I had to look it up, what it means!
Ross had the idea for the title. It can mean 'fine wood chips', 'always moving upwards and improving' or 'a product name'.
He chose the image up there, too.
Today blew my mind.
From where I sit I am NOT the person I was this morning, or twenty-four hours ago.
First there was the pressure--Anthony had a numb leg. No swelling, no pain, but numbness. It was possible compartment syndrome. A good mom--just like a good cop or a good doctor--gets a feel for people. I know Anthony is one to say 'yes' when it's something that could be horrible--even when it's not. He gets spooked.
I had full appointments for the day--first haircut in ages, Home inspector at two-thirty, and doctor for Anthony at three-thirty (which meant having to leave the inspector guy ALONE in the house for the duration). What do I do? Cancel? Make him wait?
I put my own oxygen mask on first.
I saw Ed my hairstylist after making breakfast. The dishes are still in the sink--I've been that busy!
I also tried something new, a Northshore Acai bowl for my lunch--it was superfoods, and sort of sweet, like a sherbet with granola. It kept me full. The shop is a chain called Bowl of Heaven.
I got the kid.
We met the inspector.
We saw the doctor--ankle tendon reflex is down, but otherwise everything else seems okay for now. Crutches for two days to let the knee rest.
Back to the house for the inspector.
Haircut for Anthony.
Now superimpose on it the Carla and Ross drama of late, as well as the Carla and Divine Father drama.
Here were the themes:
- what's the point, God?! If everything has to be in alignment with your will, then, why not be.an.auto.ma.ton.RO.bot? Especially if the only way OUT of your 'lesson' is to 'align' with your will?
- God? Do you KNOW what your silent treatment means to us down here? That's what families do to a member who has been DISOWNED! There is no lapse in communication like this with love here! IT HURTS!!! (both Ross and Divine Father were surprised at how we can feel that way, I might add).
- I 'sensed' Anthony was 'burning karma' for 'some reason' and also it was a 'lesson-LITE' for me in how it felt when Ross went off and died. AWFUL. You should have heard the things I said to Anthony when he got hurt--'why didn't you hurt the OTHER kids and protect yourself? You don't have to take the hit for them!' (he was worried he would get in trouble--he was twice as tall as them.) I MEANT it! I could have torn those kids apart limb from limb I was so angry! They were told to stop pushing, and didn't. Then one pushed the other into Anthony's knee, which bent sideways. Yes! SIDEWAYS--with three pops and unable to walk immediately after. Apparently, I still have those 'mama bear' hormones in me, even though they haven't kicked in in years. The anguish, the horror, the powerlessness--all coursed through me as I held his leg on my lap, giving codes and Reiki.
- I was THANKFUL again for others! The office worker at my orthopedic surgeon friend remembered us from two weeks ago with the broken toe. No need to fill out paperwork. My friend knew the trampoline park. He had his daughter's birthday party there, and there were TWO injuries in the people who came! I was so glad he knew what to do. I was glad for the people who cut our hair, and for the inspector...
- I'm not sure how I 'got it' but I was pointedly made aware that although we are Twins, Ross is a free agent--his own person--and owes NOTHING to me in the romance department. Just because you are twins doesn't mean you can have an expectation. And it was HIS free will to go off and abandon me and die--although as my husband he was sworn to take care of me. It was his choice. Painful to me, but entirely within his right. I shared it with a friend, who said, 'well, YOU did the same thing to him, by running away like you did. You are your own person too!' I realized EVERYTHING--my house, my health, my work, my family--AREN'T really MINE! They are 'on loan' to me through the Grace of Creator.
- I had been very upset about not being able to make plans. I feel--this is a direct consequence of my being in a 'helping profession' for over twenty years now--that every time I have something to look forward to, something 'happens' and I get called into the hospital. Every day I have had off, Anthony has found a way--on a soul level, not scheming--to have a short day, a doctor visit, a dentist visit, or a sick day and stay home with me...
- This afternoon there were Cloud Ships where I could see them. It helped very much with bullet point two, above, just to KNOW they were 'out there' and I could see it with my two eyes. And sense them too.
- I also had the most otherworldly 'sense' that Ross is WAITING for me, he has knowledge of me, he has intelligence, and he is just biding his time until I 'come around'. I found that SO incredibly attractive, I couldn't explain why, but just knowing got me out of my 'rut' in my negative 'rants' around bullet points one and two.
Ross let me know the 'lesson' was 'to be at home wherever you are' and to be happy. I sensed too I had learned it.
I turned to Rose Eye Jasper in my crystal book. It's a good crystal. I looked for it online. Could barely find it. Then I realized it is also called 'birdseye rhyolite '..and I already HAD it on my arm! It was one of my new bracelets! It is a very good stone, and I highly recommend it.
Ross played romantic songs on the Jazz station--on the way to Anthony's haircut was Al Jarreau, 'we're in this love together' (live)...Dionne Warwick 'What's it all about Alfie?'. And on the way back? 'This guy's in love with you' by Herb Alpert...
I realize although there are not expectations, Ross WANTS to be with me! And although I have felt entirely abandoned, alone, and unloveable for two days--miserable--his free will, as he said to me, earlier, 'I will to do your will'...It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said!
I feel better!
It's been a weekend and two days of depression.
Perhaps it was the energies? Did they build back up again? Was it the hope from seeing the cloud ships? Was it the humbling realization that having a Twin ISN'T a 'slam dunk' like Cinderella. It is a relationship, and lots of work, on yourselves, in the safety of the genuine love you have for one another.
(big smile--ed) I couldn't have said it better myself.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple