This is a lesson Ross asked me to write about.
There are three parts. The last part was clearer to me last night, but I needed to go to bed. And tonight, it's late again, I need sleep, but because of the risk of forgetting the information, and for keeping my promise to Ross, I stay up and write.
In my culture, which is Italian/Sicilian, we have a philosophy about the children and buying them things that they enjoy. The philosophy is, 'when else in life can you make someone completely happy and blown away with so little money?' Five dollars worth of candy bars is enough to really make a kid be amazed at their sudden good fortune! So we enjoy that time in life when the innocence of the children allows us to really give them a little happiness...happiness we can afford.
I brought my car to the gas station with the car wash. I always buy the deluxe premium option even though I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between the regular, nicer, and nicest options. There are two guys at this car wash. One who makes the car go through at the beginning and pushes the button. Then there is the second one who dries off the drips on the windows and mirrors at the end. This super deluxe is about nine dollars. But I had my wallet in the back. And I took out five ones and handed it to him as a tip, at the end. I actually had to get out of the car to reach my wallet.
You should have seen the smile on that man's face! He was completely startled, surprised, and said, 'take care!'
You see on Earth we have very little time to do good works, such as this...it makes a huge difference in how things turn out in the spiritual side of things. Remember in these times of inflation and challenges financially, giving a surprise generosity that is completely unexpected is a good thing.
There are many ways to do this sort of generosity. The internet has stories of paying it forward, or paying for the person in line behind you, so many things. It helps to have discernment because many play the 'charity' card professionally and can be quite convincing! But when it resonates, follow your heart, and give of your time, talent and treasure. The one who will benefit the most is actually you.
This last one, wow. Um, lots of progress. When I hit sort of a rock bottom in the relationship/healing department recently, I was a little overwhelmed. If we back up thirty, forty years...I was grieving my first boyfriend, and looking for someone new after that breakup. But I didn't have the social skills or the emotional maturity to ask for what I wanted, or even believe I deserved it.
I married and instead of joy, I found more sorrow. With my health. Then with the memory of what happened when I was little, a terrible trauma that was sexual in nature. It turned out my husband had similar, but didn't think it was a big deal. So there was no loving support I needed to heal my wounds.
I turned to my career. Left my husband. And this started the long, long line of 'wanting someone to make it better' and 'wanting to get it right'. I dated many. I married. I divorced. I dated again. And I became a mom.
Along the way the psychic gifts and memories of past lives came out. Ross entered the picture. I learned about the role of the healthy masculine and healthy feminine in relationship. I longed to be able to pick up where I had left off in my area of expertise as a soul.
But nothing.
Even Ross grew distant and quiet.
Then I started the work of actually grasping the situation. I am an anxious attacher. I was raised by narcissists. I know it's harsh but my maternal grandmother told me when I was an adult that she and my grandfather were worried for us kids, (so much yelling and hippie ideals) and they made extra effort to be a stable, loving home for us so we would know everything was going to be okay.
I've even learned there's a little high-functioning spectrum in me and I mask well (I've suspected it for years) and some adult ADHD. And the clutter is a sign of a brain that's been formed with trauma. Even now, I have compassion for two year old me who if I didn't put my toys away at night my father would have thrown them in the trash the next morning. No wonder why I have so much trouble with object constancy! My brain was in that stage of forming and WHAM! Again and again the betrayals. The neglect from the drunken babysitter.
That was rock bottom. How can you heal when your brain isn't right somehow in the emotions/organization department? How can you heal a broken heart when you have to 'love yourself' first but with an upbringing like mine how could you understand what love is in the first place?
Mom and Dad deeply loved one another. But they didn't prepare me for my future. I appreciate the lessons, the time spent caring for us, the sports and hobbies and activities.
I also have been looking up over perhaps the last year or so, men from my past. And actually, I've been with some pretty awesome people. One even turned into a restauranteur in the Bay Area! And being in contact with my first boyfriend still, it's a blessing.
Today I spoke with Ross. I told him I wanted a boyfriend. I've been telling him that for a long time now.
Someone HERE.
He asked me what I like about him?
His kindness. His protecting me. His caring for me.
He helped me to see that with him there, it's not much different than with him here. The love is the same.
I told him I need someone for daily talks, for companionship.
He said he understands that.
But underneath it all, I saw that I wanted my Divine Feminine to glow and be healthy, in relationship with an incarnate Divine Masculine. He understood. I wanted to be 'whole'. Spiritually. While incarnate.
And this is where the healing, that I can't begin to explain how it happened, arrived to me. There was this steady, building knowing of Truth.
What I thought was broken in me, isn't.
Nothing can break our Divine Birth Right.
There is nothing to heal.
Yes, it's nice to have new communication strategies for relationship, especially as an anxious attacher and knowing avoidant ones.
I've realized that Anthony's dad did a number on me. But it's him, not me, that wasn't right.
I don't need training wheels to be Divine Feminine in action, because I always have been, and I always shall be. It can't be hidden. I only need to align with it more fully. Sort of to get out of its way.
I've seen love as love in the workplace, at Anthony's sports team, with our family...it's all love. Romantic love, which I had thought was a 'solution', is something deeply spiritual but not a band aid to a lifetime of pain. Pain from yesterday, no matter how painful, isn't here with us the same today. And instead of carrying it around, like I always have, my burden lightened.
Gone is the pressure to heal or to heal in relationship to 'get it right'.
In Plastic surgery one trades looks for new scars.
In Relationship we trade opportunities for growth as a single person, for opportunities for growth and healing with another person who wants the same. It isn't easy. And as long as both want it, and there's that spark, a 'safe place' is created and we grow. A little bit of catch up growth, perhaps, but also, growing in our Truth.
Today was the first day I didn't hate being alone. And I know I'm going to be okay. Because it's this feeling I had to experience, from deep inside, that what is inside cannot be broken. The mind can break. The body can fall apart. The emotions can be abused in so many ways. But the birthright is just as there as it ever was, and it's completely unchanged by all of the experiences. It just takes letting go of the past and welcoming the future.
Are there going to be hopes, expectations, disappointments? Absolutely! it's part of the Life Experience.
If you need to heal, hang in there. Live your life lessons to the fullest. Be candid with your guides. Unburden your heart. Answer the questions Spirit asks you. Take care of yourself and your house the best you can. Slow down. Do nothing at times. Sleep in. Let go. And you will be surprised how quickly Spirit can take you where you need to be ready. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. and Spiritually.
I'm so grateful for that heavy weight off my shoulders. And Ross wanted me to write about it. So I did.
He's smiling and nodding and says to me good night.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are across the veil from one another
