfunctional relationships because of the hope that love will come from the person who is completely unable to give it, and never has given it.
There was an apology just now, from my son. For all three misunderstandings--there's one extra I won't talk about. It's not important. I told him I felt humiliated by his behavior to me. I thanked him for the apology. And reminded him that tomorrow is a new day.
This Scorpio full moon and eclipse is very powerful.
The truth is getting out.
At my work, there's a group taking over the anesthesia at the hospital. I left in November and haven't looked back. Twenty-four hour call. No post-call day off. No vacation. Working weekends, holidays, nights.
As an aside, last Saturday I went to a friend from medical school's house for dinner. A small reunion of our classmates who were in the area for a conference. I wasn't even sure if it was a safe place, by the yard and the door, I had to check and double check. It was in disrepair. Once I was inside, I saw like from my old house--musical instruments in the living room, a huge room dedicated to Buddha and ancestors, and lots of clutter and mess. That was my 'aha!' moment! Single parent, busy work life, raising kids--somethings have to slide. And cleanliness was there in the messy house. There just wasn't time for the extras. Organization. Decluttering. Upkeep.
I've been having compassion towards myself, for having survived thirteen years of that crazy lifestyle, at one hospital, and even more years with the training and academic career before that.
Well, in a communication with administration, administration disclosed to the new anesthesia group, that 'why does anesthesia need a post call day off?' and also, 'anesthesia seems to be doing fine without vacations'.
To this private communication within the group, away from administration, one wisely said, 'we are not robots. We need time to enjoy our families.'
What I had seen and felt and sensed from the very top, and why I wanted out, was completely on target!
Wow.
Again, traumatized people will remain in bad situations longer than they should and not walk away...because of recreating the trauma from the family of origin and wanting the abusers to treat them correctly.
So it's been lots and lots and lots of healing for me. And I see I need to be confident enough to call people on it, their behavior, which is different from themselves --and emotions let me know important things like boundaries and when they are being crossed!
I still can't read a face for emotions, it's like a blank when I look at one.
But the feelings will help me to interpret the emotions of others, I will be able to sense them empathically.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy my prison cell is opening, and also, that the prison for my colleagues at the hospital is being exposed for what it has been...overwork of a 1099 independent contractor who doesn't get the benefits the state mandates for W-2 employees. No protection of the worker rights by law.
It's shameful.
It's shameful how corporations and businesses are set up for money making and just look the other way at the worker's needs while speaking out of both sides of the mouth as if they really care about the worker.
It's probably even worse in other fields. I'm certain of it.
Is it worth it to do the work?
YES!
Keep living your life as an 'outside observer' as well as experiencing it. Take in all your experiences. And when patterns turn up, pay attention.
Especially ones that seem to happen over and over and over again.
Am I 'doomed' like Sylvia Browne said, as a 'loner humanitarian'?
I was.
I was because I lacked the skills to interact with others in a healthy way, I couldn't communicate or walk away when 'respect wasn't being served'.
If your problem is one of the other ones like Sylvia described, health, money, stuff like that...as 'written in the life script as the one thing you can't get right no matter how hard you try'...maybe the case is similar? Perhaps there's important life skills (for example, delay of gratification) that are underdeveloped?
I don't know.
But I am glad that I was able to make the connection. Better late than never, right?
Ross nods in agreement. And it's time for me to go to bed.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Two
