Today was the very first time I saw progress in everything I have been working so hard on my personal growth and healing to achieve!
As an anxious attacher, I have been reading the book and journaling through an author/Instagram person who 'clicks' with me. I've been seeing things from a different perspective, letting go, and putting a lot in God's hands.
After working at Long Beach yesterday, I realized that there, is sort of a certain level of professionalism that nobody--from all ranks and positions in the hospital--will ever go beneath. Even the women volunteers in the Gift Shop were way more professional too!
Somehow my subconscious and conscious realized that what's been happening to me at my place of work is not only wrong, it should never have been permitted to happen! I'm the one who had the 'slippery boundaries' because of fear ('I needed the work').
But compromising yourself, or trying to do things to get people to accept you/love you/change how they perceive you--only causes a disconnect with your own soul. It's a form of betrayal against your own gift of YOU.
What happened?
I shifted from 'reactive' to 'reaction' and 'proactive'.
On the schedule last night my boss put me in a room with the mean surgeon who makes me cry.
Ordinarily I would have danced around and gotten upset and talked to everybody and not been able to get any sleep...with anxiety and dread.
Instead I figured there's a chance things would change and if they did, fine, if now, I'd deal with it at the place and time I needed.
The Charge Nurse, a friend, asked me if I'd be able to work after that case (I was first to leave on the schedule). I said it depends on how things go, if the surgeon makes me cry, then I need to leave at once. I was willing to put our differences aside and work with him if he was willing to do the same.
I saw him in Pre-Op. He was professional and cordial. We discussed the plan.
The case went okay. Not great or perfect but it went well. (I had two tries at the arterial line).
The feather in my cap was that I held my pee the whole five hours! Time before he stopped working with me, I must have had too much coffee, or too much nerves, or a bladder infection. I had to pee like, five or six times during the case. But today? HE had to break scrubs to, in his words, 'take a piss'. Right in the middle of the case!
I felt good about it. It wasn't as bad as I would have imagined. And I was really glad for the opportunity to work with him like I had been doing for twenty years at my old hospital and the beginning of this one.
My 'don't fuck with me' attitude is online, and firing like it should!
If' you've suffered trauma, you'll know how easy it is to let things slide. You've suffered far worse, in reality, so this offense is not anywhere near as much of a violation, so you just put up with it. It conditions you and you resent things to be like that.
Here is was with the abuser, interacting well, not being fawning or obsequious. And to the Charge Nurse before I said that the interactions with him have been so bad for so long I could sue and I just won't put up with it!
All of this 'awakening' stuff seems so utterly 'airy fairy' most of the time, doesn't it? But when you follow your gut, your soul guidance, work with your guides, and put in the effort, you heal. And it heals into a wonderful surprise just like I had today.
Ross nods in agreement. He's proud of me, I can tell.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Couple
