Happiness Is An Inside Job

It took a few days to heal, and to recover from the healing. My teacher Barbara let me know my healing with her was done, and that I was going to be okay.

I felt lighter.

My teams--I saw Ross looking quite serious when Barbara started working with me--and also, before my last session, during meditation--he poked me in my soul, various places, with his finger, looking to see if old emotional wounds still hurt.

I couldn't feel them. I can't even really remember them, either. Just vaguely. But what Barbara did was give me the combination of experiences, her hard-gained knowledge fused over my own, to expedite my soul healing and recovery from truly being at a point where I could not take it any more.

Which brings us to today.

Our lesson involves that which we can control, and that which we can't. There is a form of radical acceptance of What Is...some people call it Surrender, that's another way to look at it. So what I'm going to cover is the lesson, the recovery, and the application of the lesson to help us be strong.

My lesson focused on self-worth. Being able to see what it is that I truly want in life. Just in this incarnation, but also, as a sum-total of all my incarnations. 

I want to be able to talk about my feelings in a safe and supportive environment. I want to feel like I can be 'normal' with someone else who is 'normal' too. I want to be HEALED.  This is happening, thanks to the work I've put in and with a huge push from Barbara.

I want to explore my Divine Femininity, and to optimize it as best as possible while being incarnate.

I want to meet obstacles head-on, as an opportunity to make life better--so when the tire goes flat, or there's something to be fixed around the house--I don't get all bent out of shape like I used to. 

I am serious about having all my gifts working together in synthesis, nothing being hidden or ignored, for the highest good and not to shy from this. I happen to know what some of these gifts are, but that's a side story that could really take us off point. We can say I want to embody Joy. And Divine Creator's plan fully for me. This time around.

Today is the rehearsal dinner for Anthony's biological father.  Tomorrow is the wedding. 

I know I shouldn't be alone. Today I worked. I got to visit with Anthony for a short time. Then I went to the post office. I was going to have leftovers. But I thought, my soul has done a lot of work and healing, I should do something nice for me. What would that inner child warrior princess have wanted, and how could I soothe and reward her for doing such a wonderful job healing?

Mc Donald's. 

I had a cheeseburger. It was awful, cold, flavorless. But it's what I used to always eat. And I had a filet of fish and small fries. And my sometimes indulgence but rarely, a diet Dr. Pepper, small. 

You know when you do things that are good for your soul, you get interruptions. I got phone call and texts and needed to tell my boss what assignment I wanted for Monday. At Mc Donald's there were lots of random Junior High kids being louder than loud.  It wasn't the old-school one mom took me where I fed the birds most of my french fries...

Then tomorrow I have plans to keep me busy. I won't be alone. 

It's been a long time, a generation almost, and Jared can do whatever the heck he wants to do. I am almost free of him. Almost. a few more months.  Anthony sort of dropped a bomb about how he gets to pick whatever holidays he wants, and now he doesn't know how he can do that without making one parent or the other mad at him. He said it's like he's married to himself and he has to decide how to spend the holidays with both families. 

All the more reason to focus on building a life of my own I can nourish my soul and embody joy!

The strip mall I was at with the Mc Donald's, was like a ghost town in a way. Many of the anchor stores there when Anthony was little were 'for lease'. So there were random 'people having fun shopping' images plastered over the windows of the empty stores.

One image was a girl, kind of like this.

I looked at her, and thought of myself, and realized, 'damn, that is one strong human being to withstand all that!'

So innocent, so young, and severely traumatized...and yet...kept moving forward and forward and learning and healing and still carrying the hope of hopes to 'get it right'. To walk in both the world of Spirit and the world of Earth simultaneously, and trusting in the Divine to guide her to complete activation and embodiment and sharing of her many gifts!

That's a really major part of the healing experience--and it's important to look and see how far you've come. To appreciate it. To celebrate it. 

And to tell Creator what you would like to experience in the future, as a complete and whole, healed, human being. 

Take time to experience that step.

There is a homework I have for you today. Barbara had given it to me. I had to practice it for three hours while I waited at Costco for the flat tire to be fixed. 

Relax. Relax everything. Let go of all thinking.

Focus on the heart.

Raise your heart and slide it a little forward.

Imagine someone you love and trust a little above you, floating. 

Guide your heart towards theirs. Push yours just a little forward.

When you get it right, they 'lock' together gently, and a warm, warm golden feeling will flow into your chest. It's how it's supposed to feel when you are in a healthy connection. It's like the Nurturing, Warmth, Love and Compassion energy of Heaven. Only it's like a small trickle or fountain from one soul to the next. 

It's an important skill to have, and it takes practice. 

It's equally important to know what the right connection feels like,  a healthy one and not a trauma-bonding one. 

You want ultimately to keep all your interactions in this method of heart-warming, heart-centered exchange. 

Here's also what I chose not to do to 'celebrate' or 'dull myself' today with the shock/soul pain of the rehearsal dinner and marriage, or my recent healing.  I avoided sugar. I avoided alcohol. I avoided television. I avoided staying home alone and cleaning. I avoided feeling sorry for myself. I avoided trying to get inside Jared's head--or any of the family--and dramatize. I avoided dumping on Anthony although I did show him the clip of Harry met Sally so he would have a clue of what it's like. I avoided looking to the past. I also avoided worrying about the future. I kept myself in the here and now. And I also bought a gift for my friends I get to spend time with tomorrow. 

We all have our tests. We all have our burdens. 

God wants us happy. And to feel like little children in our heart. 

Trauma can heal. And it doesn't have to be 'understood' or 'logical' to heal it. Spirit can do a lot for us. I am an example. 

Ross asked me to share with you my dreams.  My own. Not withstanding our eventual reunion somewhere in time. 

My mom saw me at the end of my life/later years on a ranch. She was right about my having Anthony when I thought I'd never have kids. I'd like to see that come true if it's meant to be.

I want to enjoy my body and exercise more now that Anthony is older and can drive.

I want to understand my Purpose. And to live it. I need to check in more with my teams because I'm not sure if I am needed to share more or to focus on my own needs more, it's fuzzy. So clarity and movement to fulfill my Purpose. 

I want to travel. So many I love are in Europe. And I love Japan so much, Hawaii too. 

I want to be organized. It sounds impossible but I like a challenge! I used to be organized long time ago.

I want to create. Bracelets are nice. Gardening is nice. 

If times get rough, I want to guide others and inspire them, 'under the radar' so I can keep that up effectively the whole time. 

I want to be an ambassador for Spirit, and a teacher. I love love to teach, especially about The Other Side. 

I want to enjoy my family too. Family is everything. I want to love on people and just enjoy them. My star family too. 

Ross says this is enough.

It's my bedtime now.

Thank you for helping me pass the time. Tomorrow is an early day!

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Ross and Carla

The Twins who are One Spirit <3 in Heaven