Recently I experienced and have been recovering from what is called a Dark Night of the Soul.
It was in the line of duty and was completely unavoidable. Sometimes, when our commitment to being 'loving 24/7, 365' we are going to become so depleted that mentally, physically, emotionally, and yes, spiritually, we are going to run on fumes and eventually hit a wall.
It's part of the territory.
Because of my upbringing, I have had lots on my plate to contend with, and fortunately, I am fast to recognize it and take what steps I require to recover and regain my ability to function again.
So, what happened?
I was around a lot of lower vibration, dense energies from people who are chronic negative thinkers...and..well...'a little more'.
Last week I had two first calls, like bookends. Typically I take one first call a week at most. The first call wasn't bad, I came home and slept all night. But the second...I finished after midnight, and then the freeway was closed on the way home. It was single file, bumper to bumper traffic on the detour. It took me two hours to drive home.
I took care of a colleague by request. This is stressful. Fortunately, the anxiety I'd seen in this patient the last time was better, completely gone, and filled with trust in my care. The experience was excellent and I was told 'you have a beautiful soul' because there was no pain and a positive recollection of everything I did. Being able to deliver care like that is hard. It's hard for me to see someone I know under anesthesia, or get sick.
But then, the next day, was the funeral for the son of a colleague who took his own life. It was surreal. How? The speeches. Some avoided the obvious, only talking of the good. Others focused on the depression, the pain, and their interpretation of it. The cousin is the last straw. She read a poem about 'science and physics' how the energy is never lost, and also, a worse poem about suicide. There was a sister who had a beautiful voice and sang. And a cousin who sang too, a song she had written when her own father (brother of the father of the deceased) died by his own hand when she was young.
Spiritually, there was like, NOTHING. The youth leader was also the 'best friend' of the deceased, and offered to say the Lord's Prayer. Then there were the coaches. One nicknamed the deceased, at a young age, 'the Penguin' after Dodger's third baseman Ron Cey's nickname. These travel team baseball coaches made a fortune from the parents of the deceased. I always worried a little about who the kids are exposed to when they are young. I was super careful who I let coach Anthony. Their life outlook imprints on the kid...
But the RIDE I shared with a different colleague, was with a very high energy person who is loving and kind. But draining. I saw the home and it was nice to see the tour. I felt welcome. What was sad is that this physician is from Iran. Like, really from Iran. And I learned that they wanted to become an Interior designer, but all parents encourage you to become either a doctor or a lawyer. I also learned that you can't have large gatherings in Iran. The police will come and get you if you throw a big wedding. You can get caught. So her wedding was at her parent's house, in their garden, and they had to bribe the police because you always have to for these things, and her groom was the most scared of all because he was American, and it's the groom who goes to jail for big wedding parties. He was her best friend's brother, that's how they met, he saw a photo of her and fell in love.
So my friend, she makes art by buying wire art for the wall, and adds glass pieces to them, the colorful round ones you buy at the arts and crafts store. They were everywhere, just about on every wall inside and outside. She has a good eye and has lovely decorations in her home. The dining room was like in an Architecture Digest. She showed me artwork from Iran, kind of like paintings, with silver cutout birds and framed with inlay wood and metal silver wood. Very museum quality. I also saw fine, fine Persian rugs made of silk, and learned how if they bend easily like fabric they are the best quality. Stiff ones aren't so nice.
On top of this, Anthony had wanted a new PlayStation. They are very hard to get. I managed to find him one. He was thrilled, delighted. It was a good thing. I give a lot, I give a lot from my heart to those I love and I love just about everyone.
But that day, I was done.
I got an invitation to the after party for the funeral, but the distance was far. I needed to rest. I gave my apologies.
Sunday I had to run lots of errands for Anthony. I needed to rest first and get my energy up.
Yesterday I was home, even more errands, but I'm better.
Today I'm working for a friend, I need to start getting ready soon, but I feel more like 'me'.
I got news last night that my favorite uncle had died. The one with the land in the desert I had been longing for months to see. The one who gave all the land to my brother in law. I just learned last night that my uncle's second wife, had been very nasty and rude to my brother in law, and he was the one who scared her on purpose about the elder abuse charges we were going to press on her and my Uncle to get her to back off on us. Perhaps he wasn't greedy, and he was saving it for the family, by getting it in his name...
My sister opened a formal letter, addressed to my mom, who passed in August. It was from the second wife's lawyer. My uncle had passed. As next-of-kin she was not included in any inheritance whatsoever. My uncle died 'sometime in the summer'. Nobody said how. He had diabetes for many years, she was living on his pension. She had spent all my grandmother's savings, then they together withheld food and made her sit for hours in the hot desert sun without water in what they called 'The Chair Of Death' trying to hasten her demise from Alzheimers.
In all of her Alzheimer's, nana referred to Peggy as 'The Devil' in Sicilian.
Nana was right.
So Uncle Ben was there to welcome Mom, or perhaps mom was there to welcome Uncle Ben, up to Heaven.
It explains why I couldn't see so well when mom passed, and probably why Nana had to run down and take her by the hand to go Home to Heaven. Mom was confused if she was in the right place once she left her body.
New Gaia Portalcame out.
This was fun to look at all the questions
Where was Ross in all of this?
Right by my side.
He promised he would take care of me.
He did.
When we were buying an extra controller and a controller charging stand, he told me to go to the microwave oven aisle at the electronics store. (I refuse to have a microwave oven in the house, I want Anthony to learn to cook, and slowly, it's working). It took faith to buy what I needed to get.
Forever isn't forever.
If you know what a Kitchen Aid mixer is, you'll understand what I am saying. It's a heavy duty stand mixer for the home, and most women buy one and it lasts them a lifetime. I got mine in the early 2000's. It's almond color (so dated now!) and it leaks oil when I use it. It reminds me of my ex and makes me sad. I have many attachments. But I didn't want to be wasteful and get a new one.
If you know what a Hobart mixer is, I used one in my job at the Clorox company when I was making prototypes for Lemon Fresh Clorox 2. It's a professional stand mixer, one step above the Kitchen Aid, and it also comes in bakery sizes. I just saw one longingly at a bakery or something. You can make LOTS with that.
Well, Ross wanted me to spend five hundred dollars on a Professional Kitchen Aid stand mixer, for my Christmas present. Anthony got the PS5. And I got that. I was like, 'okay Ross, I trust you.'
In my heart, and I haven't told anyone, I have a project to make for this work, something special to sell, and I have all the pieces to assemble. Except that this would make it better for the project.
Ross knew.
And the next day? Anthony learned that the store has Black Friday special, the mixer was now two hundred dollars.
I returned it for a price adjustment--keeping the same exact box--and got three hundred dollars back!
Ross had us order carry out pizza for lunch.
I needed a walk on the beach, so we went, and after that, Ross suggested 'The home cooked meal you don't have to cook', Kentucky Fried Chicken. I had dinner plans but I understood he was trying to show me he cared. So I got it.
It was after that I learned of my uncle's passing. As I looked through the photos, he didn't like to be in photos, but the last meal at my grandma's house where everything was 'normal', we had KFC.
I am loved.
I am not a person who thrives on change and excitement. I love the same thing, day after day, it's comforting for me.
Lately, I've been pushed to the edge of my coping with unexpected changes, even where I have plans for lunch and dinner and I'm so thrown about during my day, I can't even carry out those plans.
Today I was supposed to be off. OFF off.
But the new father and the scheduler wanted to offer me his call. It's a shorter day, I hope. You never know, I'm at the surgery center.
I got the text after the beach and in the middle of dinner.
I so, so, so very much wanted to stay home.
But I decided to ask Ross, and Ross said to work.
Lots of times, when I work, I get even 'more' than 'chronic negative thinkers'. I had a mentally ill patient who was like, scary. He wouldn't even sign a consent. But then he like, perked up as if there was an entity in him, and said, in the kind of voice scary entities have, 'I LOVE YOU, you're so SWEET'. Without skipping a beat, with all of my spiritual firepower, I gently answered back, 'And I LOVE YOU too!'
That one stayed asleep for five hours in recovery after normal anesthesia. And once I was to my car, to go home, She called me back in to make sure he could go to the floor. But I had trouble with the trunk of my car not closing. I had to fight it for ten minutes. After seventeen hours, and wanting to go home more than anything, back I went.
I know how to do things, I tested for a gag reflex, it was present and we got a good grimace from it. We got him to open his eyes on command. He was okay.
I do spiritual work when I encounter beings like this in my professional services.
It's ugly. I don't like to see what I see. I understand the work that needs to be done.
Time to get ready now for 'the Office'...
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twin Hearts who are connected as One
