Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Our Best


Ross said it's okay to share.

By 'accident' (in other words, Divine Timing), my former brother-in-law's wife from his second marriage posted a 'memory' on FB from eleven years ago, where my first husband and his wife from his second marriage went with all the kids to spend time with them in their cabin in Northern California.

I was able to look at the FB page of my ex and his wife. They share.

I looked with interest at the photos. How age had affected my ex. 

I knew who she was because she had been like a prom queen and he had dated her before me, and before his girlfriend he had (a math major, who dumped him) before me. 

Photos tell you a lot. The wife I know from my friend my brother-in-law's wife, has a strong personality. She won't even go over to the in-law's house, they are that toxic. (They were then, and they are now). She's a realtor. 

She's 'that kind' of wife who sets the tone for the household, I could see it in the decor. And I could tell that once his parents told him to 'put his foot down' with her, like they did with me, then, it completely backfired on them.

I could see in his smile, by his eyes, that he wasn't really happy, not a happy person, he probably never was with me too, I don't know. But he was a good person making the best and doing everything he could for his family. 

His personality cost him me, the first woman he dated after me (a mutual friend), and even now with his wife he reads all her email. He is that controlling. 

When we were together, we were doing our best. 

And with all the healing I have done, with my anxious attachment, and early life experiences of trauma, I'm much better now than how I was back then. I understand my emotions and how to regulate them.

I was looking for a photo I liked, one a friend had taken last year, and while searching through the photos, I saw two of my ex number two. I had been searching for him last November, why I don't know. 

Actually there is a scam named after him, where people send in money to find a job and have their chance at a position that doesn't exist. I am not sure if it was his scam or just his name sounds good on the scam and someone used it.

But with these, a head shot and a profile, you could see his cruelty and ego much clearer than you could when I was with him. 

Again, if I had been the type of woman who could speak assertively and keep him in line, we probably would have been okay and never gotten to the kinds of fights we had. 

Both of us, like in my first marriage, had unhealed trauma from our youngest ages. 

We had been doing our best, too. 

I could say things about how he wanted his 'investment' in me to 'pay off'--the twenty thousand dollar trip to Italy he had planned on my graduation--which we cancelled because my niece was deathly ill and in ICU. But I won't. That's just his childhood suffering showing up again and his way to 'fix it'.

And a bullet I dodged.

Even with Anthony's father, again, he needed a woman who would make him settle down, get a real job, and work on her unending list of projects to remodel and upgrade their house. His personality found a much stronger one than mine. 

Every time I was with these three men, I thought it was love. And indeed, it 'was' love.  As much as my traumatized self could experience it. 

What I experience with Ross, and my teams, is more soothing and different. It's like remembering something I used to know a long time ago...something better than limerence or attachment like I had misinterpreted for 'love' in my earlier relationships. 

With the security of healthy attachment, you can face your fears and heal. 

I'm so grateful for this. Healing is available for EVERYONE. No matter what you've seen or experienced.


Good memories, good partnership, and support can rewire the brain and the nervous system. Help arrives in a variety of ways. Be open to it. Even YouTube and Instagram are helpful!

Now I have an early start. I must go.

clap! clap!

Aloha and Mahalos,



Ross and Carla

The Couple