I've been working hard still.
It's not enough to just sit back once you've gained a new perspective, or to take breaks. Human life is short and therefore we do better when we go with the life lessons and soak up enough of the 'local atmosphere' on our journey.
I have been dutifully going along with all the things, the curves life has thrown at me, keeping calm and studying the best I can to heal my anxious attachment style. I've grown to learn anxiety is a warning system, it's not an 'end point'. And you can learn to regulate your emotions, so even though the anxiety is basically 'hardwired in', it doesn't have to affect you as much as it did in the past.
Under the expert guidance of Ross and my teams, I'm back at the original place emotionally, where our marriage back in the day began to fall apart. I'm feeling the same feelings, only now, I am able to verbalize them and seek clarification and input from Ross.
Ross?
Do you need me?
I don't feel like you need me now, or that you ever did.
If our eternity is going to be another round of you being busy and not having time for me, like before, I'm hesitant to want to go forward with it.
Ross?
What do you have to say?
I challenged him with those exact same words, with those exact same logic phrases, and with the same original pain in my heart, a pain of rejection from the one I love...because of his need to 'save the world' at the expense of his family.
Ross spoke from his heart. I know, because it rang true, and I could feel it resonate in my heart as he said it.
He said he DID need me.
Then he showed me how to look for it.
He never in a million years before had said it, not those words, and it had broken my heart.
Instead, this time, he asked the questions--that's how he teaches, even in close interpersonal time with me.
Did you see me going to anyone else for support? Who did I seek out? Where did I come home at the end of the day, or whenever I could?
Like with a magnifying glass, from the realm of Spirit, from that perspective I was able to analyze every little bit of his behavior. He was right! It was consistent with a pattern of someone who truly did care, but didn't know how to express it...in ways I could understand.
What's different now, is I am learning assertiveness. And how to ask for my needs. In the future, I'll be able to tell him how I am feeling and what would make me feel really close and loved and bonded to him.
The system works!
Yes, we live in difficult times, and the world might blow up any day now, depending on what they are broadcasting on the latest mainstream news...
Remember if you have the news in one hand, and your lessons in the other, only one of those hands is going to help you any way whatsoever in the Afterlife! So work on them!
A last aside, is to really know our journey here is a short one. Be sure to soak in all of the sights and sounds and feelings. If you are stuck in traffic, well, since you can't do anything about it, why not delight in being able to experience genuine Earth Traffic? And all the emotions that go with it?
If you see a person who believes differently from you--why not rejoice that you get to see a REAL one of those whatever they are you happen to be seeing?
Here in California, we have the surfers, the low riders, the fruit cart people, the trophy wives, you name it...it's quite a mix. You rub elbows with these people.
Sunday I saw who I think was Dennis Rodman going into a grocery store in Newport Beach. I've met him before once. Shook his hand.
Especially for those of us who are, um, 'known' on The Other Side, being 'unknown' here is really fun. Like 'Undercover Boss'.
Enjoy it.
Time for Pilates!
I was working up until 0300 last night on call. I've been resting all day. Time to regenerate because tomorrow is another long day.
Ross is happy I can feel it, because I am growing in ways that took me a long time to grow. He says if the tree is healthy there is always time for it to correct and to grow up straight.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
