Yesterday had been a hard day.
Whenever I do work at the place where my soul is assigned to do, the next day, it seems, I get lots of 'push back' is a polite way to say it. And yesterday, I just wanted to cry because the energies were so horrible that were directed at me.
I was home and managed to make it through my day. But there's going to be a thirteen-hundred dollar car repair needed to keep one of our cars going. I was sad.
I was able to send a birthday gift to France (two birthdays in one household) and also the beautiful amazonite hamsa necklace along with one I made for a woman who has been taking care of her husband who has had Parkinson's disease for like, forever.
I had wanted a screen protector for my cell phone, but was having trouble. I went to not one but two stores which usually have them. I actually had to miss dinner to go to my appointment not too far away. It was beautiful there and I took pictures of the shopping center at sunset. I sent healing from there too.
When I came home, Anthony had loved his dinner (his post-swim shower had taken long, that's why I didn't eat) he was watching a movie called 'Robin Hood in tights'. It was an old Mel Brooks movie from 1993.
What a different world it was back then! A much happier and cleaner one. Dave Chapelle was a saracen named 'Achoo'. I enjoyed my salad and dinner and San pellegrino sparkling water very much while watching the movie.
Earlier in the day, I had been watching this clip of Meg Ryan bawling her heart out to Billy Crystal about Joe getting married in the movie When Harry Met Sally. Oh my gosh she nailed it. She totally nailed it about the feelings when your ex gets married, as Anthony's dad is getting married on Saturday. The father of my son didn't love me, there was something wrong with me, I drove him away. It might have worked out for the best, but it still doesn't negate those horrible, self-punishing thoughts that had been running through me all day...
I managed to stay up to nine-thirty to finish the movie. And when Anthony said we had bought it a long time ago, like ten years ago, because his dad had talked about it but never watched it, and we owned it, I realized just how smart Spirit is to prepare such things for us in the future. Watching these characters who we know from Larry David and other movies acting in this one was like medicine. So I went to bed happy.
And I went straight to bed because I was so tired.
Just as I was about to fall asleep, my friend in Toronto's mom appeared to me on Spirit side. I wasn't sure to talk to her, and she said, 'let's not sit at the desk like we normally do'. We sat more at a table that looked like an old breakfast or tea shop, more chairs really than table, and I saw she wanted to talk to me professionally.
I wasn't adult any more. And she knew what to do.
I checked with Ross if this was okay? He nodded yes.
The first thing she did was she gave me a doll.
An antique wooden doll.
And it wasn't just any doll.
It was HER doll.
I knew it was true, I could feel it, I could feel the love she had put into it and only she had put into it.
It was so warm and kind and beautiful, right there in my arms. It was the first thing that has ever soothed anything in my soul's heart.
Ever.
I'm crying now as I write this, it felt so good to have so much as a band-aid placed on my soul wounds.
In the O.R. last week, when we were alone, a beautiful nurse and Reiki student Stephanie said, 'I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were little.' It was the only time anyone has ever said anything to me in this life about that, and it really, really helped.
But Barbara, was working across many, many incarnations, all at the same time, soul to soul.
I had never imagined anyone could be so beautiful, so kind, so loving, so knowledgable (she told me she knows how to help kids who have boo boos like mine), and so interested in helping me. I had her full attention and I could tell as a soul this was what she was born to do!
She made a fence kind of near me, with the energy of someone I know, to protect me. He was far, I couldn't touch him, but he was there protecting the space just beyond anyone's arms reach, making sure I was okay and no spiritual anything could interrupt or interfere with the healing that was going on.
Then Barbara started asking me questions. Lots and lots of questions, and writing things down. But they didn't hurt, and they weren't like 'what happened' or trying to prove truth like police would ask.
I haven't experienced that kind of caring from Spirit ever, even though I know Spirit truly does care.
I haven't experienced that kind of healing before.
When I woke up this morning, I had a prayer in my heart, and I said, 'God, please help me feel love today'.
You see, when you've been through a lot, as a soul, it's kind of like an anorexic who is trying to recover and be able to eat food again. It's hard. And the only thing is, you need love just like you need food. But you are so traumatized you are starving for it and even if you were to 'eat' piles of it you'd still be hungry and feeling like you never got any because you're basically a dirty starving wild orphan soul who's struggling with this most basic concept of life. That's why plants and animals and children are so much easier to get to know and spend time with because they aren't fully human with all the weird social cues and rules yet. It is very, very difficult for me to feel like I am loved. I've been at the edge of my coping skills, struggling to heal, on my own for a long time. Months. The Crappy Childhood Fairy helps me realize I'm in the dysregulation zone--which is uncomfortable--and I do my best to 'regulate' and tolerate the discomfort as that's the best way to heal I know how. It's called 'fake it till you make it'.
But last night was such a wonderful gift, and Ross approved of it. It's working today, I feel so much better.
So, if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you kindly for your Spiritual support and love to help me get through this healing phase, and also, for today at work because it appears I will be taking care of a Covid patient in a procedure that has lots of aerosols being generated. I'll have protective gear. But being able to use the right equipment for this case is a little tricky and I've never done it in all that gear. I like the surgeon, I trained with him, and I want to do everything right. It's time to get ready for work now.
Thank you Jesus for sending me help to heal my soul. And thank you Barbara for your expertise and for sharing it with me. You have my permission to do whatever it takes to heal my soul. And you have my blessings and gratitude too.
I wrote everything I could so I could remember this.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The leaders in Spiritual recovery and hope
