Growth is a fascinating concept. Once you commit, there is no turning back. However, it has it's ups and downs. It's time to share with you about our latest twists and turns on my emotional healing...
The last time, I asked Ross if he needed me?
He couldn't really answer, because I was the one who made his food, his clothes, his home...I was always THERE. He carefully showed me how his actions clearly respected me. He needed me in this way.
Then, in another way, he came through with an even stronger message. He showed me his shoes, they were not ugly like simple Birkenstocks, they were regal, with jewels and golden designs, and very well worn. I saw the hem of his garment, it was brilliant white linen and very fine work, ironed to perfection.
He showed me ancient India, where we once lived. You could see the temple, the cities, our home. In an instant I was with him again, his right hand holding my left, and we were walking down the street as a couple. People were greeting him, so many people knew him. One came and quietly asked him for help. And he conferred with me, and then invited the man to dinner at our house the next night.
The feeling of being home, in our simple, humble, yet loving home, for dinner, just the two of us, was so healing. You could see two round loaves of bread on the table. Simple. Yet satisfying. I knew I had made that bread for us possible...
He gave four special messages I knew were just for me.
The next day, I felt better, saucy even, and said, 'Ross? You have a chance to win my heart!'
He was blown away by my newfound confidence!
.......................
But as healing goes, confidence like this is only a rest between the lessons.
What I am dealing with now, are my needs. Both then, and now. Back then, I was like property, I was not permitted to have needs, although, clearly, Ross broke my heart a number of ways. For the first time, I was able to express it to him in the safety of our relationship...when he was 'with the guys' it was really hard on me. Yes I traveled with him for years, but the men dismissed my intelligence, and looked down upon me for trying to learn and share in the discoveries and truths. It hurt. It hurt a lot to see Ross taking more of their input to his consideration, ultimately being misled by really evil people. I could see it. He couldn't. It drove a horrible wedge between us.
I have been spending a lot of time, and will continue, not only talking with Ross about my needs--then and in the foreseeable future--but taking time to learn how to be assertive and speak up for my needs.
In tears, yesterday, I asked Ross if it's going to be the same old thing again, him spending lots of time with his cronies and doing his own thing, and ignoring me? Ross knows what to say now. He's done his growth, and he's learned, and he was able to explain it gently to me in ways that I understand. He promises we will have time together too, and it will be good for us both. In many ways.
Wounds like this, emotional ones, take time.
I was explaining to my best friend, that I don't want to die 'broken' emotionally. I want to do everything I can to 'get back' what was originally mine, my birthright to love and be happy and free. That's why I do this work. That's why I study hard and read and do journals and notebooks. I want to be ready. Even if the only purpose is to keep up hope in these difficult times. It's my soul that's driving me.
That's why I share. If you soul is driving you toward wholeness too.
Now I'm going to enjoy some 'dream time'--outside in the pool and in the sun.
Here's the Schumann resonance today. It's very white, very high energy, very good.
Ross nods and agrees and gestures me to go outside.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
