Sometimes, after growing up Catholic, in an Italian-American home, my life seems to me like a merry-go-round of guilt. There are the ups and downs, but basically it's the same thing going round and round and round...
This week, I was able to try something a little different, kind of like choosing to ride on the monkey instead of the horse on the merry-go-round.
I took care of me.
There was no work, no work to be had. I took my Sicilian class on Saturday, and I hadn't done the homework. (Looks like it's going to be that way tomorrow too). I rested. Sunday too.
But Wednesday, I took care of four different much-needed tasks, three for me and one for my car. Can you believe it's been four years since I had my last mammogram? It was so long that my insurance company was going to pay me fifty dollars just to get it done. The reason? Partly the work schedule. But also, my OB-Gyn wanted me to go to another facility, and covid hit, and I just dropped the ball. I found another place near home and that was fine.
Actually, if you count the surveillance testing for work, and picking up meds from the pharmacy, I did five things for me.
I was tired at the end of the day. While I waited for the tires to be worked on I studied Sicilian.
We have a small project in the home. And it's taking some coordination on my part. And the workers yesterday, kind of got in over their head. They couldn't finish. They were like, 'we will come tomorrow'...I was like, wait a second, hold on there, I might have to work.
The plumbers were to follow but couldn't because the electricians didn't finish too.
Right after I confirmed the time, after looking at the schedule and calling the lead one, someone high up on the call schedule called in sick--mom wasn't doing well. My boss called me and asked me if I wanted that shift...
...I paused a long pause and said the electricians are coming to the house. In the afternoon. I can work morning...
Our policy is that everyone moves up a slot in the event of illness.
So all last night I tossed and turned, experiencing guilt.
Mind you, Marie Mbouni, MD, QUIT anesthesia forever, because they gave her an ultimatum--come in on your vacation or lose your job. She quit and after grieving, never looked back...
But you know what?
I haven't done that to people except for my operation.
Two operations in twelve years isn't bad.
My boss didn't work that day--he has it off today. I saw the schedule.
Nobody else 'stepped up to the plate' except someone who takes lots of calls for other people.
I will work my morning and hopefully get my afternoon.
I could have made more money, but I need the peace of mind...
Peace of mind?
Yes.
Absolutely.
My house is getting cleaner. And I worked hard, very hard, all day. My son was so surprised at his room he was like, 'mom this is like a different house!'
It is.
So, I'm vulnerable right now, as I'm making progress. I understand about the PTSD and clutter. I know there's a dopamine rush when you buy something or open a box. But also, there's a counter effect--you get dopamine when the house is clean and projects get done.
Dignity is the ability to own your 'process' and to put energy and effort into it--no matter what anyone else thinks. And after having the dignity to take care of some of my medical needs (the copayments are ridiculous, OMG, $$$$$)--I'm willing to cover for my colleagues to help them take care of theirs too. Once I'm 'set'. It won't be long to finish this project, and to coordinate the rest of my tests and studies and specialist appointment.
I realize too that the garden takes time and work, just the same as the house. Now I can schedule time for both.
Yesterday I cleaned all the bathrooms, dusted, swept the floors, did loads and loads of laundry (and put it away!), cooked, did the dishes, put clean dishes away...I was tired from the work, but grateful I did it. I replaced two burnt out bulbs in our night lights...it's the little things....
It is what it is, and when you own it, and you get off that merry-go-round, you can experience life without that same old guilt...
Ross
I want Carla to know that I love and tend to her. For all her earthly needs. Carla is learning to negotiate, and she is a little rough and weary of her first attempts. There are ways to get what you want, even with her onerous schedule at work.
For example, she let the group know she had an appointment that's why she didn't pick certain rooms -- in the group text over the schedule. Then in the day, she asked a friend to trade places with her so she could go. Everyone understood that whether you go or not, you have to pay full price, for some appointments.
Her meeting was with Tim Braun, the medium. It had been two years since she had gone to him.
Her mother came through, and it really helped Carla with the mourning. She knew it was her mom and not Tim, because he offended her (again, she never really liked him) and she got quiet during the session. He was talking about her having natural charm, and she could have used it to get what she wanted (bad, selfish use) but she didn't act like that, she was just charming and enjoyed the perks it brought naturally. This actually was a compliment, but she didn't like Tim, when he told her she had only so many years left...and again, he hurt her feelings with his judgement of her.
People are people! No matter whether they are in body or not. And whether or not they reach 'enlightenment'.
It's all good.
Do what you can, and then recharge and rebuilt.
Tell yourself always, 'this or something better' when you ask for your needs to be fulfilled.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
