I've been struggling.
The difference between my struggles before, and now, is that now I turn to Ross. I tell him what is going on, inside, and how I can't figure it out. I don't feel right inside, I tell him. I'm sad. I don't know why?
He helps me to work through the words to describe the feelings. A lot of the feelings are from overwhelm.
I've been in this house two years, and its a lot of work and I still haven't moved in. The pandemic really made a mess because I bought extras for 'just in case' and there's no place to put it.
I had an invitation to go to a friend's son's graduation party. But I felt RAW. I didn't know if I could handle all the energies at the part. It's a forty minute drive. Ross asked me, gently, 'what do you need for you?' I decided to stay home.
There's a little statue of Buddha I have in my yard. I honor Khiem Dao, MD with it. It was surrounded by healthy garlic plants. But yesterday I decided to take the nice stone bowl I have and place it next to Buddha. So I pulled/dug up garlic. It's nice Sicilian garlic, and there was enough to make a braid. I found a tile that says LOVE on it, and I put it on the other side of Buddha to balance it.
Ross asked me to cut off the dead lavender blooms to make room for the new ones. He asked, 'will you do this?' I said yes. I've never done that. Usually it's covered with bees, but the bees seem not to mind me much these days. As I worked, I realized this is the only plant I've ever bought from Trader Joes that has done well.
But I started to cry.
I miss so many of my loved ones who are on the other side now.
I just miss them.
I miss their voice. I miss their smiles. I miss even their quirks that used to bother me.
But I said out loud, as I cut, 'I'm taking out the old to make room for the new'.
There wasn't a single bee, they had moved on to the winter savory that is blooming.
Today I'm going to pull weeds. I have to go early because there are a lot of them. I'm creating garden paths. My grandfather used to have them, metal signs but used on the ground. They were narrow and easy to walk. I've taken old cardboard boxes and open them to a single flat piece. I'm putting them down to give me an idea where I want the paths, and also, perhaps I can put decomposed granite or gravel on the paths. The cardboard should keep the weeds down.
It is very important to me not to commit to anything permanent in the yard. I like change. That's why I could never commit to a tattoo, I'd grow to get sick of it over time. Even if at the time I got it I thought it was the best thing ever. Permanent isn't good for my mental health.
So, I'm learning to talk with my plants here. And the trees. They can stay because they are living beings.
One died recently, it was a eucalyptus I'd grown from a seed. It's in a pot and taller than me. But, I couldn't plant it in the yard, it would get huge. I've come to understand with the heat and the years--over ten!--it was time. I tell it I'm sorry and it's spirit still talks to me, and it says it was time.
I'm working to heal deep ancestral pain from my mother's native land. It's hard to explain but I've been called to do it. And the sorrow that needs to be healed is not being able to sustain themselves by living off the land.
I didn't think I could do it. But for tonight's Caprese salad, I have the tomatoes and basil right here! I was told to save the figs from this season, and to dry them. Even last Spring I was able to eat our own salads from greens and dandelions.
On the side yard the mint is going crazy and in bloom. It's never bloomed. The bees love it. I have felt sad because I didn't plant it. I wanted to plant other things. But somehow I understood that I inherited a big healthy field of mint. There's lots I can do with mint. And if a time comes, and I really want to, I can take it out. It doesn't have to be forever.
As we heal, we receive love from the Earth, and the Earth receives our love.
Make a point to spend time healing and growing close to Nature soon, and make a regular habit of it.
Ross smiles and nods. He says I have written enough.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
