My healing journey has taken an unexpected turn as of late. I've discovered a whole new layer of healing with Ross, who has been working with me extensively today, one on one. And I'm really, really working hard to accept and allow this healing. It stretches me just about as much as I am able to stretch.
Since it's so new, and so deep, I'll explain how I found myself at this point.
I've discovered I am an anxious attacher. Remember all those times when I was little and had neglect from the babysitter? And other things at home? It affected how I 'bond' with people. People who are in my private life, in my home, and in my heart as a partner. It's not easy for me to attach, and I get very nervous and upset and hyper vigilant over any inkling or possibility I could be abandoned in any way.
A big part of healing this maladaptation is to learn to take care of yourself, to fill your cup first. This is a skill to practice and learn.
But another part of the healing is the disruption and extenuating circumstances in my life. It seems like whenever I get my hopes up for a day to do what I need and what I want, then, things disrupt it! My boss called and wanted me to work for him, even though the schedule came out without my working. I had that 'aaaahhhhh' going thinking I was going to catch up and sleep in...then BAM! Had to say yes. Well, an hour later, a surgeon cancelled a line up due to corona (more on that subject later) and someone else took my room! So I WAS off.
I like to plan.
I really do.
But my lifestyle has made it darn near impossible to plan a day all out.
So, Anthony left for school.
I went to the porch swing.
I cried.
I don't know what to do with my life, I'm just not happy. Work is weird I'm not even going to discuss it. But it's highly unstable. Relationships aren't easy. And that deepest part of Ross' and my relationship--how it kind of fell apart in that lifetime, and yet we both loved each other--I cried.
I cried off and on today, a lot.
But, in that porch swing, Ross explained something he's never talked about before: all of this is fake.
None of it is Real.
Yes we experience it. We experience it so we can learn about our personalities more. About our hearts. And my being absolutely destroyed by his passing was, in his words, 'a sign of how much I can love'.
Back Home is what's Real.
And Back Home I am absolutely loved and confident and in a state of Bliss.
Here it's like a movie, or a game. Even though it feels like forever and we've lived thousands of lives, there is no such thing as Time.
He brought this up to ease my pain. It worked a little.
I also put all my worries in his care, and asked him to help guide me through the steps of my day, since I wasn't really up to planning anything any more.
Again, later this afternoon, I went in the pool, and Ross had me just float and just 'be'. We talked again, in depth, about all of the various things going on with my lesson. I realized back in the day, he loved me, even though we didn't have the best marriage...and even more, he loves me Now. As in Now and Forever. He loves me a lot.
So, even though it was painful, today I needed to realize I am lovable (childhood wounds were not only unjust, they weren't true, because I was innocent AND lovable)...and let all that love soak in. From everywhere.
It's not easy to realize you are lovable just the way you are.
It's super easy to love others the way they are.
He also went over how even though we may feel guilt over various things we have had in our life experiences, he can take that all away. Partly because it's not Real as in Home/Heaven. Partly because we have the gift of moving beyond such things, and starting new whenever we wish.
I wish I could explain it better this lesson, it's almost like words are failing me. I trust and I hope that Spirit and Ross and our Teams will help you understand the concept. At least better than my explanation, which is a good start and that's about it.
Ross wants us to focus on what is good. And to keep dreaming and moving forward. In the healing part, if you are asked to get to this deepest layer, it's okay, it's not scary, and it feels the closest yet to being Home. So give it a try, if you are so invited by your Life lessons!
On 'that subject'. It is not supposed to be a 'summer thing'. The original one was around in winters, like influenza. This particular type is going like wildfire. Even Anthony caught it. My immune system is working from January, I'm still good. From what I understood heat and humidity killed the infectious organism. So this is a huge warning bell going off...just odd...wondering what Fall will bring....
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
the Couple who are very much in Love
