I lost my sense of smell yesterday. I was applying a body lotion and wondered why it didn't smell? Then I remembered part of the Covid thing (I've had it in early 2020 and lost my smell and taste then). I put on my best perfume and--NOTHING.
I'm feeling healthy. Bored a little. But also, respecting the risks of things getting worse and just praying for each day to pass.
Tomorrow I get to take a test to see if I'm still infectious. Isolating inside my own home has been hard...and it's starting to get to me.
I realized that my room has lots of beading stuff in it. I kind of don't like my room. But, now is the opportunity to organize, clear, and make it pleasant and nice. Situations are definitely how you look at them, you know?
And I had lots of inner work to do.
Over the months I've been drifting away from Ross. He's always THERE, he's always WITH ME. But he doesn't TALK normal TALK every day, I have to concentrate hard to see him and touch him. And there's...well...THAT.
The end.
How it wasn't very good for us.
And how my abandonment issues really stem from ... THAT.
Now that I'm sick, I can't really RUN. And I had to face it. Personally, I don't like how our marriage was back then. I was trained to 'serve' my husband. He went to do his 'thing'. Other people persecuted me for it, being left behind, and when I say persecuted, it's not like how they persecute today's Covid patients. It was BAD. REALLY BAD when there's no husband or man to protect you.
That's just one layer of the heartache.
Then how he died?
Ugh.
I've spoken with Creator, and also, with Ross, to come to a mutual place of my being able to articulate these strong feelings instead of running away from them. It hurts! And I don't like it!
Ross explained when we agreed to it in the beginning, it was like, 'he was going to lead the way for both of us' and 'I was going to follow'. I didn't understand any of the brutality. Not one bit. And I never would have agreed to it. Ever.
But that's how far forward we were able to move. It wasn't much, but at least I feel somewhat listened to. And it's fuzzy, I don't understand it, but I understand that in the bigger picture, Ross is waiting for me, he's okay, and one day I won't ever had to think about it again.
I was listening to Jessie C last night, with Carmen Studer. I realize that there's way more to what Ross did than abandon a loving wife. No forward progress could be made without his work, his efforts, and his ongoing Divine Intervention to the liberation of the captives here on Earth.
His sacred blood is special.
Just remember next time you reach for it in prayer or in authority and dominion, it's not just his blood. My broken heart is mixed in with it. All my hopes, my dreams, everything that was crushed--well, you can say it's 'in there' like a can of crushed pureed tomatoes. Hopefully our 'blend' helps to make the healing greater?
Ross took time to explain to me that I was the 'backup plan'. I was supposed to continue on with his work in the event something were to happen to him. From what I know about the Cathars, I believe our community did a fine job of that. I know I couldn't have done it alone.
I'm not complaining in any way, I accept what IS. Absolutely. But I had reached a zone where I guess I needed to talk with Ross and Creator. And I have just enough, not to really heal everything, but to at least get unstuck from where I was during the holidays.
Another thing Jessie talks about is how we are supposed to spend like sixty percent of our time in praise and worship and Bible study, feeling GOOD about Creator and God. And then maybe thirty-percent of our time learning about the secrets that are hidden in plain sight. It helps us to keep our balance. I've been learning mostly, since 2012, and I'm tired. I'll get back to joyful things and meditation again. She gives good advice.
Sometimes, illness is a way for Spirit to slow us down, and get us to pay attention to things we otherwise would rather not see.
Ross wants you to know my attachment style, in loving any family member, is to be practically joined at the hip. Anything less is uncomfortable for me. I'm on the extreme end of needing to feel CLOSE to my loved ones. And that is why what happened to us is so especially painful for me. For his style, he knows everything meets up at the end and is only Love, he understands this, and so that's why it wasn't hard for him to go on his way. I still was the right one for the job for him, he never lacked for anything his his life incarnate with me. And he has no regrets. Then again, he is the one who can see the whole story in its completion, not like us who can only see if from where we are.
He says 'there is home enough for all of us' back in Heaven. And all of our earthly and spiritual needs are met.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple
