Gleaning is an old word which goes back to the harvest of wheat. You look for the lost kernels left behind in the process of separating the wheat from the chaff. There is a lot of inspection and sifting through things to find the kernels of food which will sustain you.
Yesterday I did that with my imagined wound of being not asked to be married by the father of my son. Finding out he had did that to his girlfriend--which on a logical level I totally knew with and was okay with it to happen!--to my delicate emotional world.
What did I learn?
The Universe was very generous in its lessons and advice. From many sources information came. Some of it 'stuck', others I suppose didn't make sense. I wasn't really able to function much, so, I stayed home and I decided to bake and cook. I made an old favorite I used to make with Tom. I've perfected it over the years. It's lemon squares or lemon bars as they now call them. I used a lemon from our yard for the first time. I also made my first recipe from the Julia Child cookbook, Beef Bourgingnon.
While my hands worked, I was watching and listening to information online, as well as taking breaks and resting and talking with Spirit.
The abandonment issues go way back. Way way way back to when Ross was alive and went on his 'walkabouts'. I didn't understand him any more, with these 'needs' to 'go' and leave me behind. Not just for day to day things but for sometimes extended absences. I had always thought it was my wound from my mom and the next kid being born. But it wasn't. I saw clearly and asked Ross 'what were you thinking?' then, and also, I verbalized how I didn't like it and it hurt me very much.
So much so that at that point, I gently asked for Michael to come and guide me the rest of the day.
The the video of Sister of Fire I was able to understand how weak my Divine Feminine had become. When Anthony was little, I was in Heaven in this regard, I felt like I was doing what I was born to do, and I was so happy to be needed and busy. Now, not so much.
I saw on another post online about how people are dealing with aging, it isn't easy, it's the Lord's way but it's difficult to accept.
I also learned, through more videos, how I was vulnerable to being in relationship with a narcissist...and not only was Jared not right for me, but due to the intensity of the distress I felt with him and his leaving me, there were probably more than one demon involved in his actions towards me.
Michael, ever so gently, said, 'It is your trauma that makes you so beautiful.' I wrote that down. I don't know if it was my ability to stick to my Life Lesson and endure the trauma, or the wanting to much to HEAL from the trauma...he is correct that it helps me with my patients to be more accepting and encouraging at their difficult time.
A little of it was making a choice. Jared and his fiancee gave me a bottle of wine for Christmas. It was a six-dollar bottle of wine, I know, I can check, I have an app for it. It was a three star, six dollar bottle of wine. I had paid for Anthony to give them a box of candy, about a twenty-five to thirty dollar gift. I let Anthony say he had paid for it.
Guess what we put into beef bourgignon?
Three cups of red wine.
Boom! It was gone now, put to use as I wanted to put to use.
It was delicious.
One of the things I learned in my meditations in the evening, is that basically, in this life, my experiences with Jared are just 'something I tried and it didn't work out'.
When I feel, I feel deeply. It took me this long not to heal. But that's okay, that's who I am, and actually, it brought me closer to healing my relationship with Ross.
Ross suggests I share this image of the Schumann resonance. When it had started a mutual friend of ours reached out and asked me if I broke it? I said, 'no, of course not!' But now looking at the times, it looks like he might have been correct. LOL.
It's time now for work and for feeding animals. Thank you Hope Johnson with your live filming on self-care, thank you Sister of Fire, thank you Spirit, thank you Jessie and Chantelle and Mornay, thank you all the random friends who posted things on social media, thank you Michael and Ross...and SARK....today is going to be a better day.
I don't have to apologize for my Divine Feminine. Nothing is more important than my Being Here--nothing I can say or do or create. I will seek the warmth of Heaven and give thanks for the growth I was able to experience, randomly, on a day I should have worked but there were not enough cases...
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
Who wash lots of dishes lol ; )
